Page 177 of Saving the Halfback

I remembered standing in the alleyway of the barn, Titan tied up, all ready to go, when he grabbed me by the hair, yanked down my pants, and forced himself into me. It was the first time. It was my first time. There was nothing special about it. It was painful and raw, and all the while, he told me how much my body wanted it because it responded to him. He told me I had to take it because I was his and this was what adults did.

No.

I pulled out my phone and dialed Ethan’s number. “What’s wrong?” He answered on the first ring.

“He’s at the abandoned property, the one across the creek. I think,” I added on. I didn’t want to pull them away in case it was just an old dog seeing a rabbit.

There was silence. “Where’s Nolan? We’re on the other side of the town, but—”

“You won’t make it in time,” I whispered.

“Bailey, you are NOT to go there,” Chase yelled. “Where the fuck is Nolan?”

“It took a minute.” I hung up the phone.

I ran out of the barn, Titan keeping pace, not even stopping as I reached up and threw myself up onto the saddle. And then Titan took off. Fearless Titan understood the assignment.

The truth was, it took a minute. It took a minute here and there for Ed to speak sweet nothings into my ear. It took a minute for him to tell me how amazing I was, and how brilliant I was, and how mature I was for my age.

It was a lie.

Me believing that I needed him to tell me those things? A lie. Those things were inside of me, whether he said them or not. I didn’t need him, I needed myself, and I was so sorry.

Behind me, I heard Nolan shouting, and I hoped he forgave me as Titan tore up the ground like a power-hungry racehorse.

I looked in the mirror of my room every day, and I found myself lacking, and I was so sorry. I was sorry I ripped myself open for Ed to slip in and spread his poison, making me believe I needed him to feel those things when I didn’t. I lied to myself every day when I didn’t see how beautiful and brilliant and worthy I was without him. I lied to myself, and I fell for him, and I let him harm me.

All this time, it wasn’t Ed’s ghost I’d been seeing. It wasn’t Ed’s words I’d been hearing. It was me. All this time, I’d been staring at my own reflection and telling myself the words heleaked into my brain were true. Because if I said it, I could believe it, and if I could believe it, that means it’s real? Right?

Wrong. When all I was told were lies, when all I trusted was Ed and not myself, of course he hurt me.

I could see my amber eyes staring back at me the way they had at the beginning of the year. So full of hope and doubt, sorrow and yearning. I was sorry I didn’t protect myself. I was sorry I didn’t listen to my heart when I said I was hurt. I was sorry I allowed the pain to spread through my veins for so long. But most of all…

I forgave myself.

I forgive myself because I didn’t know. I forgive myself for being a child. I forgive myself for being so innocent and pure that I put trust in the wrong person. I forgive myself for loving so deeply that I tried to love the wrong person.

I wasn’t seeking anything but connection. I didn’t know how to protect myself, because I didn’t know that, just because you're happy, doesn’t mean it’s right. That happiness shouldn’t involve parts of you dying, piece by piece.

Most of all…I forgive myself for lying to myself. For telling myself it didn’t hurt. For telling myself my pain was silly, unfounded. I forgive myself for not standing up for myself, because his actions were not my fault.The words others had spoken to me finally sank in… it wasn’t my fault.And for thinking it was for so long, I forgive myself.

I took a deep breath, bracing myself as the creek came into view. Titan was wild as he took the leap. I steadied my body, as if it hadn’t been years since I had done this last, and I let Titan take the lead for the jump before guiding him to the house where Pops was going mad barking.

No more. Ed would do this no more. I was no longer the naive little girl he took advantage of. Fear and doubt washed away, and that bud of rage within me grew, blooming furiouslyinto something dark and beautiful. I was a fucking huntress, scars and all, and any man like him would fall before me while I forced the last bit of life from their eyes.

My heart screamed a warrior cry when I saw them. Ed was holding on to Gracie by the back of her neck, dragging her around and backing up from Pops. I slowed Titan as we got close, Ed and Grace looking up at me.

Ed was sickly. His hair was shaved on one side, revealing a long line of staples along his head. His face was carved up with fresh scars, taking their time to heal.

Gracie was terrified. She had a cut on her cheek, blood dripping down. “Take my hand,” I told her.

I reached down at the same time she jumped up, trying to get away from Ed. She wrapped both hands around my arm as I guided Titan away. Ed pulled back on Gracie’s shirt. “You whore!” he yelled at me. I wasn’t letting go of Gracie, though, and I was so damn happy Coach never let me back out of the weight room, no matter how much I had complained.

I raised my arm, lifting Gracie’s feet off the ground, and gave Titan a light shove with my hips. Ed struggled, being dragged along, until he planted his feet, yanking Gracie just enough to latch on to my arm, then he was pulling me. “Heya!” He kicked Titan, and Titan took off, sending Gracie and me tumbling to the ground.

I was the first to jump up, and Gracie let out a desperate cry as she watched Titan run down the way we had come. Pops was still barking at Ed, the obvious threat. I pulled Gracie behind me.

“Look what you did to me.” His voice was savage, his eyes bulging with fury, but I knew that was because he was in pain. I didn’t miss the way he limped, the way he cradled one arm a little more closely to his body.

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