Page 76 of The Secret Play

For years, I’d told myself that keeping Casey out of the picture was the right thing to do, even when I didn’t know he was Winnie’s dad—for him, for me, and for Winnie. I’d convinced myself that I was protecting her from disappointment, from a father who might not want to be involved. Apathy was the worst thing imaginable at the time.

I knew what that was like, thanks to my father’s stroke. He had lost so much of himself in it, so much of me and Nico. His memories of us were cloudy or missing completely. The first time I visited Dad in the nursing home, there was no recognition. No hint that he knew who I was. To him, I could have been just another nurse, coming for his bedpan. It was that apathy that drove home what I was dealing with. It was why I had to leave Atlanta, if I was honest with myself. I couldn’t stand seeing that apathy in his eyes.

So, I refused to expose Winnie to that. I had to protect her from even the possibility of it.

But was that really the truth? Had I kept her from him to protect her, or had I been protecting myself?

The wind had been knocked from my lungs by that thought. I didn’t want to dig deeper, but I had to. So, I forced myself to think about it. No more avoiding the messy shit. I owed them this much.

I’d made the decision for Casey, deciding he didn’t need to know about Winnie, didn’t deserve to know. After all, he was just a man, and they were all disappointments. And in doing so, I’d taken away his chance to be a father, to be there for Winnie in the way she deserved.

Winnie.

I glanced toward the living room, where her toys were scattered across the floor. Last night, as poor Casey waited in my room, we had played Princess Knight, a story she had made up last year. She loved making up stories for her toys, as much as I loved helping her do it. Princess Knight had been her favorite for a long time.

The princess was a secret knight, and her kingdom was under attack from a dragon. But the queen had forbidden the princess from slaying the dragon because it was too dangerous, so she had to hide in a metal suit—Winnie’s term for a suit of armor—and sneak out of the castle to hunt the dragon. I played the dragon, and I changed up my part of the story each time.

Last night, I’d made the dragon a vegetarian who wasn’t really attacking people—he just needed someone to get a splinter out of his foot. Winnie had giggled and helped him, even though she didn’t like touching someone else’s foot. Peace in the kingdom at last.

She deserved better than her own father hiding out in my bedroom. She deserved to have him in her life all the time. And Casey deserved to play Princess Knight.

The thought of how happy she’d been since we moved back to Atlanta only made the guilt worse. She’d taken to Casey immediately, their connection effortless and genuine. And I’d kept that from them for years.

Tears pricked at my eyes, and I wiped them away quickly. This wasn’t the time for self-pity. I couldn’t rewrite the past, but I could take responsibility for my mistakes and make things right now.

I was so lost in my thoughts that I didn’t hear Winnie approach until she was standing beside me, her little hand tugging on my sleeve. She had come home from daycare early—a lice outbreak. She was clean, but I’d have her during the day for the rest of the week.

“Mommy, what’s wrong?” she asked.

I forced a smile, pulling her onto my lap. “Nothing, sweetheart. I’m just thinking.”

“You look sad.”

I hugged her tightly. She had always been too observant. I always tried to pretend everything was fine. Sometimes, I got away with it. More often than not, I didn’t. But I had to try. “I’m okay.”

“Is it about Casey?” she asked, tilting her head.

I blinked, unsure why she had figured things out so easily. “Why do you ask that?”

“Because you look upset, but you always smile when he’s around.” Her childlike logic was both sweet and piercing. “Is it because he’s not around?”

“You’re too smart for your own good, you know that?”

She grinned, but her smile quickly faded. “If he made you upset, I don’t like him anymore. If you don’t like him, then I don’t like him either.” She folded her arms and tried to look tough. “He’s a bad man.”

Her words sent a fresh wave of guilt crashing over me, and I hugged her tightly again. “Oh, honey. That’s very sweet of you, but Casey didn’t make me upset. He’s a good man. That’s not why I’m asking.”

“Then why?” she pressed, her small brow furrowing. Right then, she looked so much like him that my thoughts dried up.

How had I not seen it before? Didn’t matter now. I had to put my thoughts back together. “What do you think about Casey?”

“I told you. I like him if you like him.”

“I need your opinion, Winnie. Me aside, what do you think of him?”

She took a deep breath, brow still furrowed, still looking like her father. But then she looked guilty, like the time she spilled her orange juice on the couch and tried to hide it by covering it with her blankie. “I like daycare. But he’s my favorite part about Lanta.”

Lanta. Her word for Atlanta.

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