Page 69 of Lose You to Find Me

We had our tough moments like any couple, but nothing that ever broke us. Not in ways that I didn’t think we could recover from. I can’t help but wonder how true that is though.

Looking back, I see that the rose-colored glasses I wore were discoloring the flags I should have seen waving. Like the first time we’d had sex. My mom convinced Dad to close the store and take a trip for their anniversary, leaving me at home alone for the weekend.

I’d asked Raine to stay the night, hoping she knew what the sixteen-year-old version of me was really asking for. It made sense for us to take that next step together, to seal the love I knew we had for each other.

“Do you want to?” I ask, breaking the kiss she’d initiated on my childhood bed.

She blinks up at me, a wariness to her eyes I can only assume is fear.

When she doesn’t say anything, I start to move away from her and backtrack. “We don’t have to. We can wait.”

I see her swallow and wonder what’s going through her mind. She sits up and touches my hand, not saying a word.

So I say, “I don’t want to hurt you, but I want to share this with you. I’ve never…” She doesn’t need me to tell her that. We’re equals here. She gets it.

Wetting her lips, she weaves our fingers together and squeezes once. “I know you won’t hurt me.”

She never said it was her first time.

Never said it wasn’t.

She let me take her clothes off and kiss her and touch her like we’d done before. But when it came to the actual act, I’d felt how she locked up. How her breathing changed. I should have known it was more than nerves because I knew her better than that.

I wanted to tell her I loved her that night, but I didn’t. Something held me back. Uncertainty. Maybe that was another sign hinting at our demise all along.

As much as I hate to accept it, I asked for the truth that she’d been holding back all this time, and she gave it to me.

What better closure is there than finding out the woman I’ve loved for years cheated on me? Lied?It hasn’t always been you.Fuck me. I bet there were signs I ignored long before she told me she’d admitted what her worries were when I asked.

She didn’twonderif there were other people out there for her. She knew from experience.

With the ring in hand, I go to a local jeweler and set the box on the counter. “How much to buy that from me?”

The man behind the glass counter display takes it and inspects what’s inside, offering me a sad smile. “You probably won’t get back what you paid,” he says honestly, plucking out the ring and studying it closer.

The truth is I don’t care. “I just want it gone.”

I don’t think twice about the number he gives me. I simply accept it, take the money, and walk out with what little is left of my dignity intact.

Chapter Twenty-Four

RAINE

Fresh snow crunchesunder my boots as I follow the little pawprints in front of me that zigzag in every direction whenever something catches Sigmund’s eye.

“He’s walking better on the leash,” Mom says, raising the coffee to her lips. Things were tense for a while at home, especially because she chose to stick around more often after I called her out on it.

The first couple of days following our fight, we kept to ourselves, save the times we’d bump into each other whenever I’d bring Sigmund out for potty training and walks. Then one night, when I was watching my favorite late-night talk show in the living room, she sat down beside me, pulled a blanket over both of our laps, and said, “I just want you to be happy.”

It wasn’t an apology, but I knew it was as close as I’d get to one. So even though I wasn’t sure I entirely believed it, I accepted the olive branch, and we went about our lives. She never asked about that night with Caleb, and I never gave her any information.

What was the point?

I told him what he wanted to hear.

Some truth.

Notthetruth, but a part of it.

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