Page 104 of Lose You to Find Me

“I’m in,” I tell them, giving them a watery smile at the release of emotion suddenly crashing through the barrier I’ve kept it behind.

Long after I’ve said my goodbyes to them and they’ve left, I feel a warmth take over the emptiness of my body. It lights up the part of my chest that has been anything but for a while now, and I wonder if it’s the one thing I’ve been missing out on.

Hope.

As if the universe knows how badly I need it, another spark of contentment travels through me when I walk up to my house after work and see something sitting on the front step.

A little stuffed polar bear holding a heart that says two words.Forgive me.

It reminds me of the others I have stashed in my bedroom closet.

I freeze when I hear “I’m still upset you didn’t trust me enough to be honest.”

Slowly standing with the bear tight in my hold, I turn to see Caleb with his hands tucked into his jacket pockets.

Throat thickening as I swallow, I try to gather my thoughts and say something. The only thing I can muster is “I understand.”

Caleb’s eyes move to the ground before heaving out a sigh. “I don’t want to do this anymore, Raine.”

Those words are a kick to the gut, causing my fingers to clench around the bear. He’s officially ending it with me. In person. Right here.

I guess I can’t blame him. Isn’t this what I was trying to get him to do the whole time? Hate me? Move on from me?

Instead of giving me the final send-off, he says, “I can’t keep acting like this is over when we both know it’s not. I need you to be honest with me. Do you still love me? Because I never stopped loving you, no matter how damn hard I tried. It killed me. Every day. Every thought of you living a life without me. No matter what you said, I was still in it. And I need to know if you feel the same.”

Gaping at him, I loosen my hold on the bear and stand taller. “After everything that happened, you still love me?”

He doesn’t answer.

He’s waiting for mine.

Shakily, I nod. “I love you.”

His dark eyes glisten, as if he’s relieved by the response he wasn’t sure he’d get. “Okay. Good.” He nods, looking away for a second before taking a deep breath. “Good.”

My eyes go to the bear again. “Why on earth would I need to forgive you? It’s me who needs to earnyourforgiveness.”

Fingertips brushing over the stitched words that look handmade, I peek at him as he walks over to me and stops a few feet away. “I asked your mom to teach me how to sew. It’s not very good…” His eyes are on the bear. “But it’s legible. She fixed a couple of the letters for me so you could tell what it said.”

My mother taught him how to sew? “You did this for me?”

“I bought the bear,” he admits. “I didn’t have that much time on my hands to go all out. Just did the message. Pretty sure your mom wanted to wring my neck whenever I’d mess up. Remember the bears I used to get you?”

Of course I do. “I remember everything.”

My eyes go back down to the bear, wondering when Mom would have had time to teach him anything. I’m surprised she didn’t say anything about it either.

Caleb pulls me from the thought. “I was a jackass to you before. That’s why I want you to forgive me. It was a lot to take in, and I know I didn’t handle it well. I’m not going to lie, Raine. That shit is going to take a long time to get over. Because we could have avoided so much pain if you’d justtoldme what was going on. From the day you got back that summer all those years ago.”

I know that now—know that none of this was worth it. “I’m sorry.”

His head moves back and forth. “I don’t want your apology. I’m done with apologies. All I want is to fix it. Better it. No more lies from now on. We won’t make it if something like this happens again.”

He’s right. There’d be no trust, no foundation, if we came back to this place.

“I promise,” I whisper. “No more lies.”

Caleb closes the distance between us, cupping the back of my head and pulling me into his chest. I feel his lips against the top of my head and his shuddering breath release against my hair. He holds me tight, crushing the bear between us like he’s afraid to let go.

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