Page 26 of Into the Light

“If he was pushed, it is always muddy up here, so you’d see the two sets of shoe prints on the rock. Maybe we can have a look when we get back to the house?” I asked, wanting her involved, desperate to spend more time with her.

“I’d love that.” She gave me a slight smile. “I want to go up there.”

“Okay,” I said, stepping forward before she pulled me back. “Alone.”

“Okay,” I repeated, turning toward the car. “I’ll just wait—”

“Can you just stay here?”

Looking around, I found a small stump on the side, pulling away before letting her go forward. She needed to see him, to feel his spirit, to feel what I did every time I came up here. She needed to know it was okay to live, that what she’d been doing in the city wasn’t living; it was existing, and there was a difference between the two.

I may not have been a pro at offering advice, but I knew I had to heed my own wisdom. I was simply going through the motions in life, existing rather than living. Being here, after I got past the initial fear of solitude, was a form of healing. It felt good to see the last thing he did, to find beauty in the quiet, to see the birds gliding through the air, and to believe, in some way, that he had found peace here, no matter how it all unfolded.

Chapter eleven

A tranquil silence surrounded me, almost as if Ash’s spirit had wrapped its arms around me, urging me to find closure and move forward. I found it imperative I unravel the truth of what had happened to him so I could begin healing and let go of the pain I had carried for months. That’s what propelled me to keep walking toward the edge, pushing me through the fear of being in the one place so connected to who Ash and I were together.

As I ventured closer to the edge of the rock, memories of our happier moments seemed to materialize before my eyes. Standing where I imagined he once stood, taking his last breath, I couldn’t hold back the tears that welled up and streamed down my cheeks.

A mixture of laughter and sobs escaped my lips as I became submerged in the vivid recollections. Amid the overwhelming emotions, an unexpected sense of tranquility settled upon me. I gingerly touched my tear-stained cheeks and perched myself at the edge of the rock.

“I miss you,” I whispered, my voice barely louder than a breath. “Going through everything without you was excruciating. I felt so utterly alone.”

Loneliness had been the most tormenting aspect. It had felt like an unending battle waged in a world of solitude, and the fear that accompanied such isolation was paralyzing.

“I hope you’re watching overher,” I whispered.

I buried my face in my arms, allowing the waves of emotion to wash over me.

“Want some company?” A dark yet comforting tone snapped me out of my thoughts, and I looked up to the deep blues I’d grown accustomed to over the last couple of weeks.

“Yeah.” Rain sat beside me, leaving a sliver of space between us.

“I’m so tired, Rain,” I whispered, surrendering to the overwhelming sadness that had descended upon me like an unyielding weight. If my life were a story, this moment would be the darkest, most heart-wrenching chapter. I desperately longed to break free from the suffocating grip of grief, but I was immersed in it, wading through its depths.

“I am so alone, yet I am so scared of letting someone in. It’s fucking terrifying to imagine that someone else could take another piece of my heart and then leave me again. But I am tired of doing this . . . life.” I sighed. “I grew up stuck alone in a house with no friends. I was alone when I came here, and Ash gave me something I needed. He showed me a way into the darkness but somehow I got trapped. And now I don’t know what to do.”

Losing someone unexpectedly in a manner so brutally unfair, coupled with the fact I had already grappled with two deaths within eight months, was akin to sinking into an abyss. I yearned for a lifeline, for someone to extend a helping hand to pull me out. In that moment, I realized someone was there. His hand was extended toward me, waiting for me to grasp it. All I needed to do was reach out and take hold.

“You aren’t alone anymore, mi pareja.” I glanced over at Rain, then rested my head on his shoulder.

“I think someone else was here, but I don’t think they pushed him. What their role in all of this was, is beyond me, but I want to figure it out.” I looked at the night casting its shadow among the pines.

“I agree,” Rain whispered before resting his chin on my head.

“Em?” he murmured.

“Yeah?”

“Wanna go home? It’s just that it’s getting dark, and I don’t like being out here in the dark.”

“I agree,” I said as he jumped up, carefully lifting me and turning on his flashlight.

“I don’t know how to get unstuck,” I muttered as we walked together, this time with the space between us.

“What do you mean?” he asked.

“It’s just that there’s been so much grief and sadness over the last few months. I don’t know how to reach for your hand,” I explained. There was a brief pause.

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