Page 40 of Lose You to Find Me

Mr. Applebee glances off in the distance, gripping the top of the fence post. “When you get to be my age, loneliness is the least of your problems.”

A heaviness weighs down my lips. “What if you didn’t have to be lonely?”

His bushy white brows arch up.

“I’ve got a project for school I could use some help with,” I tell him. “It’d be me bugging you with questions about relationships. I’d love to hear about yours with your wife. You two were always smiling no matter what you were doing.”

A small smile appears on his face. “That was my Annemarie. She was the happiest soul put on this earth. Didn’t matter what we were going through, she always had a positive outlook on life. She had a lot of goals she didn’t get to accomplish. No doubt she would have changed the world if she’d had more time.”

It makes my stomach fuzzy to hear the love in his voice while talking about her. “What do you say, then? Would you be interested in helping me? We can meet up somewhere. Maybe Bea’s Bakery. Have you been? I work there, and we’ve got really good pastries and coffee. It’d be a peaceful place to work on the assignment.”

My neighbor scrubs his jaw. “I don’t know. I don’t get out much…”

I perk up. “Which means this is the perfect opportunity for you to. Look, this assignment is worth a lot of my grade, and I still need two people to talk to for it. This will be perfect for both of us. And I’d really love to hear more about Annemarie.”

He takes one more deep breath and dips his chin. “Fine. But I can’t missWheel of Fortune. Haven’t missed an episode yet and won’t until the day I die.”

I’ll give him one thing: he’s loyal.

I stand straighter and stick my hand out toward him. “That sounds like a fair deal, Mr. Applebee.”

He stares at my hand for a second before shaking on it. “If we’re doing this, you should probably call me Leon.”

*

A white bagthat smells like grease and fries is placed in front of me, making my eyes go up to my mother. “I know I said we’d try cooking something for dinner tonight, but it turns out you need actual groceries to do that,” she says.

My lips twitch as I open the fast-food bag and peek inside. “Please tell me the chicken nuggets are for me?”

Mom rolls her eyes as she goes over to the sink and starts washing her hands. “Well, I don’t eat them. That was always you and your father’s thing. You two used to fight over which sauce was the best.”

I grin, remembering all the petty arguments we’d get into. Mom would threaten to take away all our sauces if we didn’t behave, and I’d laugh because I thought she was joking. But one time she actually did, and then she and Dad got into a fight about how he never acts his age and that he needs to grow up. The moment was spoiled after that.

“I always thought the barbecue was better until I tried them with ranch,” I say, brushing off the thought.

Mom dries her hands and helps me distribute the food. “I don’t understand why you’re so obsessed with chicken. Especially nuggets and tenders. It’s like you’re reverting back to your childhood.”

There are worse things I can be addicted to, so I’d say my love for all things chicken isn’t all that horrible. “Have you heard from Dad lately? I know you saw him the other day.”

Mom has Aunt Tiffany to talk to, but I want her to know I’m here too.

She sighs and steals a fry from one of the containers. “I spoke to him on the phone the other day. Be grateful you got out of a relationship, Raine. You’re far too young to settle down anyway. You’ve got your whole life ahead of you. Plenty of time to make dumb decisions that won’t cost you a lifetime.”

My eye twitches at the passive-aggressive answer, and I wonder if she hears how hurtful it is. I’d hardly say her settling with Dad ruined her life unless she considers motherhood to be that strenuous. Some people could only wish for that kind of life. “Caleb and I are…” What are we? We’re not friends, but we’re not enemies. “I still have so much respect for him, Mom. Let’s not disrupt that.”

She unwraps her burger. “All I’m saying is that you did the right thing choosing yourself. It’s far less drama, and you can focus on all the things you want to do with your life.”

And she couldn’t? “What would you have done if you didn’t get pregnant with me?”

Her eyes lift to mine. “I don’t think about that because it didn’t happen. Best not to focus on what could have been.”

There’s no doubt in my mind that my mother loves me. Maybe she would have preferred having me a little later in life or having a child with somebody else, but she doesn’t resent or regret having me. Still, hearing her dismiss her future simply because I exist doesn’t sit well with me. It’s not what I would want if I were in her shoes.

“You could still do something now,” I tell her, picking at my nuggets. “I’m in college, Dad is doing his own thing. You’ve got all the time in the world to do whatever it is you wanted to before having me. So what is it?”

For a moment, she looks contemplative. I’m not sure she’s going to answer when she sits down beside me and picks up her food. “I’ve always wanted to travel, especially overseas. Get inspiration from fashion in Paris or Milan. I thought about opening my own boutique or thrift shop too, using my own designs and gathering vintage items. Something that showcased all the unique pieces you can’t find in any other store around here.”

There’s a small smile on her face as she thinks about it, which makes me smile too. “I didn’t know that. I could picture you in France.”

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