Page 90 of Into the Light

I was trying to be strong. I was really fucking trying, but my entire being was cracking in half as if the world was cleaving open.

“I told you I don’t need protection,” I whispered.

“I’ve seen a lot of fucking death in life, Ember. But I have never seen anyone . . . do that before. It was fucking traumatizing,” Walsh whispered. “I just wanted to protect you from feeling the pain that I felt.”

I wanted to curl up in a ball and melt into the floor and disappear. I wanted, no, needed an escape.

Rain coughed a few times before he looked down at me. “I have to—Give me a minute,” he murmured.

He shook his head at me before he walked out of the door behind us. The weight of the room intensified as Walsh got off the desk and closed the distance between us.

“I was just trying to protect him and protect you, and maybe I fucked up, but I made him a promise, Em.” His voice was quiet.

I knew that was what he was trying to do, and at this point, what’s done was done, but it hurt that Walsh kept this secret for this long. We could have resolved this long ago if he’d have just given us the envelope.

“After what I saw, I couldn’t help but keep that for him. I felt like I owed him that promise, so as crazy as it sounds I kept this from you. I know I should’ve told you but if you saw what I did–”

I stopped him, holding up my hand. “I probably would’ve done the same thing.” Walsh let out a sigh of relief.

“Can we go back to talking to each other?” he asked, and I shook my head.

“I don’t know how to move forward between us. We have a lot of learning and growing to do, but right now my focus is trying to figure this out. We’re going to need your help with facilitating meetings between Dad and Mr. Ortiz.”

“Of course, Em.”

I paused, taking a deep breath. In that moment, I realized the trauma that my brother must have endured in this. Vowing to keep a secret to a dead man’s last wish was something heavy, and truthfully, I was not sure I’d be able to share it either.

“I understand why you did what you had to, to respect Ash.”

“Thank you,” Walsh said softly, the red beneath his eyes growing as the tears flowed freely. “I’ve never seen anyone talk about you with so much love in his heart. I thought, stupidly, that Dad and I were all you were ever going to need, but when he spoke of you, Ember, it was with such a light. You brought him probably the best year of his life—even with the battle he was fighting inside his head.”

I nodded because I was choked up. My brother closed the distance between us, and I let him hold me. Both of us were two broken, tattered souls, and I’d lost the last year with him.

“This isn’t how you expected my college experience to be, did you?” I sob-laughed into his chest, and he held me tightly. After a moment, I pulled away and looked at his tortured face.

“I need you to know from here on out, I need to care for myself. I don’t need anyone to protect me. I can protect myself.”

“I understand.” Walsh looked past the door where Rain had walked out a few minutes ago. “Is he . . . are you?”

“I don’t know, but yes?” It was a question, not because I wasn’t sure of Rain but mostly because I didn’t know what we were. “I fell in love with him.”

I swallowed because it was an uncomfortable thing to talk about with my brother for many reasons, but mostly because I felt guilty for having these thoughts of Rain while we were talking so intimately about Ash.

“He wanted you two to be together. He told me that Rain’s letter was in there for you to find. He wanted it to be him.”

I nodded because, again, if the words came out, they’d be replaced by a bucket of tears.

A slight knock at the door shook me out of my thoughts, and Rain came back into the room.

“Sorry,” he muttered before coming next to me and pressing a kiss to the side of my head.

“It’s okay,” I replied, my hand lingering on his bicep so he knew I was there for him if he needed it.

“Okay. Let’s talk about this meeting. Ember already knows about Pico and my wishes there.”

“Right, yes. Let me go get the envelope. It’s in a safe in my room. I’ll be right back.” Walsh excused himself from the room, and I turned toward Rain.

“Are you okay?” I whispered, getting up on my tiptoes so we could face each other.

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