Page 66 of When Hearts Awaken

“I’m realizing that,” I murmur. Taking one last glance at the roses, I say, “Roses are much more beautiful with thorns.”

Why didn’t I see that before?

Chapter 28

Sweat drips down myforehead, my legs extended in an arabesque, as Dev lifts me high into the air. My heart pounds like a battering ram, the spotlight singeing my skin. Everything seems different, and I’m never more aware of the fraud that I am as I finish our inaugural performance ofSwan Lakeat the iconic Palais Garnier in Paris.

I feel the audience’s eyes staring at me, scrutinizing my every move, picking apart each pose.

Look at how rigid she is as Odette.

Did they send in an amateur to do a professional’s job?

An average performance. What a disappointment.

I can’t breathe.

Dev, perfectly playing the part of Prince Siegfried, gently lowers me to the ground and I collapse into his embrace.

“Almost done. You’re doing well, Tay,” he murmurs, his face turned to the side, out of view of the audience.

After giving him a small squeeze of acknowledgment, I push him away—the moment when Odette decides to end her life to break the curse.

This pain, the hopelessness the beautiful white swan must’ve felt—this I can portray.

I think about my broken dreams as a child, the happiness I thought I’d experience once I make it on to the world stage, only for my innocence to be ripped away by reality. I think about the horror on Charles’s face when I slapped him across the face after he gave me a kiss I very much wanted.

Swallowing the lump in my throat, I collapse on my knees, my arms stretching forward, the music in its sorrowful crescendo descending around me.

The death pose.

I rest my head on the floor—the moment Odette leaves this world in a tale of tragedy. Soon, Dev wraps his arms around me as he joins me.

The prince and his swan queen separated while living, reunite in death.

My breathing is loud as I try to contain my emotions. This is the moment I’ve been waiting for my entire life ever since Mom took me behind the stage at the Met Opera. This is the pinnacle—playing the white swan in one of the top ballet companies in the world on the prestigious international stage. I’m supposed to be elated, tears of joy streaming down my face, but instead, I’m met with soul-crushing grief.

Because it’s all wrong.

Everythingis wrong.

I still can’t fix myself, even as I try, try, and fucking try.

I can recite the books I’ve read. I know everything I’m going through is normal, that the path forward sometimes requires a few steps backward.

But I’m tired. So damn tired.

I hear the gentle swish of the curtains drawing closed and polite applause ringing out in the large auditorium.

“It’s done,” Dev says gently as he pulls me up. “Not too shabby for your first lead performance.” He grins.

“It was average. You and I both know it.” I strain a smile at my friend.

My Odette was still too stiff, the emotions on my face other than the final scene feeling forced. Judging from the polite cheers and gentle applause, no one was swept away by my performance.

Soon, we make our way back onto the stage for our obligatory curtain call. Flowers are strewn, the camera flashes blinding. Out of the corner of my eye, I see Sir Ian smiling at the audience, but his expression is strained. He’s gripping his ruby pen like it’s his worst enemy.

He isn’t pleased.

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