Page 128 of When Hearts Awaken

She doles out a wobbly smile and nods. The fierce glint is back in her eyes. She pulls my head to her and puts her lips against my ear.

“Yes. We’ll get those bastards together. They can’t hurt me anymore.”

Chapter 52

“And so that’s it,”I whisper, looking down at my lap. “Now you guys know everything.”

I shiver in my seat inside the expansive two-story library at the Anderson Estate. The space is filled to the brim with books and is dimly lit by antique sconces and the late afternoon lights streaming in from the lattice windows. Normally, I’d be all over the books, but now, I just want to hide behind one of the many bookshelves.

Charles spent the entire night with me after I fell apart at the studio yesterday. The experience with him at the studio was transcendent and emotional. He balanced the line between sadism and care perfectly, like he knew exactly what I needed to forget about everything. The pain he doled out grounded me, but also ignited the lust inside me until I couldn’t tell the two apart.

After he took me to his place, he ran me a bath, spoon-fed me dinner on his lap, even though I told him I was perfectly capable of eating by myself. He tended to my new needle marks, his eyes anguished when he saw the bruising forming on my skin because I wasn’t as careful yesterday.

“If you feel lost again, text me, call me. I’ll drop everything for you,” he promised me as he pulled me flushed against his chest last night in bed. “I don’t want you to hurt yourself anymore because every wound you inflict on yourself is a wound carved into me.”

Other than a quick text to Grace telling her I was okay, I ignored all the texts and calls for the rest of the day. I had no mental bandwidth to deal with anything else. But I knew I needed to meet the girls and have this long overdue conversation.

The ball in my throat grows as the silence stretches on. I grip the hem of my gray sweater. “I’m sorry for ruining your baby shower, Belle.”

My pulse is rickety in my ears and I close my eyes, bracing myself for the rejection I felt with Camden and Alexis.

But it never comes.

Instead, a warm weight flies into my arms, landing on my body in a bigoomph.

“You’re such an idiot!” Belle curls her arms around my neck—well, as much as she could since her belly is in the way. “I don’t fucking care about the baby shower. I care about you! And I’m cursing, so you know I mean it!”

A twinge of amusement joins the crushing relief at her words. Belle is the prim and proper lady among us, and she rarely curses. More sniffling reaches my ears, and I’m almost suffocated by the hugs from Lana, Millie, Grace, and Olivia.

They are all still here.

My eyes mist with grateful tears and I can feel my tensed muscles relaxing as I hug them back, even though I normally don’t like prolonged hugs.

“I failed you,” Grace whispers. She throws her arms around my neck. “I’m so, so sorry, Tay.”

She sobs into my shoulder. “I should’ve known. You changed so much then, but Mom and I just thought it was hormones and heartbreak since you and Camden broke up. I sh-should’ve known something was wrong. I’m a horrible sister!”

Tears overflow and streak down my face as I hug her back. “You couldn’t have known. I didn’t tell you anything. I…I didn’t want you guys to look at me differently.”

“Stop it!” she growls before pulling away and staring at me, her eyes fierce. “None of this is your fault. Why would we look at you differently? Thosemonsters!”

Lana crouches at my feet and grabs my hand. Her striking gray eyes, so similar to mine, flash in something akin to murder. “Do you know how strong you are, Tay? How amazing you are to have gone through what you went through and still be standing tall each day?”

“You must’ve felt so alone.” Millie’s lips wobble. “I’m so sorry for not being there for you.”

I shake my head at the girls, all wearing identical expressions of guilt on their face. “It’s not your fault. I chose not to tell. I was too traumatized by what happened with Camden and Alexis. I shouldn’t have kept this from you.”

Grace snarls, her hands balling into fists. “That fucking bastard Camden. I’m going to find him and slice him into pieces and feed him to the sharks.”

Lana nods. “I don’t condone violence, but in this case, I’m more than happy to make an exception. And that Alexis girl, she’s no friend if she dumps you at your lowest, Tay. It’s her fucking loss.”

Olivia hands me a tissue and tips my face up to look at her. “I’m speaking to you as a psychiatrist and a friend right now. I’m not an expert on sexual assault or trauma, but everything you’ve described is textbook behavior of assault and rape victims. Blaming yourself, replaying the what-ifs, hurting yourself to control and deal with the emotions that arise.”

She squeezes my hand and murmurs, “You really should talk to someone. The past has already happened and nothing can change that, but what’s up here,” she points to her temple, “your wound hasn’t been tended to and we can work on that. Heal it, learn the skills to deal with the flashbacks, to process the trauma and move forward with life.”

My vision blurs as heartache slices into my heart again. It’s been almost eight years and yet, everything feels so fresh. I thought I already healed and moved on, then this happened.

Will I ever heal? Can I ever move past this?

---