Page 41 of Lose You to Find Me

She stares at her food, an absent look on her face. “Like I said, I don’t like to focus on things like that. Sometimes we need to let go of our expectations because that’s the only way to accept what our actual reality is.”

I know it isn’t my fault that she feels like she can’t travel or buy her own boutique, but there’s still a sadness that weighs me down hearing her say that. Her choices may have been what led her here, but there is always more than one piece to a puzzle to get the full image. I’m a factor in that.

Is that why I hurt Caleb and myself? Because I couldn’t fully accept my reality? Or was it because I accepted it too quickly?

I suppose the endgame is all the same.

Mom sets down her partially eaten burger and points a fry at me. “I know you still think about him,” she says. “It’s all over your face. Take it from me, sweetie. Letting go of what’s in your past is what helps you build a future. There’s nobody to weigh you down that way.”

Nostrils twitching, I manage a feeble nod even though I don’t want to believe her. I want to tell her about Cody. About the night I woke up in a pool of my own blood. What would she do if she knew I drove myself to Planned Parenthood because I was too afraid to ask her to take me? Would she have scolded me for being irresponsible or comforted me? I wish I knew what the answer was, but I never know which way my mother might lean in the moment.

I know she’s not totally wrong, but that doesn’t mean I’m ready to release all the pent-up feelings—the sadness, the anger, the pity, thelove—that I still feel for Caleb Anders.

That night, when I’m lying in bed and listening to the steady rain smack against the tin roof, I get a text that only feeds the rebellious feeling that goes against my mother.

Caleb:I can’t sleep

I stare at the three words and wonder if more are coming. Had he meant to send that to me or to somebody else? A girl? Maybe one of his friends?

Eventually, I thumb out a reply.

Me:Me either

Caleb:The sky is calling you…

Swallowing at the words his father used to tell me, I watch as those three bubbles dance along the bottom of the screen as he keeps typing.

In my heart, I know what the next sentence will be.

Caleb:Are you going to answer it?

I sit up and look at the time on my phone. It’s late, and I’d be dumb to go anywhere tonight, especially to see Caleb.

But I know when I throw the blankets off, examine my outfit, and glance over at my closest pair of shoes that I’ve made up my mind.

So I send another message to the boy who knows me better than anybody else in hopes he’ll pull through.

Me:Meet me at our spot

If he doesn’t come, maybe it’s a sign that Mom is right. I’ll need to let go. But if he’s there…

I don’t know what that means.

But it means something.

Chapter Sixteen

CALEB

Our spot happensto be the edge of Alden Field on the outskirts of Lindon where they set up flea markets and fireworks displays in the summer, Octoberfest in the fall, and sled races in the winter after the first big snowfall. It’s a well-known area, especially to local teens who like to sneak off to smoke weed, set up bonfires near the woods, drink, and hook up.

Raine and I used to come here when we wanted privacy to look up at the stars or watch the storms that would whip through the area. And sure, we’d had our fair share of make-out sessions in the cab of my truck. Once the first move was made, it was hardnotto make more.

Our first kiss was in this field, weeks after our first date at Birdseye Diner where we each got the chicken tenders basket from the kids’ menu and an extra order of fries. Long gone was the version of me who could barely string together a sentence asking her out coherently, because Raine made everything so…easy.

That’s always been part of her personality. There was comfort in any conversation I had with her back then. When did that stop? I’ve been racking my brain trying to come up with an answer, and I draw a blank every time. There were moments in the beginning of our relationship that were rocky because of how new it was, but by the time we went to college, I thought we were stable.

Caleb and Raine against the world.

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