Page 5 of Submit

“It’s lovely. A nice change from New Hampshire.” My answer’s short to divert the attention away from myself as I fold my arms across my chest to send a subtle sign. Hopefully I won’t be spending much time in his presence.

~

THE DAY AFTER DINNER with Marcel and Dania, Will and I visit an adorable little bistro that we’ve already visited twice and I find my go-to grocery store and the island is really starting to feel like a place I can put roots. Despite only having been here just over a week, I feel more comfortable here than I have anywhere else. My soul responds to the warm sun, the salt in the air, and the water. Oh, the water.

Finally, on Thursday, I’ve found what I think Will and I should do together.

“Will! I’ve got it!” I shout, running out to the back porch after getting home from some errands. He’s got his AirPods in so he can’t hear me until I plop right down in his lap, giggling.

“Well, hi to you too,” he teases as he peppers me with kisses, still giving me glimpses of the Willem I fell in love with.

“Will, let’s take kite surfing lessons!”

There is no doubt that between the two of us, I’mthe more athletic one and the bigger adrenaline junkie. I got my motorcycle license the same day I got my driver’s license, went skydiving on my eighteenth birthday, and skiing any slope that doesn’t have two black diamonds next to it is a waste of my time.

My parents’ death left me with a decent amount of money but only part of it came to me on my eighteenth birthday - when I aged out of the orphanage. Since I got a full ride to Stanford, including room and board, I used the money to fund my adventurous side. I may be a social introvert, but adrenaline was always a good companion.

Will on the other hand, prefers calmer activities that don’t require a high level of physical exertion or athletic skill. He’s a genius at the piano and can run a business report and a PowerPoint presentation like a champion. Although, I should give him more credit. He does surprise me every now and then and occasionally enjoys getting outside of his comfort zone - or at least tolerates it for my sake.

A lot of times, I still can’t wrap my head around the fact that we’re together. It often feels like we’re two puzzle pieces that don’tquitefit but we’ve jammed ourselves together anyway for the sake of the bigger picture. Only, I’m not sure what the bigger picture is anymore.

“Kite surfing, huh?” He eyes me skeptically. Right when I think he’s going to tell me to pick something different, his face lights up in a wide grin. “Sounds like fun.”

“Yeah?” I ask hopeful.

“Yeah,” he confirms, which makes me hug his neck and kiss him so deeply I know he feels it in his toes.

“I was afraid you were going to tell me no,” I confess, pulling back.

“Truth be told, I was afraidyouwere going to tellmeno when I asked you to marry me.”

This makes my heart hurt. Mostly because I thought about telling him no. In fact, it still isn’t totally out of the question if things go south, but if things keep going even remotely close to what they’ve been like this week, I think we’re going to make it. Every couple goes through periods of burnout and complacency, right? I cup his face between my hands and truly look at him for the first time in a while. “I love you, Will. I’ll be honored to be your wife one day soon.”

He looks at me with a look in his eyes that I can’t quite place. Impatience, perhaps? His smile is tight, strained even, and his eyes are almost accusatory.

“Have you decided on a date?” he asks. There’s a bite to his voice and I’m not sure why. What’s the rush?

“With the move and the project getting started, I just feel a little overwhelmed,” I tell him. It’s not a lie but it isn’t the whole truth either. I want to let the dust settle first, make sure taking that step is really what we both want. “As soon as we find a rhythm and get more settled, I promise we’ll look at a calendar.”

I press my lips to his in a quick kiss, hop off his lap, and book two lessons for next Saturday before he can change his mind.

Later that night, I fall asleep with my head on Will’s chest, a smile on my face and a sinking feeling in my stomach. It seems I can’t get my head and heart on the same page.

Three

I SHOULD HAVE EXPECTED IT.

In fact, I should have known as soon as the voice in my head issued the warning. My internal dialogue is often chaotic, but usually right.

I should have known that as soon as the company gave Will the green light to start working, I would see him a fraction of what I saw him that first week. I’ve always admired Will’s desire to provide for us and I’ve certainly reaped the benefits, but to say it can be overdone is an understatement.

Instead of on-ramping slowly, Will was all-in Monday morning. When he finally made it home that evening, he poured himself a gin and tonic and headed straight for his home-office, continuing to work. We don’t even make it to Wednesday before I’m eating dinner by myself again.

I don’t bother saying anything though because I know as soon as I do, he’ll shut the conversation down arguing that we just got here and he really needs to launch this project and to do that, he needs to make connections, research the market reports, and so on. Apparently, the citizens of Aruba are aggressively against the building of the windmills saying they don’t want the massive structures to destroy the view of their gorgeous coastline.

The thought is immediate and powerful:who can blame them?

I’ve only been here a short while, but if I were a native of this area, I would side with them. It’s bad enough with the cruise ships arriving daily, making an absolute mess of downtown. Seeing my fiancé’s giant wind turbines dotted along the coast would certainly change the area…no matter how good it may be for the environment or the island overall.

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