Page 48 of Into the Light

It was bittersweet being reminded of Rain through all this. I was desperate for answers, but Rain’s presence was still very much here with me.

I went to his Notes app, hoping that he would share something there, but most of it was just random instructions and meeting notes from the Den.

Then I went to his messages, and there was an exclamation mark next to one to show he’d attempted sending a message, but it never sent.

As my finger brushed across the screen to open the message, a surge of emotions rushed through me. There it was, a text meant for me, even after our breakup. My chest tightened.

It was one simple phrase. Three small words that changed my entire life.

I love you.

I buried my hands in my arms and wailed, deep sobs bursting through my very core. As I sniffled, I stared into the darkening forest sky through the front window of the car and whispered, “If you are up there with her, I hope you’re teaching her how to ride a bike.” I laughed, inhaling the snot that was also unattractively pouring out of my nose. “You’re probably teaching her how to shoot a gun or something, honestly.”

I took a few deep, centering breaths as I caressed the unsent text message.

Fuck, I am so grateful this phone was cosmically saved by the branches through all the storms. I lifted the damp hoodie to my nose. Although it smelled nothing like I remembered Ash to be, the faint smell of pine from the forest wrapped around me. I imagined the way his arms felt holding me.

Finally, when I had enough courage to go through the phone, I skimmed through the most recent texts, then realized I would need a tech person to do a dig through this phone. Nothing else seemed out of the ordinary, so I went over to the Call app.

I clicked through his recent phone calls, and there were a bunch from Pico and hundreds of missed calls from Rain and his dad. A few voicemails pinged through as service to the phone was restored.

I clicked on the voicemails and pressed the first one from Rain from the night of the accident.

Hey man. I am worried about you. I haven’t heard from you in a while, and I know you were going to your rock, but this isn’t cool. Where are you, man? I’m going to have to find your GPS from your car soon if I don’t hear from you. I know as you listen to this you probably are laughing at me because you’re going to tell me to stop overreacting, but I am legit worried. Okay, love you, brother.

Then another, a little after his . . . passing. He was in tears while leaving the message.

Ash. Don’t do this. Why did you do this to me? I keep calling you even though I know you’ll never get this. We cannot seem to find your stupid ass phone either, so good luck to some random hiker or forest person finding this. Your dad thinks someone else was there. Fuck, Ash.

Another.

We found another set of tracks on the trail before the rain washed them all away. Who the fuck were you with? I always knew you suffered, and when I found you in the house when you were in high school with the bottle of pills by the floor, I told you I’d get you out. What am I supposed to do about Ember? She’s in Dansport but . . . fuck, I was tucking away all the emotions I felt about her for you. Because you were my brother and because of what happened in high school, you deserve someone who made you feel special, but now all I want to do is go down and comfort her, but I’d be hurting you if I acted on my thoughts.

And another.

Ash. Your funeral was today. Everyone was crying, but I forgot how to. I can’t seem to shed another tear. I’m so lost without you. I feel so empty inside. Your dad is saying I have to replace you at the Den. I don’t want to. I want nothing to do with this godforsaken organization. I always knew there was a possibility this would happen, but I had no idea you’d do it to yourself. I wish I could have changed things. I wish I would have been a better brother to you—protected you more. I wish I was more like you.

Finally, I tapped on the most recent message, which was a couple of weeks old, dated the day after I’d seen Rain in our photography class.

I saw her, Ash. I know precisely what drew you to her; she’s stunningly beautiful. Her curves, her luscious lips . . . I couldn’t help but fantasize about every way I wanted to have her right there on that desk. But I couldn’t ignore your voice echoing in the back of my mind. How the hell am I supposed to protect her while resisting these urges? I think we’re both lost souls, but I need your permission somehow. I need you to tell me it’s all right to pursue her. From the moment I laid eyes on her, from the sweet words that flowed from her lips like a melody, I knew she needed to be a part of my life. However, you wanted her more, so I handed her over to you, as I always did. I wanted to ensure your happiness. After the affair between her mom and my dad, which ignited the feud between the Cartel and the Mafia, as you always reminded me, I took a giant step back. Your dad was the one who pulled the trigger on Ember’s mom but it was her father who killed mine. I know Mr. Ortiz was looking for revenge, thinking he’s the savior here, but there was a lot of shit from all sides. God, I pushed her away, even going as far as being a total jerk to her because I had to remove her from my life completely. But, Ash, I think I might love her. Not as you did, but in a way that I want to see her smile again, hear her laughter, and have her spirit around me. She’s more than just Ember; she feels like . . . she’s mine.

Then there was a long pause.

Damn, this is unbearable. Please tell me what to do.

As the message ended, the phone went dark, and the air inside the car became oppressively hot. I pulled my shirt collar away from my neck, as it was becoming increasingly irritating and itchy. My eyes shifted toward the door handle, and I grabbed it, trying to open the door but nothing happened.

Get me out,I cried to myself.

Panic coursed through me as I struggled to escape. Silent pleas for help reverberated in my mind over and over again, and just as I forced the door open, I tumbled out, landing on the branches below. My face met the dirt, and I raised my hands, my legs still feeling as unsteady as jelly beneath me.

I took a deep breath, inhaling the familiar warm scent of pine, and tried to sit upright on the dirt.

Holy shit. If Rain’s dad was the one who was having the affair with my mom…

I cannot believe it was Rain’s dad, Franco. I wasn’t sure how I didn’t put two and two together. I should have known when Rain told me in the diner.

I should have known.

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