Page 79 of Pucked and Pregnant

“What do you mean by thought loops?”

“Like earlier today, for instance. I couldn’t stop checking and rechecking all my pads, my equipment. Normally I’m good after two to three checks. Today, it was more than double that. I couldn’t stop adjusting my uniform because I was distracted by how it felt on my body. I missed opportunities I shouldn’t have missed, like when Max passed me the puck and I got anxious and froze because I couldn’t remember if I was holding my stick right. If I had taken the shot like I was supposed to, I could have scored but instead, I got checked. And then I couldn’t stop thinking about what I did wrong and how it’d be all my fault if we lost the game. That made the skin-crawling feeling even worse.”

He swallows hard then closes his eyes for a moment.

“I also went batshit in the locker room because my shoulder pads weren’t hanging perfectly straight in my locker. Everyonewas staring at me so Max distracted them by offering to buy the first round of drinks at the bar. Then, he waited until everyone was gone before asking if I was okay so I could maintain a little dignity. How can I justify keeping a secret this big from him when he does things like that? He’s always looked out for me ever since the locker room incident in middle school. That’s how our friendship started, and I repay him with betrayal. Do you know how horrible that feels?”

I do know how horrible that feels but if I admit that, then I’d have to share my secret. He’s already stressed enough. I don’t need to add to it by dropping the baby bomb on him.

Instead, I ask, “What locker room incident? I thought all of you had the same gym period and you and Dimitri just kind of got folded into the group.”

“That’s not entirely true.”

“So what is true?”

“Well, you know that I was a scholarship student at Foxcroft Prep, right?”

I nod.

“What you don’t know is that I used to be a shy kid. I never really participated in the locker room talk about girls. There were some guys that made certain assumptions because of that, and they made my life a living hell. There was one of them in every single class I took, but gym class was the worst because all five of them were in it. October fourteenth was the best, and worst day of my life that year, because that’s when the shoving turned into punching. They cornered me and beat the shit out of me. I don’t know how far it would have gone if your brother, Aiden, and Dimitri hadn’t jumped in and saved me.”

“That’s awful. That kind of behavior is disgusting I’m so sorry you had to go through that.”

“I got a few things out of that day. Friends, obviously, but I also figured out that no one wanted to see that side of me.Everyone I’ve tried to open up to has left except for them. Can’t you see that the longer we keep it from him, the worse of a betrayal it is? I don’t know how much longer I can hide this, and I know Aiden and Dimitri are feeling the same way.”

“I understand. Believe me, I do, but what would you even say to him? How could you possibly describe it in a way that won’t ruin your friendship? We don’t even know what this is. We just agreed that we’d start screwing around again. It’s not like any of us have said that we want anything serious. Maybe he’d get over it if you were my boyfriends and he knew things went beyond just an exclusive hookup. But we all know that’s never been what this is.”

“And what if that’s changed? What if we do want something permanent?”

My heart, dirty traitor that it is, leaps in my chest, and for a moment, I let myself hold on to that hope.

I’d be delusional to think that could ever really happen.

“Connor, the three of you started a fight that almost ruined your friendship over the possibility of dating me. How do you expect me to believe you won’t do that again over the possibility of something more serious?”

The look he gives me makes my heart clench.

“Things are different now that everything is out in the open with the four of us. Can’t we at least talk about it with everyone before you write it off?”

You know what else that group meeting would be good for? Ripping off the Band-Aid and telling them you’re pregnant.

“Okay. I’ll do it.”

“You’ll do it? Just like that?”

“Yes, just like that.” I sigh. “But can we at least wait until you have a bye week? I don’t think I’m emotionally capable of handling that conversation during an on week, especially not with the playoffs this close.”

“That’s probably for the best. Besides, what’s a few weeks in the grand scheme of things anyway? It’ll be over before you know it.”

Yes.

Yes, it probably will.

22

CONNOR

Iknew that talking to someone would help alleviate some of the guilt I feel, but knowing something and feeling something are two different things.

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