Page 61 of Into the Light

I pulled out my phone and texted Ember back.

Me:

I’m so sorry. I fucked up. Let’s meet after class this week?

Three dots alerted me she was texting back.

Ember:

You really want to wait a week? Fine. I was just really fucking worried about you.

Me:

You shouldn’t have been. I was an asshole.

Ember:

. . .

Ember:

I don’t care about any of that. I was just worried about you.

Me:

I have midterms this week. Please give me until after class?

Ember:

K.

Whenever a girl types the word ‘k,’ I assume that she is horribly upset, so I knew Ember was pissed, but I needed this week. I needed to manage my thoughts because the shame and guilt I carried needed to find a new home. The panic attack I’d had last night was enough, and I didn’t want to go back to that place.

I sighed, grabbed my bag, and headed to the library to study. I just needed to get my thoughts straight . . . right?

Chapter twenty

I was genuinely trying to be understanding, but an entire week had passed without hearing so much as a single text from the guy I had hooked up with over the weekend, and it felt awful. The memory of our passionate encounter still lingered in my mind, yet the silence that followed it was deafening. That night, he couldn’t look me in the eyes and was behaving like a total jerk, which was out of character for him. The confusion and hurt I felt were festering, and I was genuinely pissed off. He should have spent the whole week groveling for my forgiveness, but instead, he withdrew, much like he did when Ash passed away.

The amount of guilt coursing through me after that night we shared was insurmountable. Ash was my boyfriend who . . . passed away, and I slept with his best friend. When Rain left, it only accentuated my thoughts that I was doing something wrong—we were wrong together. It was the guilt in those quiet moments that pushed me over the ledge. Coupled with his silence, I was utterly alone, experiencing a flood of emotions reminiscent of the aftermath of Ash’s death, where I felt abandoned by everyone.

Yet, when he had his panic attack, I thought I was going to lose him. I was terrified. He was complaining of his heart hurting, but was incoherent when I tried getting an answer from him. I called Pico and Marissa out of desperation, and thankfully, Pico knew exactly where we were.

When the doctor mentioned that it was a stress-induced panic attack, I connected the pieces easily. He couldn’t look me in the eye because of Ash. He was an asshole to me because he was unable to manage his emotions in that moment. It didn’t make what he did or how he reacted okay, but I knew where he was coming from. I’d had my fair share of panic attacks. Yet, instead of using his words and talking about his feelings, he retreated.

Walking down the stark and eerie basement toward our photography class that week, I hoped beyond hope that we’d be dismissed early because I had zero desire to be in the same room as him. Even though he told me he wanted to talk after class today, I was regretting even coming. As each day passed and the silence got louder, my irritation and pain deepened. Every scenario of why he hadn’t reached out yet played through my mind, stressing me out.

I entered the class late, my heart pounding with a mix of frustration and longing, hoping to avoid sitting next to him. However, as I walked in and apologized to the teacher, the only available seat was next to Rain. He removed his backpack from the empty seat, and I reluctantly took it, a surge of complicated emotions swirling through me.

Leaning toward me, he whispered, “Can’t escape me today, mi pareja,” wearing a smirk that I desperately wanted to wipe off. How could he come here and act like everything was normal while my heart ached with unresolved feelings and questions left hanging in the air.

I snapped a look in his direction, and he only laughed.

Evie coughed. “Thank you for showing up, Ember, but if the two lovebirds can work out whatever they need to after class, that would be ideal.” My cheeks went red. Next to me, a low chuckle sounded, which only infuriated me.

“I got all of your preliminary drafts on what really scares you guys, but I was overall pretty disappointed,” Evie said as she propped herself up. “I really want us to now dive deeper into what scares you. Instead of thinking at surface level, I want you to imagine you are knowingly at the end of your days, what would scare you the most?”

Rain reached over and caressed the small of my back. If that statement didn’t hit home, I’m not sure what else would.

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