Page 76 of Christmas Wishes

There were three groups ahead of me when my brain arrived at a ludicrous idea: why did I need to leave Arizona? I’d had a hundred arguments for going back to Minnesota that had carried me through a restless night in Riggs’s arms, lackluster packing this morning, and through both our tearful goodbye and quick make-out session in the hallway, but they no longer held water. It was like the threat of getting on the plane forced my brain to come up with new, stronger arguments to stay.

Argument one to leave: my family was back in Minnesota.

Rebuttal: moving away didn’t mean I wouldn’t be able to see them. And maybe Arlo was right. Getting some distance from them could be good for me.

Argument two: my friends were in Minneapolis.

Rebuttal: most of the people I called “friends” only wanted to hang out when something fun was happening. They didn’t really care about me, and honestly, I didn’t really care about them either. The people I’d gotten to know in Juniper Ridge? I cared about them.

Argument three: it was ridiculous to consider moving to a new place after only being there for two weeks.

Rebuttal: I’d quit jobs for not liking how my boss chewed gum. Falling in love with a guy was a fucking good enough reason to make a big decision, like moving somewhere new.

Falling? Pretty sure I’m already there.The vacation that was supposed to be full of R&R and playing with cosmetics had ended up giving my life purpose.

I pulled my suitcases to the stanchion opening. Next in line.

If I don’t want to leave, then why am I?

When the airline employee called me over, I couldn’t think of a good answer to that question.

Keaton in Arizona.

That was it. That was my brand. That wasme. In Arizona, I was finally figuring out who I was. I couldn’t leave right when I was getting to know myself.

“Good evening. How many bags are you checking in?”

“Hi. This is unorthodox, but can I cancel my flight?”

The employee blinked at me. “Yes, I can do that. May I have your ID, please?”

While they went through the process of cancelling my flight and issuing a credit to my account, I launched the family group chat.

Keaton: Sorry, Steph and Chris. I won’t be available for New Year’s. I’m staying in Arizona. Mom, I’ll call you soon. I have someone I need to talk to first.

The dramatics of dropping a bomb on the family group chat were thrilling but not as much as launching Instagram and creating a new account. @KeatonInAZ had a great ring to it.

Once the employee had cancelled my flight, I hauled my bags to a quiet corner. I had an important video to make before I ordered a ride to Riggs’s house.

* * *

RIGGS

I was barely holding it together when I parked in front of Doris’s house. After I knocked, she opened her door and made a sympathetic noise.

“Oh, sweetheart. You look like hell. Did he leave?”

I nodded and let her usher me into the warmth of her home. When she pulled me into her arms, I let the tears fall. Tears I hadn’t let fall when Nico got sick, when we learned of his terminal diagnosis, or when he’d finally passed. For whatever bullshit, macho reason, I’d thought I needed to be strong for Doris. I’d never stopped to consider what she might’ve needed more was my vulnerability.

She held me through my sobs and let me unleash the grief that had been building for months. Eventually, she led me into the kitchen. Within minutes, she had tea and cookies on the table between us. We’d had so many conversations at that table over the years. She’d talked me through difficulties with my parents, fights with my ex, the practicalities of Nico’s diagnosis and care, and now, missing Keaton. A man I was falling in love with.

Doris knew to wait me out. A skill Keaton had learned quickly.

“Keaton found something in an inside pocket on Nico’s coat.”

Doris’s eyes opened in surprise. Eyes that looked slightly different from usual. She’d applied her eyeshadow differently. Another impact Keaton had made on our lives.

“It was a Christmas wish that he wasn’t able to drop off last year. The wish was for me to find love.”

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