Page 60 of Texting My Valentine

Begin what, exactly? I’m being upfront about looking for my one. She’s being upfront about not being interested in anything serious. I’m fighting for a life I probably won’t ever have.

Tori:Thank you.You don’t know how much that means to me. I’ve been worried about people I know seeing my performances for so long. Also, I kind of like that nickname. ‘Virgin Valentine.’ You need to be careful. What if I like it so much that I never want it to change?

Alex:I could be a gentleman and say I’d wait for you.But the truth is, I’d make you tingle and moan in other ways. I’d caress your flawless body, obsess over your curves, kiss your neediness, and massage your wetness until you were sizzling and couldn’t take it anymore. By then, my sweet virgin Valentine, you’d be begging to throw the nickname away.

Tori:You need to stop.I’m not saying I want you to, but getting any sleep at all is going to be impossible if you carry on.

Alex:Maybe you need to softly stroke your body for me to relieve some tension.

Tori:Or maybe I want to wait for the real thing.

My body thrums in response. Her words light me up. All these years I spent wondering if I’d ever meet a woman who would make me feel this alive, then fate threw us together.

Valentine’s. Fate. Coincidence.

Whatever it was, I know one thing. She belongs to me, even if she doesn’t want to accept it. Yet.

Tori:What I really want is to ask you something.But I don’t think you want to talk about it.

Alex:Try me.

She takes a while to respond. I pace the porch, feeling restless, opening and closing one hand into a fist. I want them to appear, the cowards. Bricks, knives, guns, whatever they want to bring. Do they seriously think I’ll ever let anybody hurt my boy, my woman, my family?

My head rushes. I’m getting ahead of myself. We’re a long way off being a family.

My phone buzzes.

Tori:I asked you earlier, but you seemed awkward about it. Please tell me to back off if I’m crossing the line, but why no photos of Elliot? On your phone, on your socials, on the walls?

I sigh, dropping back into the seat and tapping my foot.

Alex:I could say that I’ve been absentminded. I’ve been busy with work. I’m not somebody who takes a lot of photos anyway. That would all be true, but there’s something else, and I hate myself for it.

Tori:You can tell me.

I’m not sure I can. It’s not like I’ve been a bad guardian. It’s not as if, after his parents passed, I abandoned Elliot. But there’s still some complexity there.

Alex:Sometimes, when I look at that bright, intelligent, enthusiastic boy, I see my brother. I see my ex. I see what they did to me. And the fucked up thing aboutit is, beautiful; I didn’t care half as much about Lena after three years as I cared about you after three hours.

I keep typing, my breath coming fast, bottled-up emotions pulsing out of me.

Alex:I’ve tried my best to be close with Elliot, but sometimes, it’s like I’m distancing myself from him as some warped defense mechanism. It feels automatic. I can’t call it subconscious because I know I’m doing it. But it feels like instinct.

Tori:You’re protecting yourself from being hurt again.You were burned before by your brother, by somebody Elliot reminds you of. You’re afraid if you let yourself care about Elliot, he’ll let you down, too.

Alex:But that’s not fair to project onto a kid.

Tori:No, it’s not.

My virgin texts with brutal honesty, challenging me to do better, be better.

Tori:You need to be there for him, Alex. You’ve already given him more than most kids could dream of with this wonderful home, a nanny, a bright future. But trust me. Even though my parents argued every night, I still wish my dad was here.

Alex:Maybe I need somebody with a poetic eye to take some photos.

Tori:I’d be happy to do that.Elliot seems like a good kid.

Alex:Even if he’s imaginary?

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