Page 63 of Spring Awakening

“It wasn’t fun?”

Zach shrugs. He’s never told anyone any of this before. Everyone thinks being able to go home with people is the bestthing since sliced bread. Sex is fun most of the time, but he always felt used somehow.

“It was fine. Sometimes it was good, other times it was just kindaeh. I didn’t care enough to put in the effort. They only wanted to sleep with me because they knew I was a rugby player. I don’t know. No one ever wanted to sleep with me to get to know me. There was never breakfast dates or second times. It got tiring, I guess. Just sex is kinda dull.”

“What do you mean?”

He shrugs. “I’m just a guy that got into a somewhat lucky position, I guess, so I shouldn’t complain, but it was never more than penetrative sex. Quick sex. Neither of us were trying to make it good for anyone other than ourselves. I mean, I got them off—I’m not a savage—but it got dull.”

“Oh.” She frowns, then she shuffles in place. “So, like, and you can tell me to fuck off…”

“You can ask me anything.”

She swallows, her gaze slipping down his body, but he doesn’t think it’s on purpose. “Has no one given you head before? And, well, I guess… you don’t do that either?”

Zach tries is hardest, truly and honestly, not to think about Mali sucking him off or him eating her out. He truly does. He’s only about eight percent successful. He moves in his seat.

“Yeah,” he replies. “But not for a while. I got over wanting to please people I knew were using me, and they only wanted one thing, but I knew I had to do it anyway. It was just expected, you know? I didn’t get any pleasure from it. It was just easier to be quick and done.”

“You get no pleasure from going down on someone?” she asks, a frown on her face that suggested she gets pleasure from that. His stomach tightens. Maybe when she touches herself, she’s thinking about that. Before he can ask, she speaks again. “What do you mean it was expected?”

Zach shrugs. “I’ve always been a member of a team that can attract attention. I don’t know if it’s because I’m amazing—”

“True.”

“Shh.” He laughs, pushing his foot closer to her. “Or because I was too scared something would go wrong if I said no. But having someone on the team that’s always in the papers is good publicity, and I had no way to get there other than sex.”

Mali sits up, her face furious. She’s so pretty. “Does Frankie ask you to do that?”

Zach shakes his head. “Other teams. The Titans have been chill—the only media they care about is what you ask us to do. And I trust you, so I’d jump of a cliff if you asked me to.”

“I wouldn’t,” she replies, resting her hand on his foot. “Have you ever spoken to someone about it?”

He rolls his neck. “You’re the first person I’ve told. It’s not a big deal.”

“Honey,” she says, sitting up further. “I’m not trying to make this a bigger deal than you want, but it is a big deal. If you ever feel comfortable talking to a professional about it, you should. The team has a therapist. You could talk to them about anything.”

“You don’t want me to talk to you?”

“Of course I do,” she says, resting her hand against his shoulder. “I love talking to you about anything you’d ever wanna tell me. Just keep it in mind. You are more than your body and your face, as great as both those things are. You’re more than that.”

Zach smiles. “You have the hots for me.”

Mali blinks, frowning but but doesn't think it's because his joke didn't land. “Just think about it, okay? God, I feel kinda like I could fight a bear.”

Zach swallows as Mali’s face gets angrier. Is she mad at him? “Why?”

She looks over at him, and she looks so hurt. “Why was no one protecting you? I mean, who—who asks that? Who makes someone do that?”

“Mal, it’s okay.”

“Zach. Imagine I’d told you that.” He thinks about it. Mali telling him she had sex with people because she thought that’s what she had to do rather than because she wanted to.

“Oh.”

Mali kisses him on the shoulder. “I’m sorry.”

Zach shrugs again, then tucks her foot under his thigh. Everything that’s ever happened has led to this moment. That’s all that matters.

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