Page 87 of Lose You to Find Me

Next.A heaviness settles into my stomach. “Whatdoescome next?”

The woman who’s always had my back shakes her head. “I don’t even know what I’m going to make for dinner. So I guess what comes next is that.”

I reach over and grab two forks from the tray they’re in, then pass one to Mom. “Well, you already made pie. Nothing against dessert for dinner.”

Her sigh isn’t defeated or approving. “It’s hardly nutritious.”

I stab into a piece of apple. “It’s got fruit.”

Mom’s laugh sucks up some of the tension in the room. “You’re not wrong. And it’s not like your dad is going to eat any, so more for us. Right?”

She’s trying, and I respect that.

“When you said it was always Dad,” I say, staring at the steaming dish in between us. “How did you know? Was there any doubt?”

Raine asked that once upon a time.

I have no doubt Mom knows why I’m asking when she pats my hand. “I wouldn’t say there was doubt, but that doesn’t mean we didn’t have our hardships.”

“Really?”

She nods. “We wanted kids at different times. Debated moving somewhere else instead of settling here. We couldn’t figure out the timing of it all but had to trust it’d wind up exactly how it was meant to. Once we accepted that, we were okay.”

All I can do is nod slowly.

Mom reaches over and knocks her knuckles against my skull lightly. “What is going through that thick head of yours, baby boy?”

The same thing that always is. “I just feel like I need to talk to Raine. Maybe after finals so I can be clearheaded for them.”

I don’t miss the tiny smile that begins curling her lips. I’m afraid she’ll get her hopes up, but I can’t stop it. “I think that’s a good idea.”

The fact that’s all she says tells me nothing, and I don’t know if I should be grateful or upset for her lack of insight. She’s trying to make me figure it out on my own like any loving mother would for her son.

“Caleb?” I hear called out in a raspy tone from the living room.

I perk up at Dad’s voice.

“Let me know how it goes,” Mom tells me, but I don’t know if she means with Raine or with Dad. Because they’re both unstable relationships.

When I walk into the room where Dad is, he’s propped up in his chair trying to adjust a pillow behind his back.

“Here,” I say, stepping over to help him get comfortable.

“I’ve got it. I said I’vegot it,” he snaps, all but smacking my hand away from him.

I hold up my hands and back up. “Sorry. I was just trying to help.” Sitting on the edge of the couch cushion closest to him, I brush off the hurt clinging to my rib cage. “What’s up? Do you need anything?”

Dad stares ahead, not seeming to focus on anything in particular before his eyes slowly move toward me. “Everything is going to be okay, son.”

I blink at the unexpected words. How could he say that? “I don’t know if I can agree with that, Dad.”

“You don’t have a choice.”

Jaw twitching, I clench my hands together and squeeze them. “Everybody has a choice. Maybe mine is to be pissed off.”

He shakes his head. “That’s no way to live your life. You have so many years ahead of you. Don’t waste them being angry.”

Despite myself, tears prick the backs of my eyes. Hot, angry tears that burn the ducts. I try blinking them away.

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