Page 99 of Lose You to Find Me

The sleepless nights.

The fear of realization when I found out I’d been pregnant with Cody’s baby and an entirely new fear when they’d seen all those cysts on my ovaries that spread over the years.

I tell Caleb every little doubt that crept into my mind. Could I make him happy if we couldn’t have kids? Would he be angry? Resentful? Sad? Could we make it forever after so many promises weren’t met?

Deep down, I want to believe we could.

But sometimes you have to sacrifice the comfortable things in life for the good things. It’s not always mutually exclusive. I would have preferred Caleb think the worst of me after telling him about Cody, so I didn’t let myself hope there was a chance at a future for us.

Because Caleb was always a comfortable thing.

Wonderful. Loving. Attentive.

We were good together, but that didn’t mean we always would be. Nothing is guaranteed in life. So you have to figure out what’s worth keeping, losing, and letting go of for the bigger picture. It wasn’t just my masterpiece that I was painting. It was Caleb’s too.

“I want you to know how sorry I am for everything I did. All the things I put you through were always meant for the best. It wasn’t that I thought I had to lose you to find me. It was the other way around. I needed to know you’d be happy, even if that meant seeing you build everything we talked about with somebody else. I’m so sorry, Caleb. You’ve gone through a lot this year, and you didn’t deserve it.”

I’m greeted by the thickest silence we’ve ever shared between us. He’s not even blinking.

This is why I didn’t want to tell him. Because every wave of emotion on his face is clear. Because there’s no going back. No more shielding him from anything. No more protection from what fate dealt us.

Eventually, his fists tighten at his sides.

“I can’t…” He shakes his head, turning around and cursing.

There’s barely any evidence of him in this room because I tucked all the things that reminded me of him into a box in the closet. Safe, for my eyes only when I want to torture myself. And I do. Often. But as he looks around, he must see how much he’s been erased from the life I’ve lived since the breakup.

Caleb abruptly swings around, eyes narrowing as they land on me. “How fuckingdareyou.”

My eyes widen.

“Howdareyou make that decision for me,” he seethes, fists clenching so tightly they turn white. He doesn’t move closer to me or step away. “You had no right to assume I couldn’t handle the truth. Do you honestly think you helped? That you made thingseasier?”

Jaw quivering, I shake my head. “Cal—”

“No.” He jabs a finger at me. “You don’t get to say anything else. You’ve done enough. All this time, Raine.All this time.” More cursing, hair tugging, and pacing.

Sigmund is standing, but his tail isn’t wagging anymore. It’s tucked under his legs as he watches Caleb suspiciously, stiff and protective as if he can sense the tension in the room.

When Caleb finally turns to me again, I don’t expect his red face or glassy eyes full of angry tears. “You had no right,” he repeats, voice breaking with raspiness.

“I really thought I was doing the right thing,” I tell him. “I thought if I couldn’t have kids—”

“This isn’t about the goddamn kids, Raine!” he barks, veins popping in his neck. He grips his hair and stares at me through his tear-stricken eyes. “Ineededyou. And you weren’t there.”

The second those broken words are out, what’s left of my heart shatters. So this time I don’t bother saying anything. An apology won’t do anything at this point.

I needed you.

I needed you.

I needed you.

“I can’t do this,” Caleb says. He goes to my bedroom door, gives me one last look as if he’s trying to figure out what’s real and what’s not, and then walks out.

The front door opens.

Slams closed.

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