Page 83 of Lose You to Find Me

He didn’t ask what the doctor said, but I know he wanted to. It was in his eyes as he scoped me out, studied me from my frizzy bedhead down to my socked feet that he was too frazzled to grab shoes for.

Caleb worried for me.

Because he loves me.

And I love him, which is why I didn’t offer the explanation.

Hate me, Caleb, that voice in my head pleads, hoping he’ll somehow hear it.

He won’t.

He never does.

I jump when a hand taps my arm. “Raine? You okay?” Skylar asks after I space out on her.

Refocusing, I offer her a smile. “Yeah, sorry. It’s been a long night. What were we talking about? The project. Right. I have some stuff from my mom that I’m using from our conversations about my dad and their marriage, not that she knows. It’ll help counterbalance the things Leon has said about his wife. Show the full circle of what relationships can be like since they’re all different.”

Skylar stares at me, slowly nodding. I know I’m giving her the runaround on what we were talking about, but I need the out.

I reach down and pet Sigmund. “Good boy,” I coo, taking the empty cup from Skylar and setting it on our table outside Bea’s.

Eventually, she speaks up again. “Can I ask you something? It’s personal. You don’t have to answer or anything if you don’t want to.”

Nerves prickle the back of my neck, but I nod anyway.

“Did you really cheat on Caleb?”

Her question is asked quietly, almost as if she’s uncertain if she truly wants an answer. And I’d be lying if I said it surprised me to hear. I know how this works by now. Caleb probably told DJ about the boy I was with, and DJ told the girl in front of me. It’s a natural progression in a relationship. It’s healthy when people tell each other everything.

Swallowing the lump in my throat, I wiggle on my seat and fuss over the dog who’s grown so much since I got him. “It’s complicated,” I tell her, not knowing how much I’m willing to divulge.

Will she go off on me like Caleb did? Tell me that I’m making it more complicated than I need to?

“I don’t believe it,” she says. “Not that it really matters what I think. Cheating just doesn’t seem like something you’d do. ButtellingCaleb that you did would definitely be something you’d do to get him to let go.”

Am I that predictable?

Not to Caleb apparently.

Then again, it’s easier to let emotion get in the way of everything else. Skylar is removed from it all. An outsider looking in without the rose-colored glasses.

“Skylar…” I sigh, gripping the leash in my hand a little tighter. What can I do other than give her the same speech I gave Caleb? A partial truth to combat all the white lies. “I was with somebody other than Caleb a long time ago. And it’s something that I need to live with for the rest of my life.”

She frowns. “Raine, it’s not like you murdered somebody. If you were with a different guy, it’s not the end of the world. I just thought you and Caleb were always together.”

I stare at her, wondering if I should come clean. Will my conscience ease? Will the weight on my chest lift, even if it’s only a little bit?

In my short time to decide, I make my choice and nod once. “It depends on who you ask. Caleb and I weren’t even officially dating until we left for college because my parents didn’t approve of me seeing anybody in high school. We dated, but…” I lift a shoulder. “If you want to be technical, we didn’t really have the whole exclusivity talk. We were just…together.”

Does that make what I did with Cody right? Probably not. But I was young and dumb. I made a mistake simply because a boy was paying attention to me, and I soaked it in.

“I was sixteen when I met Cody during summer vacation. It was one time, and I’ve never seen him again. But…” When I feel my throat constrict, I decide not to dive into the details. “Well, that’s it. I lost my virginity to some random boy and never spoke of it again. A lot happened after that, things that make it so much harder. I didn’t tell Caleb until now because I told myself he didn’t need to know. Told myself it didn’t matter.”

I knew better.

It mattered.

It did then.

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