Page 45 of Lose You to Find Me

We go back to silence, waiting until the windshield defogs before I drive her back to her parents’ place.

I put the truck into park at the front curb. “We should have at least used protection,” I murmur, not that it matters now. “I still want kids, but…”

She doesn’t need me to tell her why that’d be a bad idea for us now.

Raine takes a deep breath before turning to me in the borrowed sweatshirt. She reaches over and cups my cheek, brushing her thumb along it. “I know you do.”

My chest hurts as she drops her hand, opens the door, and slides out without another word. I watch in silence as she escapes into the house, shaking my head in disbelief.

Before I pull away, I get a text from Emma, drawing me back into the piss-poor reality I’ve created for myself.

Emma:Miss you xx

Chapter Seventeen

RAINE

The girls’ nightat Hulbert with Skylar and Olive, Skylar’s best friend, reminds me of what it’s like to be a normal twenty-three-year-old girl again—the kind with friends who can talk about anything from potential puppy names to the current hockey season and everything in between. And despite the girls being careful not to broach the topic of boys, it still leaves me thinking about the brown-eyed one who’s often in the forefront of my mind, especially after the night in his truck.

The first time I ever felt like I finally had some semblance of balance in my life was when Caleb and I were sixteen and sneaking around because my parents didn’t want me dating. I had a friendandboyfriend wrapped all in one person. Somebody I could enjoy myself with even in the most boring situations. Like when the hardware store was dead, and we’d find innocent ways to pass the time that’d leave us laughing so loudly people would come in just to see what was so funny. Or little study dates doing geometry or biology that would end in little brushes of the hands, knees, or feet because we were both too shy to actually make a move.

Well, until the night at the field.

He wasmyperson.

Nobody else’s.

It wasn’t until we were eighteen and both attending Lindon University that we realized nobody could stop us from being together. My parents always had something to say about it because they were worried I’d get distracted, but I knew myself better than that. And I knew Caleb would never stop me from achieving all my dreams.

We both wanted the best for each other.

That was why it felt empowering when those afternoon study dates at the pizzeria suddenly were being held at the campus library, and the house parties we’d sneak off to with almost-kisses in closets turned into campus bashes at one of the frat houses. There, a lot more liquid courage led to real kisses on the dance floor. But nothing could even begin to compare to our first kiss at Alden Field. We didn’t have to hold back or have moments alone in his truck. We could just be…us. Anywhere. Everywhere.

Because of that all-consuming feeling, I don’t regret hooking up with him again. If anything, it felt right. I wanted him, maybe even needed him in ways I didn’t want him to know.

The moment we touched in his truck, we were us again, even if for only a small fraction of time.

Before college, it was hard to feel like everybody else because I’d be stuck at home listening to my parents bicker nonstop about the tiniest things. I didn’t invite friends over because I was too embarrassed about Mom and Dad making a scene, and dating was a sore subject since the day I hit puberty, which meant not bothering to ask about boys because I knew what the answer would be. While everybody around me had a social circle that they’d have sleepovers with or go to birthday parties for, I was dreaming of the day I’d go off and carve my own life.

Caleb was always part of that because he’d always been there as my saving grace. He was the one consistent person I could depend on when I needed a break from my parents. He’d hold my hair back at parties when I decided to drink too much or carry me inside when I fell asleep during long drives. I barely missed a football game when he signed on to Lindon’s team and still spent summers working at the hardware store with him and his parents.

His family became mine.

A healthier one that I wasn’t used to.

But the problem with putting all your eggs in one basket is what happens after you drop them all.

I still love Caleb.

I love his heart.

I love his family.

I love everything he’s ever done for me.

That’s why I said no, so that I could give him the world back.

I still want kids…

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