Page 166 of Saving the Halfback

“Over there, talking to Lachlan. I wore his number yesterday, but he said it would be more luck if I wore your number today.”

“Well, then, you need to complete the ensemble, because we need all the luck we can get.” I pulled off my letterman jacket and held it out to her.

“Really?” She took it, pulling it on. “So cool.” She hugged me again.

I laughed. “Are you hungry? Come eat with us.” Gracie was in her glory having breakfast with the cheerleaders. I kept some distance from the guys, not on purpose. It was clear Gracie was more the cheerleader kind of girl and definitely not going to join football, no matter how much her family loved it.

It wasn’t long before we had to clean up and get ready for a warm-up. I promised Grace I’d see her out there, and then we were off, back to the fields.

I was staringat my hands as chaos broke out around me. I couldn’t bring myself to get on the field. I couldn’t bring myself to look up at the players. I couldn’t bring myself to listen to Coach. I was choking, big time.

“I didn’t take you as a benchwarmer,” Chase said.

I looked up at him. “I keep getting in the way,” I admitted. “I know I’m good. I know I can play, but I’ve messed up every play we’ve done so far. What’s the point?”

Chase knelt before me. “The point is, the play isn’t done until the ref blows the whistle. The point is, the game isn’t over until the end of the fourth quarter. The point is, Bailey McCormick, for every play you’ve fucked up, you’ve made two or three that were flawless. You can’t expect to get it every time, but you can’t get it at all if you’re not out there.”

I took a deep breath and nodded. He was right. I couldn’t let the team down. “What if he’s watching me?” I asked.

“Is that what this is? You think he’s watching?” Chase stood up and held out his hand. “So, let him watch. Let him see you fucking conquer the field, Bails. Let him see how untouchable you’ve become. How strong you are. Let him be afraid. On the field, he’s a nobody. On the field, he doesn’t matter. He doesn’t exist.”

I took Chase’s hand and looked around. Nolan was getting his leg iced; he had been playing off and on, still injured but working through the pain. I had to do the same. “Just like the pitts?” I asked Chase.

He squeezed my hand. “Just like the pitts.”

On the field, I was untouchable. Ed couldn’t reach me, no matter how hard he might try. I was more focused than the day before. I ignored the cameras and felt the grass beneath my cleats. I was here to win. For Nolan. For Chase. For Ethan. For Lachlan. For the sport that brought us together when we had fallen apart. For the sport that gave us focus and purpose.

I became fierce, and I prayed he saw. I hoped he was scared.

62

Bailey

Sunday

Iwas in my bedroom, staring out my window and watching as my four boyfriends walked out of the barn and started talking to my dad. “I’m going to tell them,” I whispered. The need to whisper was odd. I was the only person in the house—no one could hear me—but I was talking to myself out loud.

We won the game, perhaps by the skin of our teeth, but we won it. The ride back to the school was a silent one. It may have seemed like I zoned out the whole way, but really, I was thinking. It was time to tell the hardest truth I held—the events of that day. I was done with the what-ifs being held over my head. Really, this could go one of two ways if Ed was now being released.

One: Ed reported me as being his attacker. Yes. It was me. There was no way around it—I beat him within an inch of his life.

I shut my eyes as tightly as I could as the images flashed before my mind, a big neon sign screaming what I had done. The atrocities I had committed. Could I plead my case? Self-defense was likely out the window. I wasn’t defending myself when he was already out cold on the ground. Plus, Lachlan had gone the self-defense route, and even though he’d been younger, he’d ended up in juvie. I’d been sixteen and legally allowed to makethe choice to be with Ed. I wasn’t ready, though. I shouldn’t have been allowed to be ready.

Two: Ed was coming for me. Whether for revenge or to force me into wifehood, I wasn’t sure. I was so uncertain, and that’s the way life with him would always be. Living with uncertainty. Uncertain if I was about to be beat to my death for my disobedience or, god forbid, forced to live the rest of my life with him as my husband. I wasn’t ready. I never had been.

“But you were.” It had been so long since I heard his voice that I’d assumed, since waking from his coma, his ghost had gone back to his body. But here Ed was now, standing in my room. I did my best to ignore him, staring out the window at the garden shed before me. “You wanted me.”

“I didn’t,” I insisted. Not in the way I wanted Lachlan’s touch.

“You begged for me.”

I shook my head. The only person I begged for was Chase, his lips, his touch.

“When I forced you before me your body was ready.”

“Ethan didn’t have to force me!” I whipped around, staring at the man who had caused so much pain. “I wasn’t ready for you, you stole a part of my soul.”

“I owned all of your soul!” He gnashed his teeth, eyes flaring with pent-up anger.

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