Page 68 of Lose You to Find Me

“Thenwhy?” I keep asking myself that question, but I’ve never had the balls to question her answer until now. What’s the worst that could happen by pressing her if I already lost her once? “You haven’t actually explored other options, and I know the truth has to be more than just being scared of repeating your parents’ mistakes. You’re smarter than that.”

She fidgets in her seat. “It isn’t about being smarter. Kids are impacted in a million different ways by their parents. You’ve always been lucky with the ones you have. Your mom and dad are amazing people who have never been afraid to show their love for you or each other. That’s never been my family. It’s complicated.”

Something bubbles up under my skin that itches to come out. “You know what’s complicated? My father living most of his life being physically active, never smoking, barely drinking, and eating fairly healthy ninety percent of the time andstillwinding up with a type of cancer that can’t be cured. I’d say that’s far from me being lucky, Raine. Complicated is trying to understand the unknown when we’ll never really understand it.This”—my finger darts between us—“is not complicated.Weare not complicated.”

“I—”

“Turning down my proposal was one thing. We could have figured something out that didn’t require you actually breaking up with me.Complicatedis trying to figure out how we ended up here after seven years together. Almost a decade, Raine. I wanted to marry you. We’d talked about that life together like you were actually going to be in it.”

When her jaw starts quivering, I know I’m pushing it. “That life seemed so far away, Caleb. I knew you were up to something at graduation and I just… I couldn’t.”

Swallowing, I lower my hands and tuck them into the pockets of my jeans. “I’ve been going through everything trying to figure out what the fuck happened to us. I thought I missed a sign. Maybe there was something off that I was ignoring. But we werehappy. So why? Why give it all up? That shit has been gnawing on me for months now even though I’ve been trying to push past it. To move on like I thought you wanted to do. But when you said you hadn’t been with anybody, I was second-guessing the reason you gave me even more. I still want to be in your life. I want to be your friend. Your partner. Your teammate. Hell, I want to be more. But I’m struggling to figure out if that’s going to get me even more hurt unless I know the truth.”

There were too many nights before things with Dad got really bad where I spent hours replaying every damn memory we shared, wondering what I did wrong. I couldn’t pinpoint anything that gave me relief. No closure. No answers. At my worst, I broke down in front of my mother and asked if she saw anything that I didn’t—suspected something I never did. Not even she could give me anything to make the grief go away.

All she did was wipe at my tears and tell me I needed to take things one day at a time.

So I did.

I used my friends to deal.

I used Emma.

Then shit with Dad went downhill fast, and it distracted me from my failed relationship in the worst way possible. I’d rather be miserable if it meant keeping Dad alive. What the hell does my happiness mean in comparison to his health?

There’s a moment of stretched silence before I realize Raine is giving me time to make sure I’m done before she finally speaks up. “I really am sorry, Caleb. So sorry about your dad, about…everything. There’s nothing I can do to make up for what I did at graduation.”

“You could tell me the truth.”

Her eyes close for a moment. “I told you the truth the day after you asked me to marry you. I said I was scared and confused and worried that there was more out there.”

“If that’s the truth,” I tell her, wrapping up what’s left of my burger, knowing I’ve got zero appetite for it, “then I’d hate to hear what your bullshit sounds like.”

Her eyes widen. I can feel her gaze follow me as I toss the leftover food back into the bag and stare out my window.

We don’t talk for a long time, and neither of us makes a move or sound.

It isn’t until we get to the stop sign at the end of the school’s driveway that I notice the shift in her body. Her fists are clenched together so tightly they’re white. As soon as they release, she turns to me and says, “It hasn’t always been you. I lost my virginity to somebody else and lied when we decided to take that step together.”

Everything inside me shatters at her cool tone.

Hope and all.

It hasn’t always been you.

Chapter Twenty-Three

CALEB

The next day,I go through one of the drawers in my bedroom and pull out the velvet ring box I’ve stored since graduation.

Maybe a part of me, deep down, thought I’d get a second chance with Raine.

Because it’s always been her.

I knew it from the beginning, even when everyone else said it would wear off. “It’s the honeymoon phase,” they would tell me.

There was never a point when I believed it’d stop feeling like she was my person. I could never explain to people the reason why. I just knew, and that feeling was one that’s had a death grip on me for the better part of the last ten years.

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