Page 96 of Spring Awakening

“Why?”

“Because he hurts the people I love.”

“Mali?”

Zach nods. “And Ma, and himself.”

“You’re allowed to be mad at him. You’re allowed not to like him. You’re allowed not to love him.”

“He needs people to love him. He needs people to care about him. He needs it the most.”

“That doesn’t mean it has to be you. You can forgive and forget.”

“I don’t know how to forgive him,” he says.

“Do you think he deserves to be forgiven?”

“He’s my brother.” Mali’s right. Devon has his face. Or he supposes he has Devon’s face. He’s not sure how he’s supposed to ignore that, but he has no desire to forgive him either.

“That’s not an answer.”

Zach chews on his cheek. “I don’t know.”

Theodore nods. “You didn’t say Devon hurts you, when you spoke about the people he hurts.”

Zach sighs. “I haven’t thought about it.”

“You don’t think about yourself?”

Zach frowns. “I do.”

“Tell me how.”

Zach thinks about it, but ultimately, he looks back at Theodore with a frown, and he smiles at his notepad. Back to being a prick.

“And the way you think you hurt Mali; do you think she should forgive you for that?”

“I don’t know.”

“I was watching the match earlier, and I heard Mali talking to her parents. Zach, I don’t think she thinks there is anything to forgive.”

Zach leans forwards, his elbows resting on his thighs. He used to be able to talk with his hands in his pockets; now he moves them around like a mime. He’ll blame Mali.

“I don’t know if I’m allowed to tell her how I feel about her. I don’t know if I have to wait until it’s all over. It’s my fault I have to leave.”

“Zach,” Theodore says, with a small smile. It’s pity smile, but Zach doesn’t mind. “You signed a contract you didn’t understand when you were thirteen. A child in the eyes of the law, and everyone who has half a mind. It was unfair andpredatory and not your fault. These are not consequences of your actions; they’re the consequences of the adults who let you down.”

Zach swallows. Teddy always says something so insightful that it takes him weeks to figure it out, and this is only the second time he’s seen him.

“Give yourself some grace. You’ve managed to get here, to a position where you’re happy and in love, and it sounds like you’ve got someone to truly care about you back. It’s not cruel to tell her how you feel. It would be cruel to tell her after she’d asked you not to, but she hasn’t, has she? Everything you’ve said in our previous session suggests she is waiting for you.”

Zach sits up. “So, you think I can tell her? Doctor’s orders?”

Theodore laughs. “I think it might set you free.”

CHAPTER THIRTY-ONE

It’s been five dayssince Mali found out Zach was leaving. Five days of small talk, lingering looks in the office, smiles across the hallway. She’s losing her fucking mind. It’s what he asked for, and she has to try and give it to him, but every second that she’s not with him seems like a monumental failure. She sits on the couch looking at places to rent in Scotland because she knows Zach hasn’t started. He’s still in his delusion, and she’s terrified.

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