Page 16 of Lose You to Find Me

All I can think about while looking at the cute little cabin is the music that was blasting that night. Country, until somebody complained and switched it to hip-hop. There was a lot of loud laughter shared among friends as we drank. Flirty touches as someone passed a joint around the bonfire. I remember the instant Cody’s hand touched mine, I felt butterflies.

I know now that those were warning signals fluttering in my stomach—anxiety telling me he was trouble. To run far, far away from the temptation that led me to follow him inside.

You’d think being an A student means you’re smart enough to make the right choices, but clearly being book smart doesn’t translate well to anything else.

“You’re not her anymore,” I remind myself. Flattening my hand on my stomach, I feel a swarm of emotion that has my nostrils flaring.

I’ve made a lot of choices here that I can’t go back and change, so I can only move forward in life the best way I know how. If that means being the bad guy in somebody else’s story, at least they’ll get a happily ever after with someone else.

Giving one last look to the house, I turn on my heel and walk down the street to where Chris is staying with his parents. I’d asked if he wanted to take a walk with me, but he never got back. I knew he was avoiding me because he always returned texts within minutes.

I’m not sure he’ll answer the door when the first few knocks go unanswered, but then it cracks open and his familiar face appears. He stands there with arched brows as I rub my arm awkwardly.

“I want to apologize about the other night before I leave,” I tell him.

He leans against the doorjamb of his family’s rental house with his arms crossed. It’s obvious that he isn’t over me running from him because he usually invites me in by now. I’d get to pet his mom’s adorable Frenchie and maybe even get some snacks she made. Her chocolate chip cookies are some of the best I’ve ever had.

Nibbling on the inside of my cheek, I add, “I figured it was better to apologize face-to-face. I didn’t mean to embarrass you or anything at Howie’s. You took me by surprise is all. I didn’t think you were going to kiss me.”

The subtle scoff he gives me has my lips curling into a frown. “It shouldn’t have been that surprising. I’ve always had a crush on you, Raine. Everybody seemed to know but you. Even Caleb.”

Hearing that name makes my heart hurt, and I doubt it’s even true since he never said anything to me about it. “You and I are great friends. I wouldn’t want to ruin it. Plus, I was with Caleb for so long…”

“But you’re not now,” he points out, voice rattled with irritation. He stands straighter and looks down at me. “What? You’ve got a thing for guys with C names except me?”

I know he’s not referring to just Caleb. “I know you’re upset with me, but you’re not being fair right now.”

“Why? Because you don’t like bringing upCodyor what you did with him? I don’t get why you’d go after a stranger when you could have just opened your eyes and seen me.”

Why does he have to bring that up now? It’s been a long time since that summer. “Caleb and I had just started seeing each other. It wasn’t serious. Neither was what Cody and I did.”

Chris rolls his eyes, stepping back and grabbing the door. “Cheating is cheating no matter how you want to justify it. Like you said, Caleb is a good guy. I hardly doubt he deserved that unless you had some sort of agreement saying the summers are fair game. I wonder what he’s doing this summer. Orwho.”

My nostrils flare as anger boils under my skin from his insinuation. “This side of you isn’t flattering. You can be angry, but you have no right being a dick.”

The thought of Caleb with another girl makes me want to vomit, but I know it’s none of my business. I ended things so he could get the future he wants. If that can’t be with me, it’ll be with somebody more deserving.

Eventually, I’ll accept that.

Hopefully.

Having come here for one thing only, I start backing toward the walkway. “Like I said, I’m sorry for what happened. If I led you on, I didn’t mean to. I didn’t have any idea how you felt, Chris. And that summer with Cody is hardly an indication of who I am or who Caleb and I were as a couple. Everybody makes mistakes. We all have to live with them. You don’t need to make them any harder to remember than they already are.”

Nobody understands what that singular decision did to me—how it changed me. And because I’m determined to bury it, nobody ever will.

For a second, remorse weakens his terse expression. If he feels bad for what he said, he chooses not to address it. Instead, he says, “I’ll tell Mom you said bye.”

I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t hurt by his dismissal considering we’ve been friends for a long time. I guess I get it. Rejection never feels good, no matter who you’re getting it from.

“Raine?” Chris calls out, stopping me before I get into my car, which is parked by the curb of his parents’ house. When I turn, I see the person I know that he is under the masked anger. “Safe trip back.”

I smile at him, hoping he won’t be mad at me forever. “Keep in touch? I want to hear about how med school goes.”

He stands at the doorway for a few seconds in silence before nodding. “Yeah. Sure.”

The short reply hits me, and I have a feeling this is the last time I’ll hear from him about anything.

That’s what happens when you cross lines with friends. You can’t go back to fix it when it goes wrong.

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