Page 28 of Eternal Hoptimist

“That doesn’t make sense. Most people are drinking tonight.” Ethan’s nostrils flared.

“I know. There’s some unwritten moral code and expectation that’s never shared but must be obeyed to advance.”

“What you do in your personal lives shouldn’t matter at all.”

“But it does. With everything I do, I have to consider my job. Even when I’m home alone, swiping through Grindr, reading profiles to find someone to give me what Ireallywant, I—” I squeezed my eyes closed and tried to rewind the past five seconds.

Ethan stepped closer. “What do youreallywant, Parker?” His voice had a new sandpaper quality.

He was backlit by the rooftop lights, with the air misty from the coming rain.What do I want? Do I want to tell Ethan?I scanned to make sure we were still alone on our part of the roof.

He’d been a good listener before. If I shared with him, he might understand or at least sympathize. I never felt comfortable having a direct conversation about it with my exes. I’d never found what I needed in past relationships or with sex partners. I needed something more than a one-night stand could provide. Someone to help me let go.

I’m already asking a ton of him. What’s a little more?

CHAPTER 10

ETHAN

I channeled every ounce of patience I could muster as I tried to exude my best “hey, I’m a bartender and a great listener” energy. There was something about his posture and darting glances screaming for me to protect. I wanted to hug him.Bullshit.I wanted to do a lot more than hug him. I wanted to take care of him, make him feel good, make him smile, make him moan, make himmine.

“It’s ridiculous. You signed up to be my date, not my therapist.”

I chose my words carefully and went with honesty. “I’d like to think at this point I’m more than your date.” His gaze jumped to mine. “We’re becoming friends. You can talk to your friend, right? No judgment here.”

He ran his tongue over his front teeth, then sucked in a breath before glancing around us again. If he was that worried about being overheard, it must be serious.

“It’s about sex,” he murmured.

I wasn’t sure what I’d expected, but it definitely wasn’t that.

“If Jack visiting a strip club will cost him a partner promotion, what would happen to me if they find out I want to explore kink? I used to work with a woman who was taken off a project for a client she’d secured because someone saw her listed among members of a Facebook group for Portland swingers. All consenting adults.” His voice began to rise, but he caught himself before anyone noticed.

Kink?Now we’re getting somewhere. I kept my expression as neutral as possible to not scare him away. “Parker, I doubt you’re the only non-vanilla person at your firm.”

“I know, but it’s complicated.”

It didn’t seem that complicated to me, but I wasn’t the one in the situation. I’d never had issues with my kink interests impacting my job. “Can you explain it to me? If you don’t want solutions, I can be in listening mode.”

“I should say no, but I think I could really use your ears.”

“They’re all yours.” I gave him all my attention and stepped closer. I forced the part of my brain enthusiastically screaming about Parker being kinky to the background to process later. Probably while lying awake in his guest room.

“I want to explore kink, but I have no experience.” He paused and shot me another quick glance before staring back out at the night. “My exes haven’t been into trying anything new.”

Apps could help with that. There had to be a thousand guys in Portland who would give anything to show Parker the ropes.

“I’ve considered Grindr or Tinder or whatever, but the prospect of encountering a client, colleague, or someone who knows what I do for a living and could send screenshots or details to my boss? I can’t risk it.”

It was fucked up that he had to worry about legal and consensual behavior affecting his job.

“I know I could hire someone, but there would be the threat of that coming out too. Even if that wasn’t a worry, I wouldn’t even know what to ask a professionalfor. I’m so fucking green at it. I have no idea what I want to try.” He gripped the railing until his knuckles turned white.

It took all my self-control not to soothe the strain in his hands and make all sorts of promises I had no business making. My number one kink was to give people pleasure. To help Parker discover what gave him pleasure? A dream come true.

He let out a long breath. “I want to explore with someone I trust. I’m not sure I could trust a stranger with it. A meaningless blowjob? Sure. But anything else?” He shook his head.

That was the dose of cold water I needed. Even if I wasn’t trying to keep some distance from him before my instinct to make him mine took over, we couldn’t go there. He wanted someone he trusted and had a relationship with. We’d only met a couple of weeks ago.

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