Page 75 of Lose You to Find Me

“Shit, sorry,” Matt tells me. “I didn’t think about how that sounded.”

“Don’t worry about it.” I push my chair out and stand, downing every last drop of the coffee in the cup. “I need to get going if I’m to get everything done that I need to.”

Before I walk away, DJ says, “Hey. Remember what I said. If you need anything…”

“I appreciate it. I’ll let you know.”

As I’m leaving, Matt follows me out after telling DJ he’ll be right back. “Wait up, man.”

“I can’t talk about it right now,” I tell him, knowing I’ll break down in the middle of campus. I’d like to hold on to what little pride I have left.

He lifts his hands. “That’s fine. I won’t push you about what’s going on. I just want to tell you that I’m here too. We’re family, man. We’ve always had each other’s backs. So whatever you need to get through, we’ll be here.”

I glance over at him, feeling my jaw clench as I restrain from crying more. “You should head back in before DJ eats all your food.”

He presses his lips together and dips his chin once, knowing that I hear him loud and clear. Grabbing my shoulder, he squeezes it and backs toward the dining hall. “Just some advice, brother. Don’t hold anything back. The more you stop yourself from feeling what you need to, the more you’re going to drown. Don’t go down with the ship to save everybody else.”

I force another nod and walk away before he sees just how much those words hit.

Chapter Twenty-Six

RAINE

I’m sipping myespresso when Leon steps up to the table I secured and pulls out the chair across from me. “Haven’t seen bags that dark under somebody’s eyes since Jenna had colic,” he notes, slowly sinking down into the seat and letting out a long breath.

Setting the tiny cup down onto the saucer, I peek up at him through my lashes. “I had trouble sleeping last night.”

I was in so much pain when I curled into bed that not even Motrin and a heating pad could help the cramps and pressure building in my back. It was so bad I debated asking Mom to take me to the hospital. But then she’d ask me a million questions that I didn’t want to answer.

My neighbor grins. “Stay up late talking to someone?” His lips stretch wider, and a chuckle rises at whatever skeptical face I must be making. “Or maybe not. Sounds like it could be complicated based on that look in your eye.”

I’ve never been good at masking my emotions. “I wish I was up late talking to somebody,” I admit, forcing a smile. It would beat the alternative. “But no.”

“Anybody in particular?”

This time, I say nothing.

Leon doesn’t let me get away from the conversation that easily. “This have anything to do with the Anders boy?”

I toy with my coffee cup. “That obvious?”

“When you’ve been around as long as I have, you notice things. You two were attached at the hip, and now you’re not. Doesn’t take a rocket scientist to know you broke up.”

Trying to seem unfazed, I grab my notebook and pen out of my bag and set them on the table. “Do you think you can be friends with someone you love? Maybe not right away, but someday?”

“Don’t friends love one another?” Leon shoots back, reaching for the Styrofoam cup of tea I bought for him.

He has a point, but it doesn’t make me question what Caleb and I are any less. “My dad said it takes a long time to unlove somebody, and that makes me nervous that it’ll be like this forever. Even though there’s no chance of us being together anymore”—especially over how I severed ties with him, which Leon doesn’t need to know—“I can’t help but feel hurt. The thought of him not being in my life…”

It’s…tragic. More so than I want it to be.

“That’s quite the conundrum indeed,” he notes, leaning forward and swiping his hand along his jaw. “Let me ask you this. Is there a reason why you can’t love him anymore?”

I give it some thought, but the only answer I come up with is “We’re not together.”

“Neither are me and Annemarie,” he counters pointedly. “Doesn’t mean I’ve stopped loving her.”

There’s an obvious difference there that I blurt out before my filter can stop me. “But you can’t be.” I wince at the unfiltered truth. “Sorry. I mean that Caleb and I are still around each other here. We go to the same school. Have some of the same friends. Things are complicated between us now more than ever. We have no real choice but to be around each other for the foreseeable future.”

---