Page 66 of Fourth Wall

“I think we need to have that talk, Christian, before anything goes further.”

He hung his head low, and I could see the disappointment brimming in his eyes.

“I know.” He opened the door and then gestured to the back patio. “In my sobriety group of friends, we always put on coffee when we know we’re going to have a long, emotional night, soI’m going to make some for us. Go sit on the patio?” I gave him a slight smile as I made my way to the porch. I knew talking about his sobriety was hard for him. I knew it also probably had a lot to do with why he walked out on me for a week.

I went to the patio and pulled up one of the large Adirondack chairs around the pool deck. In the evening, the lights inside the pool gleamed, mirroring the glow of the night sky.

I could smell the coffee and feel his presence as he came around and joined me on the chair I had pulled out for him.

“This is a good tradition,” I offered, gesturing to the warm mug of coffee.

“I don’t know where you want me to start, Maeve, but I want to make this better. I want to be better for you because you make me want to become a better person.”

“You should want that for yourself, though. You should want to become a better person for you,” I encouraged as I took a sip of the steaming hot liquid that almost mimicked the way the steam came off the sauna.

“I do.”

“I was married to Tyler for a couple of years before he came home one day and told me he was having an affair and leaving me for Stephen.” I could see the hurt in his eyes.

“I’m so—” I cut him off quickly.

"I don't want to say this to upset you, but I need you to understand why your departure affected me so deeply. Throughout my life, I've experienced people leaving me, and it has taught me to rely solely on my family and myself to support my girls," I expressed, my voice trembling with emotion. Tears welled up in my eyes, threatening to spill over.

"Before you left the other day, I felt like you were different. I believed you could be someone I could lean on during tough times. I thought that was the message you were trying to convey, so it was incredibly disheartening to see you walk away and leaveme alone again," I continued, my voice cracking with the weight of my emotions. Tears streamed down my cheeks as I struggled to find the right words.

Christian attempted to interject, but I couldn't let him. I needed him to understand the depth of my feelings. "Christian, it's not your responsibility to look out for me. I know that. It's my own duty. However, if we're going to explore whatever this connection is between us, I need to know that you're on my team. I need to know that you're in this with me, through the ups and downs, and that you won't just walk away when things get tough," I pleaded, my voice filled with vulnerability and determination.

A heavy silence hung in the air as I poured my heart out. The air felt charged with uncertainty, and I anxiously awaited Christian's response. The weight of his decision hung in the balance, and at that moment, my heart trembled with both hope and fear.

32

Christian

I thought this was what love felt like. I’d watched enough rom-coms, read enough romance novels that I’d never admit aloud, and saw enough people beg me not to kill them because their spouse wouldn’t be able to live without them. I honestly believed that this was what love felt like. I wanted to do everything toprotect Maeve, make her happy, and make her my family. I would take a bullet or walk into a burning building if that meant I would save Maeve and the girls.

“I walked out the other day because I was struggling,” I answered honestly. It was the first time I had been honest with someone who wasn’t my sponsor or therapist in a while. It was really fucking hard for me to admit I struggled. As a man who grew up without any male role models, and then jumping right into the military where mental health wasn’t a priority, it was hard for me to recognize that my emotions were valid too. That I needed to speak my own truth.

Then I explained the foothills, my sponsor, the group we started to keep each other accountable, and how I just left because I needed to get healthier.

“I realized when I was out there that I was replacing my cravings for booze with sex. I didn’t want to do that with you. You mean so much more to me than you could ever imagine, firecracker.” I offered her a small smile and reached my hand out, hoping she would grab mine. She hesitated, and that fucking nearly killed me.

“So it wasn’t for another girl?” I shook my head. “Christian, you cannot do that again without at least telling me or talking to me about it. I understand when you need to leave, but if you want to be a part of this family, I need to know when you're hurting, too.”

“I know. That’s what my therapist told me, too. I think I had just been so used to doing it this way for so long.” She grabbed my hand now, and we sat there taking sips of our coffee.

“Can I ask you something?” She approached me with a kind of delicateness that I wasn’t used to. People were scared of me. I was a bodyguard to a man who messed with the entirety of the underworld, so I wasn’t used to being treated like this.

“Sure.”

“What happened to you abroad?” Damn. I knew this was coming, but somehow, it didn’t hurt any less or make me any less nervous to talk about it. “You don’t have to tell me if it's too hard.”

"It's not an easy story to share, but I want you to understand who I am." Taking a deep breath, I began recounting the events that haunted me for years. The danger, the loss, the trauma—it all poured out, and with each word, I felt a weight lifting off my shoulders. Maeve listened intently, her eyes filled with empathy and compassion. When I finished, there was a profound silence between us, and I could sense the depth of her understanding.

"I want to be here for you, Christian. You have a family who loves you, children who look up to you. You are cherished by my parents, by our friends. You are so deeply loved and valued in this world. Just by being with me, you make me a better person."

Her heartfelt words moved me to tears, and in that moment, I truly saw Maeve. I realized the profound impact she had on my life, the way she saw past my scars and flaws to the person I could become.

She got up from her chair and quickly sat in my lap. I pulled her tight into my chest.

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