Page 40 of Saving the Halfback

Even now, as I sat here, all I could think about was Bailey. Why? Why now? Why was she only now letting me in? Opening up? Talking to me, reaching out to me? I was pissed off. What right did she have? Not only did I lose Bailey years ago, but also Ethan, and then Lachlan just stopped being there.

There were days I had begged Vince, my father, to take me on business trips with him. He’d offered boarding school, and now I realized I should’ve gone. The thing was, though, stupid, idiotic me thought if I stayed here, maybe I had a chance. Maybe Bailey would open up to me again. Maybe Ethan would listen to me and realize I never took the money over him. Maybe Lachlan would quit shutting me out. No matter what he had done, it couldn’t be worth losing our friendships over, could it?

Now I was fucking falling apart because the girl who held my heart was talking to me again. I couldn’t get over myself. I couldn’t get over the pain, and it was fucking petty, but some part of me enjoyed seeing her hurt from my rejection.

I hated myself for it, but years—years—of mentally begging for her to glance my way had passed. Of meeting her stare, only for her to quickly look away, as if merely gazing upon me disgusted her. How many times had she rejected me over the years? I had lost count.

When Hadley had latched on, had started being there for me, I’d decided it was time to move on and make new friends. Part of me knew it was my family name that attracted her, but I didn’t care. She was there for me. She was at every football game, every party. When the house was empty, she’d call a few friends over. The parties were the distraction I usually needed.

But when she and Derek started to hang out more, I felt nothing. I probably should have been jealous, angry. I probably should have roughed Derek up a little, but I couldn’t muster the interest. Seeing them together didn’t bother me, not like it did when Nolan hung off Bailey.

Touching the small of her back in the halls, pulling his arm around her, making her laugh—that fucking pissed me off. Lachlan was different. I knew she was safe with him. Was used to seeing her around him. But Nolan? Nolan had me seeing red.

I leaned forward slightly as I heard Derek say my name. Hadley looked around, not spotting me. “I have to be faithful,” she said, just loud enough for me to hear. “Our families would be so good together.” I sat back and shook my head. It wasn’t the first time I’d heard Hadley say that. In fact, her father had said the same in front of me, more than once.

I nearly scoffed. They had no idea.

Once I was eighteen, I would be out, and my father reminded me of it every day. I’d been fourteen when he’d given me the ultimatum. He’d learned Ethan was secretly spending nights here.Ditch the trailer trash, or your grandfather’s inheritance is gone.Ethan had heard it; he had no idea how much I was supposed to be getting, but we all knew it was a lot. Mygrandfather had loved me more than his own son. Ethan left without even listening to me.

I still remembered the utter disappointment on Vince’s face when I told him where to shove the money. He had called me an ungrateful brat, that I wouldn’t amount to anything. He didn’t matter to me, though. At the time, there’d only been three people who mattered. Who I would lay down my life for. That’s what killed me so much. I’d been ready to be stripped of my inherited wealth, my name, everything that was supposed to be me, for those three people. The moment I did…the moment I put the nail in my own coffin at the gullible age of fourteen…they were gone. They left me.

I got up off the balcony and walked back into my room, pausing at the floor-length mirror to stare at myself. “Piece of shit,” I whispered. Why? Why didn’t I just tell Ethan that I hadn’t taken the money?

What was the use, though? He wouldn’t have believed me; he always saw the worst in everything and everyone. And why should I tell him? Why couldn’t he see me, know me, and know I would have his back? I may not have been the one to bring him into the group, but Ethan was my brother through and through, and I would’ve died for him.

And Lachlan. What the hell was wrong with me? I should’ve called him out on his shit right away. I didn’t care that he went to juvie for some punk-ass assault charge. Lach was my brother too. I would’ve been there for him. If he had told me, I would’ve been right there, beating whoever the asshole was to the ground with him. Then I would have sat in the same goddamn cell as him, telling him I would do it all over again. Those days spent in the visitors’ room, watching everyone else see their family or friends and sitting alone, abandoned…that cut deep.

So, when Bailey came walking into the school this year, fucking magically changed—how? How could I believe her?She’d leave me, just like they did. Just like Vince, my father, did. Jesus fucking Christ, the only person reliable was the fucking house cleaner, and that was because she was paid to be around me.

So, yeah, I pretended. I held Hadley’s fucking hand, the one she probably jerked Derek off with, and I pretended whatever the hell she wanted. That we were high school sweethearts. That we were the fucking golden couple. Whatever it took to get through another day. Yes, I was a pathetic piece of shit because I would rather settle for someone who couldn’t care less about me than be alone.

Had Hadley really thought that I wouldn’t notice her eye fucking Derek? That I wouldn’t notice she only held my hand during public events or only kissed me to stake a claim? Did she not even care that I no longer fucked her?

I made my way down the steps, through the house, and to the side door that led to the pool house. Walking to the bar, I grabbed a beer, making sure to loudly open and close the pool house door as I went outside toward the hot tub. They sat farther apart than they had been, and Derek was covering his mouth.

I shook my head as I put the beer to my lips and took a long swing.

“Where’s mine?” Derek asked.

“In the fridge.” I slipped into the hot water as Derek stood up and left for the pool house. I tried my best to ignore them and allow the heat to relax my aching muscles from the day's practice. I stared at Hadley while she watched Derek with lust-filled eyes. “I don’t even know why I put up with him,” I said, just to get some sort of reaction from her.

At least she had the decency to blush when she realized she had been caught ogling. “He’s your best friend.”

Best friend? I wanted to laugh at that. Instead, I rolled my eyes and took a swig of beer. I hated the taste but liked thenumb feeling of getting drunk, especially when in such company. Neither of them knew what a best friend was.

“Derek is under a lot of pressure, go easy on him. You know what his parents are like,” she continued.

Iknew what his parents were like? His dad worked in a courthouse and, despite being present, was raising a delinquent asshole. So, yeah, Derek’s dad was hard on him, but at least he was there. “Hadley?” I wanted to tell her to leave, to get out of my face, but I couldn’t bring myself to finally fucking end it. Somehow, every time I tried, she ended up begging, and I fell for it, not wanting another person to be alone.

“Yes?” Hadley pushed. She moved over to me, pressing her body against mine, her hand on my chest. It did nothing for me. And then, suddenly, I wanted her to stay, wanted her touches to mean something. I wanted to feel something other than this ache in my chest spreading as emptiness consumed me. And more than anything, I wished she would fill it. She was my last hope.

I deflated at that last realization. Hadley was my last hope…and yet I felt hopeless whenever she was around. I pinched the bridge of my nose and took a deep breath.

“You look stressed,” Hadley purred in my ear. It just annoyed me more, hollowing me. “Is this about Farm Girl?”

I frowned, a flicker of…something taking space in my chest. “No, it’s not.” I pushed Hadley away gently. Derek returned with his beer, slipping back into the water.

“It totally is. It was a harmless joke,” she whined. I hated it when she whined. I found nothing cute about it; it only caused pressure to build behind my eyes.

---