Page 104 of Burn It Down

I’m starting to get distracted and it causes some of the fight to go out of me.

“I’m just pissed this is happening. Hasn’t my family filled some quota for life’s bullshit already?”

“There’s no such thing,” he answers, still squeezing me with his thighs to make sure I stay put. “Why are you taking this anger out onme?”

I turn my head to the side. My view is the Corvette’s undercarriage. A sight I’m very familiar with. Jake grips my jaw and turns my face back to him. “Answer me, goddamnit!”

“Because saving my family ismyjob!” I yell, the truth finally spilling from my lips. “I’ve been busting my ass trying to make sure my dad can retire one day. To make sure Cassie can go to college or cosmetology school, or whatever the fuck she wants. I’ve tried to take the burden off of my dad for providing for two kids on his own. And westillended up here, pinching pennies, trying to save a business in the middle of a goddamn war zone. Then you come in, offer to repair the shop, buy my family out, give them the new start they want,andget them to eat fucking salmon…but money doesn’t solve everything, Jake.”

He huffs out a laugh, jumping back into the argument.

“You think I don’t know that? Yes, your family needs some financial help, but do you know what I need, Dylan? I need a fucking family, period. I need people who know the real me and love me just the same. I need people who laugh and cry together, who support one another without terms, conditions, and contracts. Your mom may be dead, but do you know why you’ve never met mine?”

His words catch me off guard, because no, I don’t. Jake doesn’t ever talk about his mom.

“Because she might aswellbe dead for as often as she’s sober. If she’s not guzzled a gallon of champagne by noon, she’ll make up for it with a handful of Xanax. She has access to billions of dollars, Dylan,billions.But she can’t stay sober long enough to enjoy it. So, trust me, I understand that money doesn’t solveeverything, but itcansolve some things. Like your dad’s desire to open a shop somewhere safe and Cassie’s desire to finally start exercising her independence. Youhaveto start letting go. And not just of your mom and the shop, but all the other bullshit that keeps you from being the version of yourself that you want to be. You have nothing to prove to me. You’re already good enough and it kills me that you don’t seem to believe me when I say it.”

Leaving me wide eyed and slack jawed, he pushes off my chest to rock back on his heels and stand up. The pain that lances through me when he begins to walk away from me hurts so badly I’m certain my heart is splintering in my chest.

“Jake,” I call, unsure of what I’m going to say, but knowing I need to say something…becauseJesus Christ.

“Forget it,” he calls without looking back.

I climb to my feet and am on him before he can open the passenger door. I spin him around and press my hips into him, slamminghimagainst the car this time. Cupping his face like he does to me, I talk directly against his lips.

“I’m sorry, Jake. I’m so fucking sorry.” I kiss him, but he doesn’t kiss me back. He just stands there and I fear I pushed too far, breaking him in a way that’s irreparable. Peppering kisses along his jaw, behind his ear, and down his neck, I just keep repeating, “Forgive me, please. I’m sorry.”

Reaching a new level of desperation, I grab his hands and put them on my waist. I take it as a good sign when he keeps them there instead of allowing them to fall back at his sides. I grind my hips into his, needing the physical contact even if this isn’t the best time or place for it.

My limp dick instantly perks up when a small whimper begrudgingly leaves his mouth.

Come on, Jake. Come back to me.

A few seconds later, his hands are pulling me tightly against him by my ass.Thank God.I groan my relief into his mouth which he finally opens for me.

Gripping the back of his neck with one hand, I wedge my other hand between his ass and the car to return the favor and increase the friction as I rut against him, rolling my hips. He grows harder against me and I know what I’m about to do.

I want to prove I’m in this with him in a way I haven’t been able to ever before, not just for him, but I need to prove it to myself. Iwantto prove it. I wanthim.But I have one more step to take and I think I’m finally ready with his words ringing in my ears.You have to start letting go of all the other bullshit that keeps you from being the version of yourself that you want to be.

I want to be Jake’s partner with equal give and take in all areas of our relationship.

Looking up and down the road, I see no signs of headlights or any other traffic, so I start working the button on his jeans and drop to my knees. Eye level with his zipper, my mouth is already watering even if my nerves are sweating through my pores.

“Dylan, you don’t—”

“Yes, I do. I want to. You were right. I need to let some things go.”

Like the physical building our shop is in. Like the thought that my mom will be left behind. Like my grandfather’s disappointment in me. Likemydisappointment in myself. Like the notion and belief that I’m somehowmoreof a man for always being on top or that others are somehowlessfor being brave enough to trust and explore with their partners.

The building is just a building.

My mom is gone

My abuelo was wrong.

I’ve done the best I can.

Top or bottom has nothing to do with my masculinity or who I am as a man.

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