Page 31 of Eternal Hoptimist

My protective instincts were in overdrive. I wanted to give Parker what he wanted, whatever would make his night even better.

“Are you sure? I don’t want you to be uncomfortable,” Parker said.

“I wouldn’t have offered if it made me uncomfortable.” The urge to make him happy silenced my self-preservation.

Parker nodded absently. “Yeah. Okay.” He kept nodding and stared at the coffee table for a minute, then abruptly stood and clapped his hands. “Well, I’m tired. Ready for bed?”

I bit back a laugh. I loved to cuddle and wanted to hold Parker, soak up the warmth of his body. If he wanted the same thing, how could I refuse? I was merely a cuddle monster in a flesh suit offeringplatonicsnuggles. It would give me a dose of what I’d been missing—at least enough to hold me over until my self-imposed dating ban had gone on long enough to fix my compulsion to keep findingthe one. Or my compulsion to continually overlook red flags and twist myself into a pretzel trying to be the perfect boyfriend. The partner someone didn’t want to leave.

While Parker put away the leftover cheesecake, I returned to the guest room and changed into pajama pants and an old T-shirt. After brushing my teeth, I cautiously approached Parker’s bedroom. A slate accent wall contrasted with the fluffy white bedding. Why someone needed half a dozen pillows was beyond me. Steel industrial lamps set on wooden nightstands bookended the bed. Though cozier than the guest room, his room didn’t suit him with its coldness.

Parker stepped out of his bathroom with a sheen on his face.Gotta love a guy with a skincare routine.

“What side do you sleep on?” I asked.

Parker gestured to the side on my right, so I moved to the left, removed most of the pillows, pulled back the fluffy white duvet, and slipped under the covers. I turned to say something and saw him standing in his walk-in closet with the door open and the light on. He removed his slacks and dress shirt to reveal the swimmer’s build I’d pictured under his clothes too many times. Giving him privacy would’ve been the polite thing to do, but my attention was fixed on how his muscles shifted while he pulled on a pair of pajama pants and a T-shirt.

When he turned and walked to the bed, I extended my left arm as an invitation. He switched off the light, climbed into bed, and rested his head on my chest, draping his arm over me without hesitation. He let out a happy sigh.

“I could draft a formal amendment to our agreement to include cuddle sessions,” he said.

I laughed and noticed my left hand rubbed Parker’s back despite my brain blaring a siren. “It’s not a bad idea.”

We chatted quietly about nothing important until Parker’s yawns grew more frequent. I intentionally slowed the pace of my circles on his back. As his breathing changed, I stared at the ceiling—wide awake. All the brainpower not keeping my body alive and appreciating the sensation of Parker lying against me returned to our conversation on the hotel rooftop.

Kink had been part of many of my past relationships—at least the ones that were the most sexually satisfying for me. Of those, dynamics where I took the partner-pleasing role, sometimes in more dominant ways, had really done something for me. Kink wasn’t something Ineeded, but I sure as hell enjoyed it and tried to make sure my partners did too.

Parker didn’t mention whether he was into any sort of power play or where he fell on the top/bottom spectrum. He didn’t say what kinks he was interested in at all, but there were signs that led me to believe Parker wanted someone to take control of his pleasure.More wishful thinking.

No matter his interests, I wanted—craved—to help Parker. I didn’t know how to offer it while sticking to my vow to stay away from dating. Breaking my New Year’s resolution in the same damn month I’d started it was too embarrassing to consider. I refused to be that weak.

What if I approached it like I was helping a friend explore a part of themself? In that scenario, I could keep my feelings out of it. It would be educational instead of a relationship. No messy emotions involved.

Parker had said he wanted to trust the person. He trusted me enough to lie to his family about who I was and trusted I would keep that secret for him. He trusted me to give him the comfort he needed tonight. If he trusted me with all that, he might trust me with this.

As I stared at his sleep-slack face, I knew I wouldn’t fall asleep anytime soon.

CHAPTER 11

PARKER

Hector:You’ve been holding out on me. You and Ethan, huh? You’re in big trouble, mister.

Hector:And you’re welcome. Ethan’s fucking fantastic. Way too good for you [wink emoji] I did a great job. You should give me a raise because matchmaking isn’t in my job description.

* * *

As I slowly came to, the first thing I noticed was the warm cocoon my bed had become—replacing the usual sterile ambiance. I couldn’t remember the last time I’d woken so refreshed. I savored the rare feeling until my brain came fully online and remembered I wasn’t alone in bed. It took a few more moments to put together the pieces of why Ethan was curled up on his side, facing me with his hair sticking out in random directions across my pillow.

Ethan was a Good Samaritan who deserved a civic award for offering to share the bed with me and cuddle after I’d pouted about being alone. No sex, just sleep. So damn embarrassing. Though it was hard to be mortified by my pathetic loneliness when lying in bed next to him relaxed me more than a spa day.

I missed that part of dating. It was harder to decompress from my stressful job without someone to talk to and cuddle with at the end of a long day. I missed the touch.

Ethan possessively held the hem of my T-shirt between two fingers with his other hand tucked under his pillow. He breathed steadily and made cute snuffling noises every so often. Comfortable, like we’d shared a bed a hundred times before.

I allowed myself a few minutes to bask in his comfort. He’d taken care of me last night. Despite my embarrassing admissions and obnoxious hinting that I wanted to sleep next to him, I was glad it happened. Even if it’d been absolute torture keeping my hands to myself when he was inches away. Like a kitten seeking warmth, I kept rolling toward him in the night.

The longer I stayed and creepily listened to him breathe, the more time I had to dwell on the fact that I’d blown right through Ethan’s boundaries last night. He was a nurturing guy, so, of course, he’d agreed to my idea.God. The least I could do was save him any awkwardness of waking with me in his face.Especially with the monstrous morning wood I sported. I would have to take care of that as soon as he left. I couldn’t trust myself to be quiet enough to do it in the bathroom while he slept because simply being near him had me so turned on that I could barely think straight.

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