Page 72 of Between Dusk and Dawn

Ember nodded, her expression serious. "Yeah, that she went missing."

I looked down, struggling with the weight of my confession. "Yes. There was more to it." I admitted, lifting my gaze to meet hers.

Her eyes narrowed. "There is always more with you," she interjected, cutting through my attempt at explanation.

"Hear me out. Your brother was there. I had met him that year at the bonfire. He was dating Cagen, my roommate at the time."

"What?" Ember exclaimed, practically jumping from her seat.

"Please sit. Let me finish." She nodded, sitting closer on the couch, away from the window.

I shared stories with her about Cagen and my family. Their actions had led to us being separated, a painful chapter of my life. I opened up about the night my parents ruined everything, which forced me to live with a grandmother I never knew existed. My grandmother had a grand scheme to transform me into a better person, pushing me into cheerleading, dressing thepart, and striving for popularity and wealth. It was a desperate attempt to avoid the same fate as my parents.

I told her about the moment I met Walsh and what it felt like, even admitting that I had hooked up with him. Then I described how, on the night Cagen went missing, I was more concerned about my own future than my roommate's disappearance.

The words came spilling out like a faucet because I’d never had anyone to share this with. I dropped every single mask I’d ever worn and all the walls that I’d put up around me to explain to someone, finally, what the truth was.

I didn’t care that I was sharing our deepest secrets. It was fucking freeing.

"I hated myself, Ember. When Cagen was pronounced dead after missing for so long, I thought it was the end of everything I had worked for. I had to live now with a piece of myself so fucking exposed. Everyone was so concerned with her missing, rightfully so, that they forgot about me. I was nobody to them anymore. I wasn’t even invited to the funeral that they eventually held for her, and I was her fucking roommate." The tears spilled. I couldn’t look at her, so I stared out at the window, but she shifted closer on the couch.

"I was a nobody, yet again, and something inside of me triggered that emotional response that happens when your inner child gets hurt. So I did what I thought I could to rebuild, put a wall up." I sighed.

"And what happened to my brother?" I braced for the bite in her tone, but it never came. So, I swallowed my pride.

"I was so lost, Ember. I am so sorry that you happened to be the victim in all of this. I was young and really fucking hurt." I buried my hands in my face as I cried relentlessly. "I wanted to hurt him. I wanted him to know what it felt like to not feel protected. I hated him. I thought that he did this to me. He left me for the wolves, and I was just a sheep that was going to geteaten. I’d worked my entire life not to be like my parents, to find a community that would protect me, and in one fucking night, it was ripped from my hand." I choked on the sobs racking through me.

"So, you used me as bait, trying to get close to him." I nodded before lifting my head. I was living in so much shame the feeling could swallow me whole.

"But I really liked you. I was so conflicted when we were roommates because I genuinely wanted to be your friend, but then I would see a photo of him or watch a glimpse of him as he hung around so many different girls, and my jealousy went wild."

"And he pretended like he didn’t know you?" I nodded at her question. "He’d always invite you to the parties, too."

"Yeah, but he never actually brought me there."

She narrowed her eyes. "You told me you went there."

"I’d sneak in because I wanted to see him, even if he pretended like I didn’t exist. I was addicted to him."

"Well…shit. This was not in my bingo cards for the year." She reached her hand across the arm of the couch, and I furrowed my brows.

"Take my fucking hand. You’re crying and I’m not evil." A small twist on the corners of my lips appeared before I grasped onto her.

"So, what happened after all of that?" I’d stopped remembering the day of graduation. I was so sad when he kicked me out. My heart had shattered, and it was the day I realized I’d fucked up everything in my life.

It was the day Walsh fucked up, too. The day he pushed me away because he was being selfish. Because he was so consumed with his plan for the future he forgot that he was also hurting the one person he cared about. So I told Ember this. All of it.

I probably shouldn’t have shared this information with my hus—er, Walsh’s sister, but I needed a friend right now…desperately. I hadn’t told anyone this story ever, but I really hadn’t had a social friend in a long, long time.

When I was done talking, I looked over at Ember, my eyes barely reaching her gaze. My tears wet the pads of my cheeks. Ember looked at me softly before she began to speak.

"I really fucking hated you. I mean, I despised you for a very, very long time. You ruined a time in my life when I was supposed to be grieving. I was destroyed when Ash died, and I was looking for you to help me, to be a friend, and to just be there. Not only were you not there, you pushed me away." Tears fell down her cheeks. I gave her hand a little squeeze because the words weren't forming in my brain. A rush of pressure hit my chest as I imagined what a horrible person I was.

I was selfish.

I whispered, "I hated myself, too."

Sobs wrecked my body. The pain from all those years ago seeped into every ounce of my being. "I don't know who I am anymore, but I am really trying to be a good person now."

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