Page 20 of Submit

“Oh, wow. Thanks!”

He winks at me conspiratorially as I head out of the hut and back down to the lagoon. There’s only one boarder and instructor out there and they are on the far side. I make sure to stay out of their way as I wade into the shallow water, sitting down with my beer and letting the memory of the ride fill me up.

Halfway through my beer I hear a stern voice behind me. “You’re getting burned.”

Casper.

I don’t even turn around. “Thanks,Mom.”

The man is hotter than hell, but I’m learning the hard way that you can’t save someone who doesn’t want to be saved and I don’t need lessons on the same topic given to me simultaneously by WillemandCasper.

“Look,” I hear him gruffly exhale, “I didn’t mean to be such an ass.”

“Yes, you did. You said it yourself, you don’t do friends. I respect that. If you ever decide that you want to work through the shit you clearly having going on, I’m a good listener. But my fiancé is proving that you can’t make a man talk when he doesn’t want to and I’m done begging.” I keep my back to him the entire time because his face and body do things to me…like erase my common sense and ability to string together coherent sentences.

My sharp words leave me satisfied. If nothing else, Casper is good practice for unleashing bold, assertive Libby. I like her better anyway and I wish I didn’t slip so easily back into the docile, meek role I’ve played for so long when I’m around Willem.

He takes a deep inhale. “Libby, I don’t ever want to hear about you begging yourfiancé,” he spits the word, “for anything. Understood?” His tone is rough, his voice is deep, and there’s an edge to it that I haven’t heard before.

I stand up out of the water and turn to face him, chugging the rest of my beer. “Sure.”Actually, not really.“Anything else?” I ask sarcastically sweet, unsure why he’s still out here.

He looks at war with himself but decides to say nothing else. I roll my eyes and shake my head as I towel off, put my cover up back on and head to the hut. I’m not interested in Casper’s mood swings on top of everything else.

When I check out with Jörn, I make my lesson for the following Saturday and Jörn tells me I’ll be with Casper again.

I left said kiteboarding instructor down by the water, but I lower my voice when I speak just in case he can hear like an owl. “He’s a really great teacher, but I was hoping maybe I could be paired with someone else next lesson? You know, I’m still new and I know everyone does it a little differently so I don’t want to get too comfortable with one style.”

We both know I’m lying but it’s only me that knows it’s because I’m undeniably attracted to Casper, rapidly falling in lust with the man despite his bad attitude. A man whose real name and identity I don’t even know. At least, I assume Casper isn’t his real name considering hissomething like thatcomment when we first met and I asked if it was in reference to the friendly ghost.

I’m beginning to crave these lessons and this time with him, hoping I’ll see him at the gym too. Perhaps he’s just a distraction from my declining relationship with Willem but when he holds my gaze, I somehow know it’s more than that. Which is dangerous because he’s been clear about his lack of desire for any relationship while at the same time, I’m gaining clarity about my own desire for a healthy, committed,foreverrelationship.

Jörn just shakes his head. “I’ve been instructed to only place you with Casper. As a matter of fact, I’ve been instructed to displace those already scheduled with him if it conflicts with the time you want,” he says as he looks at me a little starstruck. “I don’t know what you did or said to him, but he’s never done this before.”

At that moment, Casper comes in the back door of the hut scaring us both. “You talk too fucking much. Just schedule the damn appointment and let her go.”

Jörn and I both raise our brows at each other in awhat the hell was thatkind of way as we watch Casper pull his stuff out of a locker and walk out the front door without another word.

~

WILL COMES HOME IN a whirlwind of excitement as I’m putting dinner in the oven. “Lib! We finally made some progress today!”

Oh, thank God.“Will, that’s great! What happened?”

Truth be told, I’m getting tired of hearing about the daily grind with the situation at work but Will has nothing else to talk about and if I want to have any conversation at all, it has to be about this.

Slowly, I’ve arrived at the conclusion that moving forward with the wedding isn’t what I want. I don’t have the heart to make such an announcement right now though. Not while he’s in the middle of all of this. Plus, I have nowhere else to go and I think his company still has my passport for my visa paperwork, which should be coming back any day now.

I’m not delusional enough to think that Casper and I have a future, nor would I make this choice based on another man. I’ve just come to realize that if I can be so distracted, distraught, and consumed by a man other than my fiancé, then I probably don’t love my fiancé like I should and therefore a wedding is out of the question. Regardless of who I do or don’t end up with, I now know Will and I aren’t for each other.

He proceeds to tell me that the governor has invited us, as well as Marcel and Dania, to his house for a meeting to discuss building timelines. He wants to push the project forward but he also wants to be reelected. Hoping to buy some time and work out a deal that satisfies both parties, he made the dinner invitation for a “private” meeting.

Sounds a little shady,but I bury that thought.

“We’ve been getting the run around from his secretary fordays. He’s already cancelled one meeting with us. This will be a whole evening to present my ideas and compromises to push this thing forward. We will have his undivided attention!” This is the most excited I’ve seen him since the company announced that Will was to head this project up in the first place.

“That’s great, Will!” I know my answer sounds forced. Mostly because it is. After hearing Elke’s concerns and having that echoed by Johanna, I’m no longer in favor of the wind farm. If it creates strife among the residents and doesn’t lessen their daily burdens by much, is it really worth all of this?

Willem would say yes.

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