Page 85 of Lose You to Find Me

“I find it amusing that you don’t think you’re dramatic considering you’re making a big production right now.”

I blink, absorbing her tone. “Wow. Okay. I’m just trying to answer your question, Mom. I’m sorry if you feel attacked—”

“Attacked?You know what, Raine? I do feel attacked. Your father and I have done so much for you. We’ve always cheered you on and rooted for your success. And now you tell me that you’re studying all this nonsense because of him and me? No. We shielded you from so much growing up, so don’t pin this on us.”

I take a deep breath to calm my tone so this doesn’t escalate more. “I love you, but that’s not true. I saw it all. Heard it all. Even when you didn’t realize I was paying attention.”

Is it so bad to be the reason I’m so motivated? I’m building a future for myself because of them. There isn’t any blame, only gratefulness.

I don’t get a chance to tell her how much she’s influenced me because she decides to take this conversation one step further. “Before you cast yourself in such a good light, think about how close you were to making the same mistake I did. If you hadn’t broken up with the Anders boy, then you would have wound up exactly where I am. Miserable and divorced. Be grateful you never got pregnant to add single mom to that list.”

All I can do is stare in disbelief at how quickly this turned around.

She locks eyes with me. “You are more like us than you want to admit, always so close to making choices that will ruin your life.”

It’s hard to restrain myself as I move my chair back. “I’m so sorry that having me was such a huge inconvenience to your life plans, Mom. Truly. It must suck to have settled with two people you didn’t really want all these years. Some people would feel like the luckiest people on the planet to have what you did.”

Me included.

Tears prickle the backs of my eyes as I grab my plate and walk over to dump it into the garbage bin. Before I walk out of the room, I hear Mom say, “The eggs were rubbery.”

I manage to hold in the tears long enough to get Sigmund and his leash and leave the house to go anywhere but here.

It isn’t until I’m down the street that I feel my phone buzz in my back pocket.

Mom:I’m sorry

She never was good at saying that in person. Which is why I choose to accept the apology, knowing it’s the best I’ll get.

Me:It’s okay

It isn’t. But it’ll have to be.

Chapter Twenty-Nine

CALEB

Dad isn’t eating.Barely sleeping. Not even talking much, which is especially concerning. This is the same man who could befriend anybody he passed on the street. I watched him have conversations with anybody he came across—bag boys, door greeters, customers at the store, even the sour old woman down the street who hates everybody.

That man no longer exists.

I don’t know the one who took his place.

Last week, he called me Jake.

We don’t know who that is.

He didn’t recognize Mom last night.

I heard her crying in her room.

The nurses say it’s almost time.

Almost time.As if we’re getting close to a big event. Like some sort of fucked-up deadline.

“Cal!” I hear called out from behind me as I walk through campus like a zombie. I’m on no sleep and failed melatonin. I’m terrified that I won’t wake up if Mom calls me about Dad, so I choose exhaustion. It’s not ideal for the remaining weeks of the term, but it is what it is.

I turn, noticing a skinny kid wearing a Lindon football jersey jogging toward me. He’s one of the newbies on the team—a sophomore who started training with us last spring to prep for the new season.

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