Page 38 of Bittersweet Legacy

“What?”

“You said my mother. What does she have to do with anything? You were a kid when she died.”

“I don’t know anything about your mother.” He stopped the car in front of my gates, but kept the doors locked. “This conversation is over, Esmeralda. I just want to warn you, I’m not the guy who will fall in love with you, I’m not the man you can subdue with a smile, an attention or a wink or a fake notion of love, I know better.”

“I never pretended to be in love with you Caleb, actually it’s quite the opposite. I hate you with a passion.”

“Good!” He nodded. “Keep this hate, it might help you survive us a little while longer. And I will enjoy destroying you, Esmeralda Forbes.”

He unlocked the doors. “Goodbye Esmeralda,” he dismissed me.

I nodded. “Goodbye Caleb.”Go to Hell, Caleb Astor, go to fucking Hell.

As I walked down the path, I let go of my fake smile and let the despair fill me. There had to be a way out, a way to fix it all. How could I settle for being the wife of a monster and having the life I could see Sophia having with my father? It was not the kind of life I could settle for; it was not the kind of life I wanted. Not after reading some of my mother’s words, I couldn’t let myself be smothered this way.

When I reached the safe haven my room was, I locked the door and, as if fate had its hands in it, the next entry in my mom’s journal was about James Astor.

The night I met William was the night I met James, and I didn't know at the time how important that night would turn out to be. My debating team from my small University in Kansas made it to the finals of the national debate tournament. It was an achievement in itself, you know – my school never made it further than the regionals and we were now in the final four, going to New York. We were against Cornell, Harvard and Georgetown! Schools I never even thought I could get close to. James and William were there – they were much older than us, they were not competing, but they were there with Havard as Maecenes (Maecenes, seriously!) and when their eyes zeroed in on me, in my cheap and over-worn little black dress, I was lost.

How this night would be emblematic of my, I’d like to say demise, but it wasn’t my demise, not really, it was a different life. A life I, to be fair, made a mess of. But let me go back to James for a minute. James was charming and fun and smiley, everything your father wasn’t. James with his beautiful blond hair, striking eyes.

I rested my hand on the journal, thinking about how Caleb looked like James, a lot, too much really. They had the same pale blond hair and vibes. Their differences were subtle, James’s lines were softer, giving him a deceptive air of friendliness. Caleb was all sharp edges and clean cuts. Caleb and his cold eyes, Caleb and his sharp features, Caleb and his straight, aristocratic nose which he inherited from his mother. I took a deep breath and shook my head, trying to forget what had happened in the car. It was not the time or place to think about this. I went back to my mother’s words.

Yes, William and James – they couldn't have been more different in looks and yet here we were, darkness and sun.

Darkness and sun – it was the same comparison I made the first time I saw Archie and Caleb together. I guess history did have a way of repeating itself.

Your father, oh God your father, he had a charisma that turned every head in the room, women, men – anyone. And I have to admit I was shallow enough to fall for it, to fall for it all. But you have to understand, Esmeralda, I was 20 years old, I was young coming from a family that was, well, I couldn’t say poor per se, but money had never been a commodity we had. And these two men came out of nowhere and seemed to want me and, I'm not going to lie, my immediate attraction was for James’s bonhomie, his kind smile, twinkly eyes. William was muchdarker, more placid and yet when he was looking at me, he looked like he wanted to devour me alive.

I winced at the thought. Thinking about the attraction between my parents, no matter how unfamiliar I was with them, was really not something I wanted to think about.

And then, I'm not sure what happened but James took quite a relative step back and William asked me out, I’d like to say that money and power didn’t play a part in all of this but it did and maybe that’s why I'm paying now – maybe that’s why I had to tell you goodbye, maybe that’s why I lost you, some kind of karmic revenge. But within days I was accepting, relishing, your father’s attention, his presents, dinner invitations – everything. He was coming to see me all the time in my little corner of Kansas - He was so out of place there, this powerful well-dressed man. I didn’t know why he was so insistent, I never really questioned it. He was just so much more than me on so many levels, he took me on weekends away and really just swept me off my feet.

This is where I faulted, every now and then I found myself thinking about James. James, who was sending me messages; James, who was calling me in the dead of the night just to talk. I knew it wasn’t right, it felt like I was cheating on your father and in some ways it was true, mentally at least. James and I, we were connecting or at least I thought we were, and then one day, out of nowhere, William asked me to go home with him. I was surprised, it had only been a month since we started to date steadily. Again, I didn't understand the implications of stepping into his world, I was so naïve – much more than I gave myself credit for. I didn't understand why a man so powerful, with the world at his feet - a man who could have anyone in the world wanted little old me, Victoria from Prescott, Kansas. So of course, I went home with him and I had to admit that a little part of me – a sinuous, treacherous part – hoped to run into James.

I met your father’s family, and it was awkward at best. I felt so out of place and James appeared out of nowhere, he made me feel better with his words and then we became secret friends. He was coming to see me every day - every night. Nothing happened, you know, Esmeralda (not even a kiss), but part of me was conflicted. I came to love your father but I felt connected to James and I was thinking that maybe it wasn't too late, your father hadn’t really committed to our relationship yet, we were not engaged, I was growing so attached and then something happened during my last night at your father’s house. It seemed so innocent but in retrospect I think your father had planned it all – the last nail in the coffin of my heart. I know now he was smart, heartless and conniving enough to have orchestrated everything from the moment he invited me to step into his world.

I was feeling like a princess that night, in the stupid pink dress your father bought me for an outrageous amount of money. James asked me to dance, and I accepted, not really seeing anything wrong in that, and then out of nowhere your father appeared with a woman looking at me like I was poison, not worth the excrement under her shoes. I was taken aback by such hate, and then your father introduced me to James’s wife, the mother of their son! I was disheartened, Esmeralda. If I’d known he was married and had a child, I would have never even contemplated anything. I am a lot of things; I made a lot of mistakes in my life, but I’d never be a homewrecker. Remember something, daughter, you will never build your happiness on another woman’s misery.

I closed the journal and lay back on the bed. Was this why Caleb hated me? Because he thought I was the reason his parents were at war? Did he blame me for his bad childhood?

I frowned…Childhood?The math didn’t add up. Caleb was only four months older than me. There was no way he was born by then.

I opened the journal again to finish the few lines left for this entry.

I was so disappointed and sad that I jumped into a marriage with William, ignoring the signs of what I was signing up for. In retrospect I am pretty sure William did it on purpose, to break my spirit. Don’t let him do that to you Esmeralda. Pretend, fake it – let him believe he won but don’t let him break you, you’re stronger than that. You’re my daughter, Esmeralda – he only has the power you give him. Be strong, daughter, always.

It was impossible to stop the tears this time. I did feel broken, part of me felt helpless, but I had to fight harder. She was right – he could take my freedom, but he couldn't break me if I did not allow him to, and I would fight him, Archie, Caleb and anyone else who wanted to break me.

“I’ll make you proud, mom,” I vowed.

Chapter 10

I was finishing my homework when Taylor burst into my room followed very closely by my stepmother.

“Taylor?” I jumped from my chair. “You said you’d never come here.” My heart hammered in my chest as dread filled me. “Is everything alright?”

“No, nothing’s alright. Having my friend spend her evening doing…” she looked at the book on my desk and scowled as if it had personally offended her, “math on the Friday night of her 18th birthday? Not happening.”

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