Page 94 of Lose You to Find Me

Staring at Mom’s hand, I ask, “Why didn’t you tell me about Caleb’s dad? The whole town knew, and I felt like such a moron when I got back and hadn’t known he was sick.”

She’s told me her feelings about my relationship with the Anders family. Even though she never fully admitted it, I think she felt threatened by how close I was to Caleb’s mom. It didn’t mean I loved mine less, but I could see why it was hard to witness. Especially whenever I’d escape to their house for dinner or board games orFamily Feudnights by the television.

There’s a momentary pause before she finally sighs and releases my leg. “I didn’t tell you because you always want to fix things. And some things in life can’t be fixed no matter how hard you try.”

Just as I’m about to reply, I stop myself with the harsh realization that she’s right.

I’ve always tried fixing people. I tried fixing Caleb’s pain that day at the hardware store, and look where it got us. Nowhere.

“Make no mistake, Raine,” Mom tells me, eyes firmly planted on my face. “I have never disliked Caleb or his family. I know he’s a good person, just as his family are good people. I’ve only wanted you to live your life before settling down with him, or with anybody for that matter. The thought of you being distracted from all the goals you set out to achieve concerned me.”

I have no idea what to say, so I stay quiet.

“You are going to accomplish so many wonderful things because you’re strong-willed. I shouldn’t have kept anything from you because it wasn’t my place. I’m sorry.”

Understanding has my head bobbing slowly, even if I wish she’d said something. But what’s done is done.

“Thank you for telling me.”

She stands up and gives me a hug, right as the curtain opens and two people appear: one of the anesthesiologists who I’ve already filled paperwork out for and the man transporting me to the operating room.

It’s him who asks “Are you ready?”

Mom releases me and takes my hand, squeezing it. “You’ll be okay. I’ll be right here when you wake up.”

Swallowing down the anxiety blocking my airway, I force out a shaky nod to the people waiting for me. “Ready.”

And two and a half hours later, surrounded by my doctor and mother watching me sip my apple juice as I fully come to, I listen to the words coming from my doctor’s mouth.

“…doesn’t necessarily mean it’s impossible since you haven’t actively been trying. But the damage is significant, so it could be very, very difficult for you. Not to mention the health problems you could have in the process.”

There’s a sliver of optimism in her delivery, but we both know it’s slim at best.

“I’m sorry, Raine,” Dr. Ryder tells me softly. “I wish I had better news for you.”

I barely register my mother’s hand on me.

Or the way I stare at the doctor.

I can’t feel anything but numbness and the cool reality blanketing my overheated body.

Not impossible.

I should be grateful for that.

Miracles have happened before.

But I refuse to expect too much.

How many broken hearts can a person survive before there’s nothing left to shatter?

Chapter Thirty-Three

CALEB

Bea’s is busierthan I expect it to be when I walk in, so it takes a little longer to get to the counter where Elena and Bea are working around each other to grab drinks and food for people.

“Your usual?” Bea asks, already reaching for a Styrofoam cup. “I don’t have your favorite in stock right now, but I have fresh blueberry muffins that I know your parents love.”

---