Page 44 of Unsteady

We leave quickly, piling into Freddy’s ancient SUV that shouldn’t be road legal. It takes a few minutes to maneuver out of the piled-up street parking, which Freddy does one-handed while opening his phone and tossing it to Rora, who has to lean onto the console to use it while it stays connected to the cord hooking it to the outdated system.

“I don’t have connection, but there’s lots in my downloaded. Play whatever, princess.” He smirks, winking over his shoulder at the already flushed girl. I elbow him in the side hard, but he only smiles wider. “Just make it good.”

Rora purses her lips, looking quickly at Sadie who sighs deeply like a parent—but it’s more out of amusement than being annoyed—and she leans forward to sit her chin on Rora’s shoulder.

They both smile brighter as she clicks on something and sets the phone back on the console.

“Oh hell yeah,” Freddy shouts as the song starts, cranking the volume to an absurd level and rolling down all four windows so the heated summer night air breezes through. They all sing at the top of their lungs to the Taylor Swift song blaring, so loud I can’t really make out their voices in the mixed chorus.

My eyes flicker between both the rearview and side mirrors, where I can just see her, dancing side to side, hands in the air, ponytail wild behind her, eyes closed. They open again, her body stretching across the backseat as she and Rora hold hands and yell the chorus into each other’s faces, giggling along.

As many times as I’ve seen her, she’s only really smiled at me twice. But this smile—this is different. It’s so big, her pillowy, faded red lips stretching, the apples of her sharp cheeks softening and creasing the collection of freckles beneath her eyes that I’m just as desperate to touch as I am to get close enough to count them.

Too distracted by the indecent path of my thoughts, my entire body jolts as she suddenly grabs hold of my shoulders, leaning over the middle as far as her seatbelt will let her. Her hands settle and squeeze, and it’s embarrassing how difficult holding back a moan becomes.

Her lips are nearly at my ear as she shouts over the music, “Why aren’t you singing?”

Sadie is infectious, so much so that a smile to match hers dances quickly across my face.

“I don’t know the song.”

“You don’t know “Getaway Car?” Rora joins, smooshing in next to Sadie, which only presses her cheek to mine for a second, the corner of her lips hitting my skin like a goddamn fire poker.

Freddy graciously turns the volume down. “He’s not really a Taylor Swift guy; unless they’re playing it in the arena, I doubt he knows it. And even then” —he shakes his head— “Rhys is too focused to hear anything besides ‘Get. Puck. In. Net.’”

Sadie rolls her eyes at the robotic impression, sharing a look with me like she understands how deep that implication goes for us.

If you play it, I’ll listen.

She gestures with her chin towards him. “And you’re not focused?”

“I’m a good multitasker,” he says, but in usual Freddy fashion, it’s ingrained with the perverse double meaning, making Sadie and I groan, while still-drunk Rora laughs again.

I grab the dial and turn the music back up to save us all from Matt Fredderic’s relentlessness, letting the music blare as we cross South College and head to the edge of campus.

“We’re in Millay,” Sadie offers before either of us can ask, pointing to the red brick buildings facing each other at an angle, the fountain and benches between them barely lit by the orange sidewalk lights, disrupted only by the blaring neon blue of an emergency box.

Freddy pulls right up to the curb, and I nearly spring from the car, terrified that if I don’t try something now, she’s going to slip through my fingers once again.

Sadie looks a little shell shocked at the sight of me standing, but keeps her arm around Rora’s waist and doesn’t say anything as I walk them both up to their dorm entrance. Sadie swipes her Waterfell ID and lets Rora through with a strict command to wait, before spinning back to me.

“Thanks for the ride,” she says. “And for my car. I didn’t mention it before, but that was… You didn’t have to do that, so thank you.”

My head is shaking before she finishes her sentence. “Of course.”

From my angle on the ground and her two steps up, she’s slightly taller than me so I have to look up at her. I’ve been looking up at her from every panic induced dream I’ve had since that day on the ice, like she’s meant to be there.

A fucking guardian angel, I guess. Which is something I’ll never say out loud because I’d never let myself live that down. Especially considering how much I crave that from her.

Like she wouldwantto save me.

Pathetic.

Self-hatred swirls again, and now I want to tape my mouth closed before I say something stupid like, “You could repay me by getting coffee. With me, I mean.”

My laugh is just as self-deprecating, and I want to tell her that I used to begoodat this, that I was charming and not whatever this shaking pitiful thing is that’s replaced that part of me.

Sadie doesn’t laugh, but she does start shaking her head.

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