Page 52 of Lose You to Find Me

She shakes her head. “Don’t.”

“Emma—”

She stops walking and looks at me. “I knew in my gut that starting anything with you was a mistake. I went against that feeling. That’s on me. Everything else is on you though. You shouldn’t have led me on or spewed all that bullshit. It was messed up, Caleb.”

I know she’s right, so I don’t bother refuting her. And I watch as she contemplates what more she wants to say before she gives up and walks away.

When I get up to Dad’s floor, I see him standing by the window, leaning heavily on the IV pole tight in his grasp. As soon as I walk in, he slowly turns and offers me a shaky smile even though he can see the scolding look on my face.

“You shouldn’t be out of bed on your own,” I start in on him, walking over and putting a hand on his back to help stabilize him as he turns around. “What if you fell and nobody was around to hear or help?”

He laughs, but it quickly turns into a dry cough that shakes his entire torso. I manage to guide him to the chair in the corner and help him sit down until he waves me off. “I’m fine, I’m fine. What are you doing here anyway? I wasn’t expecting you until later.”

I shift on my feet, still feeling the weight on my shoulders from the conversation I had only minutes ago downstairs. “It’s sort of complicated. I’m not sure…” Swallowing, I have no idea what to tell him. There’s a lot I need to process, and I haven’t had time to do that yet. “I fucked up big time,” I mumble, threading my fingers through my hair as I start pacing across the room from him. “I don’t know what the hell to do, Dad.”

“Why don’t you tell me about it,” Dad says, voice gentle.

I close my eyes for a moment, tipping my head back and then staring up at the ceiling. “I thought Raine was pregnant. And I thought…it wasn’t mine. She’s downstairs getting stitches in her hand. She’ll be okay though.”

Dad is quiet. “That’s a lot to take in. I’m glad to hear she’ll be okay.” Another pause. “I take it you two have seen each other since the breakup then? Heard you might have been seeing each other, but you didn’t bring it up. Especially since you’re seeing Emilia.”

My lips twitch. “It’s Emma,” I correct him. I don’t typically tell my parents about my whereabouts these days, but there’s no point in denying it. “She and I weren’t really dating. Not exclusively anyway. I know that doesn’t justify me seeing Raine though.”

He hums.

Rubbing the back of my neck, I say, “If shewerepregnant, it would have been mine. And that messed me up because I always wanted to be a dad. But if she were and it wasn’t my kid…I would have had to see her live out the dream I always pictured with her but without me in it. I got so fuckingangry.”

Dad nods in understanding, but I doubt he truly gets the irritation and guilt threatening to bubble over. “I have no doubt you’ll get that future someday. But if it’s not in the picture right now, then that’s for the best. You have more important things to focus on.”

I look at him, studying his glassy eyes as they watch me and his narrow frame that seems even smaller than it did a week ago. He’s deteriorating in front of my eyes, and there’s not a damn thing I can do about it. “How do you do it?”

“Do what?”

I look at him with wary eyes. “Be a father. Be a good man. How do you do that when there’s always something trying to hold you back or test you? Because I don’t know how to balance everything right now, Dad. It feels like…” How can I tell him I’m drowning? I’m being suffocated by the weight of all my responsibilities, yet I still would have added a baby to the mix if it came down to it.

Because it’d be with Raine.

Because it could have given me the future I saw for myself a long time ago.

He’s quiet for a moment before letting out a small sigh. “I don’t know.”

I look up at him in confusion. “You don’t know what?”

“I don’t know how I did it. Be a father. Be a good man. It’s just something you figure out along the way. I’m by no means perfect. No human ever is. Anger still gets to me. There are days, long before now, when I felt defeated. You think you fucked up now? Just wait. You’re going to keep screwing up, but you’ll learn from those mistakes and grow from them. But, son?”

All I do is stare, his image becoming blurry from panicked tears. Tears that I can’t find the energy to fight anymore.

“If there’s anybody who can make the most out of life no matter the obstacles,” he tells me, voice the same gentle tone that it is when he offers me sincere advice, “it’s you. The only thing somebody needs to know how to do is love, and you’ve always been full of that. At the end of the day, it’s how you express it, accept it, and distribute it despite all the challenges that makes a difference.”

I don’t know what it is about that statement that makes me break. But it doesn’t take long before I’m sitting on my father’s hospital bed crying while the man who raised me makes his way over slowly to comfort me despite his own battles. For once, I don’t feel bad about showing any weakness, because my father is here to help me through it. His belief in me eases some of the pressure that’d been sitting on my chest for far too long.

A man’s love. A father’s love.

If that’s the secret to being a good person, then I’ve had the best role model.

*

I know what’scoming when I see Emma approach me as I’m putting a lid on my coffee cup in the cafeteria a few hours later. I asked one of the nurses on staff if Emma was still working, but they didn’t seem interested in giving me any details. They’re loyal to their coworker, and I respect that. I asked if they could let her know I was looking for her, and I’m pretty sure one of them rolled her eyes.

---