Page 100 of Into The Darkness

I clutched at my chest, as if trying to hold the shattered pieces of my heart together. The sobs that wrecked my body felt primal, raw, as if they were tearing me apart from the inside out. I wished that the rain could wash away the agony, cleanse me of this unbearable sorrow, but it only felt like nature’s cruel mockery of my pain.

Every memory of us together, every whispered promise, haunted my thoughts like ghosts. How could someone so vibrant, so full of life, be gone? The questions echoed in my mind, a relentless loop that offered no answers, only more anguish. The realization that I would never hear his voice, feel his touch, or see his smile again was a truth I struggled to accept.

I wouldneverhear him call me “mi sol.”

I wouldneverfeel the touch of his lips against mine.

I wouldneverfeel the comfort of his touch.

I wished for some sign, some connection to Ash, something to assure me he was at peace. But all I was left with was the relentless ache in my chest, a hole that could never be filled.

“And you are sure it wasn’t . . . foul play?” I wondered about my brother’s involvement.

“Yeah,” Rain confirmed.

“This is my fault,” I cried out as Rain dropped to his knees in front of me.

“No, it isn’t.” Rain attempted to comfort me by reaching his hand out toward mine, but I yanked my hand away, locking my eyes with his.

“It is. I broke up with him, Rain. He killed himself because of me.” I sobbed. “This is because of me.”

“He was fighting a lot of quiet demons, Ember.”

“This is my fault. Mine! Mine!”

Rain lifted me up so I was sitting bridal-style in his arms. I wrapped my hands around his neck, then he carried me as I continued to tell him over and over again that it was my fault. Because it was. All of this was my fault. I broke up with him.

Once he placed me onto the couch and sat next to me, he whispered, “You didn’t do this.”

“But—”

“No,” Rain stopped me. “This wasn’t your fault. He had been fighting this battle since we were in high school and probably much earlier, but I never realized it.”

I was shocked. My voice was caught inside my throat as Rain continued.

“He was in a lot of pain, Ember, but I need you to hear me out right now. I will protect you because that is what he wanted, but there are going to be a lot of fucking people out there who are going to blame your family on this. They are going to think it was shitty for them to go after him the day before the bonfire. They are going to see this as a slight against the Den, the cartel.”

I nodded, understanding what Rain was trying to say.

“You need to go to safety now.” My stomach was churning. “We need to focus on getting you somewhere protected.”

“My . . . fault” was all I rasped out.

I sat up and took a deep breath. “I did do this. I broke up with him. I was so cruel. My dad told me that I needed to break up with him in order to facilitate a sit down between his dad and mine. I didn’t actually want to break up with him, I was trying to do the right thing.” Rain winced. I didn’t consider that he, too, was grieving. Ash was his best friend—his brother.

“I am going to wake up tomorrow and this will all be over. This was just a terrible, horrible nightmare.”

“Sleep, Ember.” Rain rested my head on his chest, letting me sob into his shirt. “Tomorrow we will figure this out.”

I knew what he was promising me was empty. There was no figuring this out tomorrow. There was nothing to figure out because in that moment I knew the one person I could rely on was no longer here.

And I was alone.

The pain twisted in my chest, making me ache from the inside out. How was I going to get over this?

“This is a nightmare. I am going to wake up tomorrow and this will be over with.” For a brief flash, I saw Rain’s eyes laden with sympathy and mixed with the same anguish I had swirling around.

He gently reached up, hesitating before wiping away a tear that trailed down my cheek. The warmth of his skin reminding me of Ash’s fingers.

But nothing would be the same anymore. I knew it deep within my heart.

The sadness in his features shifted to a blinding rage. Rain’s hand retreating to his side as the icy coolness stole his features yet again.

Where was the light now, Mom? You were a fucking liar. You were lying with Dad, and you lied to me. Once you go into the darkness, there was no light to guide you out.

Rain shook his head and repeated what he’d told me earlier. “He’s dead.”

“Talk about them. Be proud of them. Losing a courageous battle doesn’t make you weak.”

– Jennifer Betts

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