Page 69 of True Blue

“After the accident, when I woke up in the hospital, and they told me what happened, I fell apart. It felt like I couldn’t stop, like I would always be breaking over and over again. And then eventually I went numb.”

She closes her eyes, leaning against the porch rail before turning and staring at our old house once again. I turn to face it as well, finally letting myself take in the façade. The paint looks fresh, the blue door I remember replaced by a dark black metal one.

I can barely see it as it is now around the memories flashing across the outside though.

Dad mowing the lawn every Sunday morning. Layla and Axel and I having a snowball fight in the yard while the adults shovel the driveway. Mom making chalk drawings on the sidewalk with me in the summer.

We both stare at the past across the street, trapped in different memories.

“I tried for a few days,” she whispers. “I forced myself to get out of bed, make you food, live.” She looks over at me again. “But it hurt just doing that. And I got frustrated. Tati always said I was too impatient for my own good.” She laughs lightly, tears breaking out over her bottom lashes. “I just wanted to skip to the part where everything felt normal again, but I would break down every morning when I woke up and Dad wasn't there.” The tear streams get thicker and her nose crinkles up. She wraps her hands around each of her upper arms, twisting the toe of her shoe into the porch as she looks down.

“Your grandfather called me. He heard about everything. I still don’t know how.” She laughs looking up at the sky. “He hadn’t spoken to me since I introduced him to Levi. He didn’t approve.” She shakes her head, but I lean back, never knowing why Mom wanted to return to her hometown in Georgia. I never met her parents, and no one ever told me why. Until now.

She looks over at me. “He told me to come home. And it just felt like it would be easier. Levi and Tati were never in Georgia. And he said he had a job lined up for me in the Senator’s office. I could take you and leave and never look back. It was cowardice, but it felt like the only way to survive at the time.” She tips her head back again and sighs, closing her eyes and tightening her arms around herself.

My memories of those few days are fuzzy, and I try to remember noticing her struggling. But the only thing I remember is struggling myself.

“When I took the job, I just needed something to do every day, some way to make money to support us. Your grandfather offered to pay for us, but he never approved of Levi and I and he didn’t even want to meet you.” She rolls her eyes, shaking her head and staring out at the street again. “We argued about it, but in the end, I took his job offer and that was it. I got us a place and I started going to work for the first time in years.” She looks at me, our eyes meeting. “I spent your whole childhood at home, and I loved it, honey. I really did. But in Georgia, I felt like I needed to get out of the house, needed to be constantly moving. If I sat still, I would think about…” She sighs.

“You have to understand,” She says and steps closer to me, reaching out for a moment. Her hand drops though as she shakes her head. “It wasn’t to get away from you. I never wanted to leave you behind. I just wanted something to distract me, something to put my focus on so that I didn’t have to think.” She shakes her head again, folding her arms back over her chest.“The Senator saw my potential, saw an opportunity for me to use my degree since he was stepping down, so I just went with it. And the further I got, the less time I had to think about anything else. I don’t know when it started to slip into obsession, but I can see now that it did.” She starts rubbing her hands over her arms, trying to keep warm. Her eyes meet mine now, a hollow despondency echoing between us. “I know I changed after Dad and Tatiana died. I thought I needed to. I thought I needed to get rid of everything that reminded me of them. And that included me.”

Mom steps toward me, unwrapping her arms to place her hands hesitantly on my shoulders. I flinch a little, cold tears clinging to my cheeks as I blink them out of my eyes. She winces at the reaction, but steps closer to me still. “I never wanted to change toward you, Janette. My career, our address, our life, sure, but I never meant to change us. It’s not an excuse, but my grief drove me to become a different person and I'm so sorry it took me this long to realize it.”

I stand still in front of her for a few moments. The sound of my breathing rattles around in my head, heart thumping along to the rhythm. “I lost them too,” I whisper. “And then it felt like I lost everything else when we moved to Georgia.”

“I know, honey. I’m so sorry.” She pulls me into a hug and her voice sounds as caring as it did when I skinned my arm after falling off my bike, the memory choking me with the backdrop of our past behind her. A flash of her fake syrupy voice when she called me honey yesterday sounds in my ears.

That wasn’t my mom, that was the person she made herself be.

This is my mom.

I hug her back, limbs shaking a bit, and close my eyes.

After a few minutes, we pull back, arms still holding each other. “I want to do better. I’m done running,” she says, shakingher head and looking back over at the house. “I’ve asked Pietro to find me a grief counselor to work with. It’s going to take a while to deal with my buried issues and move forward, but I want to try.” She looks at me, smiling. “I want to get to know you. I feel like I just woke up to notice everything I've been missing, and I want to catch up.”

I nod to her, smiling back as a resounding warmth blankets my ribcage.

“I don’t even know what your major is at school. Or who you’re in love with!” She shakes me a bit, eyes alight with excitement, but still red and tear rimmed.

“Well, they’re both here, so you could come in and meet them.” I watch her reaction, wondering if my impulsive words just thrust us out of the pan and into the fire too soon.

But Mom just laughs, shaking her head. “You always were so easy to love,” she says, smoothing a hand over my hair. “I would love to meet them, but I think I need to talk to Jack and see if it’s okay with everyone else first.”

I nod, turning back to the door. We step back inside, the warmth instantly enveloping us as I take off my coat and boots. Uncle Jack comes up the stairs, startling a little when he sees Mom standing there next to me on the welcome mat.

“You okay?” he asks me again.

I nod, touching Mom’s shoulder as I head for the stairs. “You guys should talk,” I say to Uncle Jack, and he nods once at me before looking over at Mom by the door. I head down, finding Bentley and Axel’s eyes as they watch me descend, both leaning against the kitchen island facing the stairs.

I walk up to them, smiling and folding my arms over my chest. “Have you guys been standing here like guard dogs the whole time?”

“Yes,” Layla calls from over at the table and Axel glares over at her.

“We just wanted to be ready in case you needed us,” Bentley says, placing a hand on my waist. “How are you feeling?”

“Better,” I say as I exhale deeply. “Mom apologized and explained why everything changed so much. She wants to go to therapy and deal with Dad and Aunt Tati’s death and try to move forward.” Bentley nods and Axel crosses his arms. I lean toward him, placing my hands on either side of him on the island. “She wants to meet the men I’m in love with.”

Axel searches my eyes, hand coming up to tangle in my hair after pushing it behind my ear. “I’m not done being mad at her,” he says carefully.

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