Page 59 of Lose You to Find Me

Matt’s shoulders lift nonchalantly. “And isn’t it sort of our jobs to fuck up once in a while? I mean, nobody is perfect. Our parents know we’re going to do stuff that they don’t approve of at least once in our lifetimes. I think how they react depends on what your relationship is with them. My dad isn’t exactly going to be high-fiving me if he ever finds out about Rachel, but he’s going to tell me to be careful, just like you and a few of the guys have, because he loves me.”

Does that mean he isn’t in it for the long haul with her? “You don’t plan on ever telling them about Rachel? Not even in the future?”

Out of our friend group, I was one of the few who always looked to the future. When we were all freshmen, I’d talked about life after graduation with Raine when everybody else was focusing on whatever party was coming up. Matt told me once I was going to scare her off by talking about marriage, babies, and the future so much, but I told him he was wrong.

I guess he wasn’t.

Matt grabs his pen and twists it, staring at his notes. “I don’t know. I don’t want to hide Rachel forever, but it’s not really up to me.”

“For what it’s worth, I hope you don’t have to hide her,” I tell him. “Nobody should have to hold any part of them back to save face.”

He nods. “Thanks, man.”

I feel my knee bounce under the table. “I’ve always tried doing what I knew was right my whole life. I’ve been training to take over Anders Hardware, I’ve studied my ass off to get good grades, and I’m doing my fucking best to make sure Mom is as okay as she can be while Dad is at the hospital. I spend more time at my parents’ house than at my apartment because I don’t want her to be alone. I’ve never been worried about disappointing my parents because I could handle whatever was tossed my way. But I haven’t been able to say the same for a while and chalked it up to being weak.”

“The last thing anybody would call you is weak, Caleb.”

Why doesn’t it feel that way then?

“Whether you want to believe it or not, there are people on your side no matter what you’re going through. If I were in your shoes, I’d probably be bawling my eyes out or drinking myself to death. There’d be no in-between. I’d say you’re doing a lot better than most people would. So don’t think you feeling twisted up about life makes you any less of a man. It doesn’t. I’m sure your dad would say the same thing.”

He would. “I just hate how much everything has changed. My life was going exactly how I wanted it to, and it did a one-eighty overnight in every way possible. Ever since Raine and I broke up, I haven’t felt settled. There’s something she isn’t telling me, Matt. I know it. The reason she gave me for ending things doesn’t make sense. I thought if I moved on or if I just tried something with somebody else…”

Well, that was obviously a shitty plan because it only dragged somebody innocent into my bullshit.

Shaking my head, I swipe a hand down my tired face. “I hurt somebody who didn’t deserve it by trying to get over the girl who did the same to me, and I know my parents don’t approve, which sucks. They’ve always been on my side with every choice I’ve made. But they want me to be alone to process things, and I…” I make a face. “I don’t know how to be.”

It’s never just been me. I’ve always had a strong support system. Great family, friends, and girlfriend. Why would I need to learn how to be on my own when I had everything I could ever want?

Matt watches me for a moment before nodding once. “You’ve always had a great relationship with your parents, and you guys have gone through a lot together. There’s nothing you’re going to do that makes them love you any less, even if they don’t approve of what you’re doing with this girl. I’m telling you, dude, you’re beating yourself up way too much about this. Everything will work out how it’s supposed to if you give it time. But if you need to talk to Raine to get things off your chest, do that. Follow your gut. Nobody but you knows what that’s telling you to do.”

He’s got a point. If I just knew whatever she was holding back, maybe I’d feel better. I could let go. Maybe it could be that easy. Closure. Who doesn’t want that? It’d give me a chance to focus on the other things in my life thatshouldtake precedence.

“Now,” he says, “enough of this fluffy shit. It’s not my thing. If you want a softy, find DJ. That man is a fucking marshmallow.”

Snorting out an amused laugh despite feeling anything but good right now, I shake my head and try getting back into my homework.

“Thanks for the advice,” I tell him. “Hey, maybe we could get the guys together sometime soon to do something. Watch one of the upcoming games.”

Matt snorts. “As long as it’s not a Penn game, I’m sure DJ would be down for that. Let us know your schedule.”

Blowing out a breath, I nod and think about how my schedule is going to change a lot, sooner rather than later.

Because of Dad.

Because of Raine.

Raine.

Closing my textbook, I shove it into my bag and push the chair back, knowing I won’t be getting anything done if I can’t stop thinking about her. “I’ve got to go talk to someone. I’ll see you later, man.”

He looks up in surprise, but those lips curl up at the corners as if they know exactly who I’m ditching him to talk to. “Good luck.”

*

When I wassixteen, I nearly pissed myself when I showed up at Raine’s house with a bag full of all her favorite candy and a card with a cheesy message inside asking her to the winter formal. I had to face her father who’d answered the door, and I knew his stance on dating.Bothher parents were against her seeing anybody, which made it twice as hard getting them to agree to me taking her anywhere. While we were already seeing each other in secret, I wanted to officially ask her to be my date for the dance that was second best to prom.

I was a little uncertain about asking her because she was acting strange after she got back from Virginia, but she told me she was fine and that nothing was wrong. When she started acting like herself again, or some similar version anyway, I figured it couldn’t hurt to shoot my shot. If I could win her parents over, I could win her over too.

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