Page 26 of Lose You to Find Me

I whistle softly. “Damn, that’s tough. Do you need anything? Food? Coffee?” I look into Dad’s room to see if he’s still sleeping. When I turn back to her, I ask, “Do you have time to get coffee down at the cafeteria? I know it’s not the best, but…”

Before she can answer, one of the other women working calls out to her about a patient in a different room.

Emma frowns. “I want to, but I can’t. I just wanted to check in with you. How are you doing?”

I slowly shake my head, sliding my hands into the pockets of my blue jeans and feeling like a total jackass. This girl is running on no sleep and still checking in on me despite how little of my time I’ve been able to give her. “I’m okay for right now. Fall semester has been a balancing act that I’m starting to think isn’t worth it, but…” I let my words fade before limply lifting my shoulders. I haven’t really admitted that to anyone, but pressure eases from my chest once I say it aloud.

She reaches out and brushes her fingers along my arm in comfort, letting me breathe a little easier. “I’m around if you ever want to talk. You have my number. Even if this doesn’t go anywhere serious, I don’t see why we can’t be friends.”

I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t tempted to use her number a lot more than I have. Something always holds me back from following through. Or rather someone. “I know, and I appreciate it.”

“Anyway, I’ve got to go,” she says, starting to back away. Flashing me a smile, she gestures toward my dad’s room. “Tell him I’ll be back later with something better than the cafeteria meat loaf. Nobody should be subjected to that.”

I snicker and wave her off, heading back into the hospital room that I’ve become a little too familiar with. Dad is still snoozing, his soft snores drowned out by the machines he’s attached to. I sit there for a while, staring at his paper-thin skin and sunken facial features, before pulling out my phone and thumbing through a few unanswered messages.

DJ:Good to see you today man

Matt:The guys said we should make this a weekly thing

Mom:How’s he doing?

As much as I’d love to see my friends more often, I know I can’t promise them anything. If I let on how bad Dad is, I know they’d understand. But I can’t bring myself to be honest with them about the reality of the situation because that means coming to terms with it myself.

My father is dying.

More and more every day.

And there’s no stopping it or slowing it down, which means the only thing we can do is watch as the cancer kills him.

Swallowing, I thumb out two text messages one after the other, to two separate women who have my mind in a constant state of confusion.

Me:If you ever want to take me up on that coffee, you know where to find me

Me:I’m lost too

Sitting back, I swipe a palm down my scruffy jaw that I haven’t had time to shave before feeling my phone buzz with a response from the second message I sent.

Raine:Should we talk about that night?

Staring at the text, I let out a frustrated sigh and put my phone back into my pocket. What did she expect when she told me she felt more lost now than when we were together? Had I suffocated her that much? Made her that uncomfortable somehow?

Maybe DJ isn’t too far off about being addicted to her. Should she and I talk about the hookup? Probably. Do I want to tell her that we shouldn’t have had sex? That I partially regret it? No. It’d hurt her feelings, and there’s no point in that when there’s enough damage between us already.

In a hoarse voice Dad asks, “Girl trouble?”

Despite myself, I can’t help but laugh at the first words out of his mouth as he slowly wakes up and turns to look at me where I’m occupying my normal seat.

I admit, “You could say that.”

He says those three damn words that I’m going to miss hearing from him. “Talk to me.”

Fighting back the emotion rising up my throat, I do just that, knowing I’m on borrowed time to get sage advice from the man I’ve always looked up to and aspired to be like.

Squeezing my eyes closed to fight back the sudden onslaught of emotion, I murmur, “I don’t know what to do, Dad. Raine apologized for what happened. And no matter how much I wish I didn’t, I still love her.”

“So what’s the problem?”

I take a deep breath. “I don’t know if I can ever trust her not to break my heart again if I let her back in.”

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