Page 3 of Lose You to Find Me

Her gray eyes go behind her to the nurse’s station, where a few girls around our age are standing and watching us. They start whispering, causing Emma to turn back to me, looking a little nervous. She lifts her shoulders nonchalantly, but I can tell I must have hurt her feelings for not texting her. “It’s okay, Caleb.”

I bend down and press a kiss against one cheek, watching both of them color subtly like they always do. “We both know it’s not.” She’s too nice for her own good sometimes. It makes me feel like a giant dick when I have to back out on our plans. “Thank you for sneaking snacks in for Dad. He’s always been picky about food, but it’s so much worse now that his options are limited to what the hospital serves. Mom and I think he’s losing weight faster than he should be.”

She shifts on her feet, crossing her arms over her chest and tucking her hands into her armpits. “It could be his body’s way of fighting. It takes a lot of energy to battle all the infected cells his body is producing. The medicine is only part of the healing process.”

It’s the same spiel I’m sure she’s given other families who have loved ones fighting for their lives. He’s doing his best considering how advanced things have gotten. We should be grateful he’s fighting at all.

Not wanting to think about it any longer, I ask, “Do you want to reschedule dinner?”

Once again, her eyes go behind her. This time, a finger goes up from her shift supervisor, gesturing for her to come over. “I don’t know, Caleb…”

I step toward her, lowering my voice. “I know why you’re hesitant, but I promise not to bail this time, and I won’t ask anything about Dad.”

There’s nothing that says she can’t date a patient’s family member as long as she’s not sharing important information that violates HIPAA. I checked into it before I even asked her out a few weeks ago.

Her eyes soften. “When you didn’t text me back last night, I thought that was a sign that we should reconsider this. You’ve got a lot going on right now between your dad, the store, school. And I’d understand if you’re not ready for anything right now after what happened with your last relationship.”

Emma knows I got out of a long-term relationship, but I never went into the details of how serious it was. Like how I’d planned on marrying Raine before being brutally rejected on one knee. I’d decided my pride could only take so many hits.

The fewer people who know, the better.

With a heavy sigh, I swipe at my tired eyes. “I really am sorry about not getting back to you. It didn’t have anything to do with you—us. Every time I started to reply, Mom needed something. It got so late that I ended up passing out. Things haven’t been going as smoothly as I’d hoped they would.”

I’ve been managing the best I can on my own for the past couple of months without dumping my issues onto anyone, no matter how much I’ve wanted to. The number of times I’ve nearly broken down, wondering how the fuck I got here, without the woman I still love, watching my father die, and trying to move on as if that could somehow help it hurt less, is too many to count.

I don’t want to unload that on the one girl who could be an escape from that part of my life.

So I stand a little taller. “I’d still like to take you out again. I can pick you up at seven tonight if that sounds good. You mentioned how badly you’ve been wanting a burger, and there’s this really good brewery over in Woodland that serves some of the best I’ve ever had.” When hesitation floods her eyes, I add, “I could honestly use a break from life. I’m looking forward to a date.”

It’s unfair of me to ask her for anything, but it feels good to be selfish when all I do is offer myself to everybody else.

Rubbing her arm, she lets out a tiny breath and smiles faintly. “Okay.” Moving back on her heels, she reaches out and brushes my hand. “I’m looking forward to it. I’ll see you later. Okay?Textme.”

I watch her walk off and find myself frowning at the emptiness still hollowing my chest even after the plans are made.

Idoneed a break. From summer classes. From the store. Fromthis. As horrible as it makes me sound, I need Emma to give me a distraction, even for an hour or two. I need to feel like there’s someone out there who can offer me even an ounce of the peace I’d once had.

She’ll never replace Raine, but she might replacesomethingthat’ll fill the hole Raine left behind after I begged her to tell me what was wrong.

“I’m confused,” Raine tells me, tears welling in her eyes as she paces around my old bedroom at the football house. “It’s always been us, Caleb. How isn’t that terrifying to you? What if there are things I can’t give you someday? What if there’s something out there we don’t know about? Other people we could be missing out on?”

I stop her. “Where is this coming from? It’s always been us against the world. What could you possibly not give me that would make you question if we’re good enough to make it? I love you. Isn’t that enough?”

Her lips quiver as she swipes at her cheeks and shakes her head. “I don’t know if love can be enough this time. Not forever.”

Those words still hurt like hell.

She was worried there was something else out there—somethingbetter. It was a punch to the gut to think she was looking for somebody who could be everything I wasn’t. Since when was love not enough? When wasInot enough for her?

“I can’t do this.”That’s what she told me when she walked toward the bedroom door that day, avoiding my touch.“I’m sorry, Caleb. I can’t do this.”

It was the world’s biggest non-breakup. She didn’t tell me it was over, didn’t tell me she was through. Didn’t tell me she didn’t love me. In between the lines, and evidently the tears, was the truth.

She was over it. Over me. Over us. Because she didn’t think our love was enough for us to last.

“Caleb?” Mom calls out, breaking my train of thought. Her voice is too cheery for something bad to have happened, so I force myself to walk back into the room, where I catch my father’s eyes.

In that frail, all-knowing voice, he says, “She’s a nice girl, son.”

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