Page 12 of Submit

“Willem! Wat leuk je te zien!” she gushes. I know it’s Dutch and I recognize Will’s name but that’s all. I’m still trying to learn basic words and numbers.

Will can’t help himself and he rakes his eyes over her. I’ve never really been the jealous type and even now, I feel more anger than jealousy since he couldn’t spare me a second glance, but I quickly get myself in check.

Pot meet kettle since you’re wearing a dress based on another man’s eye color.

“English, please, Laura,” he requests silkily to the girl at our table, “My fiancée doesn’t speak Dutch.” That’s a point in his column even if the delivery was a little passive aggressive.

She throws a pitying look over her shoulder at me. “Sorry.”

Obviously, she isn’t.

Will introduces us. Apparently, Laura works on his team and issooooo excited that Willem is herein Aruba.

Her high-pitched voice grates on my already frayed nerves. “Well, I just wanted to say hi. Always nice to run into you.” She’s being a little blatant by reaching out and placing her hand on Will’s forearm and I have to hold back a laugh. If she was looking to get a rise out of me, she’d be just as shocked as I am to know it’s not working. I feel nothing possessive lurking beneath my surface. Odd, since I was ready to crawl out of my own skin at the thought of Casper being with other women. Something is seriously wrong with me. “See you at Marcel’s next week?” She’s turned her attention fully back on Will after our brief introduction.

Will holds her gaze longer than necessary before answering, “Yes.”

“Uitstekend! Afscheid.” She looks back at me. “Oops! I mean, goodbye!”

Laura’s interaction with Will didn’t anger me in the slightest but I have to take a couple of breaths to get my breathing under control before Will and I talk about why we’re going back to Marcel’s next week. As I work on slowing my heart rate, our waitress returns to take our order.

Will tries to order for me which sometimes I find romantic but tonight it pisses me off.

“Actually, I’ll have the grilled whitefish with broccoli, please.” I snap the menu closed and hand it back to her, mentally fist-bumping myself for finding assertive Libby again.

Welcome back, Bitch.

My internal dialogue is really upping its game these days.

When the waitress disappears, Will is fidgeting with his napkin. Good, he knows I’m pissed although he probably thinks it’s because of Laura. “Will,whyfor the love of God do we have to go back to your boss’ house next week? Hasn’t the man ever heard of office hours?”

He looks both guilty and relieved when I bypass discussing our table visitor and go straight for Marcel.

Interesting.

“Wearen’t going to Marcel’s next week.Iam. We’re having a team meeting to try and find a solution on how to rewrite the project proposal so that it will be accepted.”

“Another night away from home? Will you be home before ten?” I ask, unable to conceal the panic in my voice.

Will and I may be actively drifting apart and perhaps soon we’ll even be in separate bedrooms, but at least he’d be in the house with me. I’ve never slept alone and although I enjoy being by myself, I sleep better with someone else close by. I had a lot of trouble sleeping after my parents died which is pretty normal, but it was always worse if I was ever in a room by myself. Thankfully, at the orphanage, I shared a room with three other girls. It wasn’t always the same girls throughout the years, but there were always three roommates. Then I went to college and shared a dorm room with another girl but could always hear the low hum of constant voices or music from other students. After that, Will and I moved in together pretty quickly and we haven’t spent a night apart since because heknowsnights can be hard for me, especially if I’m alone.

“Lib, you know we’ve all been working around the clock. We’re so close. We can’t let this opportunity escape.” He surveys the anxiety that I know is written all over my face. “I’ll be home as early as I can.”

There was a time when he wouldn’t have gone at all and would have called in via Zoom or other platform to join the group. My heart sinks, knowing this is just another nail in the coffin.

I wish I had ordered something stronger to drink. All around us, vacationing couples are happily chatting and looking lovingly into each other’s eyes like there’s no where they would rather be than sharing the table with their current companion. Meanwhile, I’m pretty sure I’ve never looked at anyone like that, let alone the man I’m engaged to.

As my eyes float around the room, I think to myself, perhaps something inside of meisbroken. Maybe I’m the cliché I’ve feared becoming my whole life. It’s not the first time that thought has crossed my mind. I thought I had more realistic expectations of a relationship than most, maybe I was only fooling myself all along because as I look around me, I have to finally admit, I want what these people have.

Iwantforever with someone.

I want a best friend and a partner who invests as much in me as I invest in them.

The realization slams into me that perhaps I’ve feared wanting that connection with someone because I’ve never had it and this is the first time I’ve admitted it to myself.

Suddenly I miss my parents with a force that feels like a punch to the gut. After they died, I ended up in a foster home but realized quickly that I’d rather be alone. I spent that brief period of time with three foster-siblings who had been put up for adoption but never adopted. I came to the conclusion that being willingly abandoned by the people who made you does something to a person no matter how hard you try not to let it bother you. Maybe I need to admit that beingunwillinglyabandoned does something to a person too. If you’re alone then no one can hurt you because they can’t leave you or be taken from you.

When Will showed interest in me, as this slightly older, successful business man who had his shit together, he convinced me with his actions that I should be grateful for the opportunity for stability and we’ve been on the fast track ever since.

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