Page 1 of Silent Desires

Chapter one

“If you don’t get your fat, worthless ass out here in the next five seconds, I swear to God, I will whip your hide so much you won’t be able to sit for a month!” I quickly rinse the toothpaste out of my mouth and rush out of the bathroom before my mother makes good on her promise. The moment she sees me, she grabs the front of my new white dress shirt and drags me to the front door, releasing me with so much force my shoulder slams into the wall.

“Those are yours.” She points to a pair of black Mary Janes as she puts her own pair of six-inch pumps on. I pick up the shoes and can’t stop myself from giving them a good look. They aren’t exactly pretty, but considering they’re the first pair of shoes I’ve had since I was six, I don’t really mind what they look like. I’m just glad to have them.

As soon as I start sliding my foot into them, I realize they are a good two sizes too large for me. I stand and try to walk, but my foot slips right out. I feel the sting from the slap on the back of my head before I even see her arm move.

“Stupid girl! You aren’t getting another pair, so stop trying to act like they won’t work. MAKE them work.”Or elseseems to go without saying as she clenches her jaw, staring at me in anger. You think I’d be used to her hatred by now, but I still feel every insult and every hit deep in mysoul. She’s my mother, she’s supposed to love me. Even if it is my fault she’s like this.

I follow her outside, shivering thanks to my new kilt and lack of tights or anything else to go underneath, doing more of a shuffle than actually lifting my feet. “Get in the back.” She points to the rear passenger door of her black honda accord. I think I’ve only been in this car a total of four times in the past few years. The move here, plus the three moves before it.

I get in and buckle my seatbelt as I think about our destination.

School.

Today has already been full of so many firsts and school will be the biggest one yet. When my mother came downstairs to see me last night and announced I would be starting school in-person the next day, I was beyond shocked. I had basically been locked in the basement since I was ten years old, outside of the occasional use of the bathroom to clean up.

I’m not sure how she’d got me accepted into college when I hadn’t even attended high school, but it’s not like I could question her. She had told me to be ready to leave at seven a.m. and handed me a set of clothes—a school uniform consisting of a white dress shirt two sizes too big, just like my new shoes, and a dark green tartan kilt that, thankfully, falls to two inches above my knees due to my short legs, keeping me modestly covered. She also gave me a tattered old backpack with nothing inside. I wondered if I would need anything else. I’d seen movies and tv shows when I was younger and remembered them having backpacks, but couldn’t remember what they actually put in them. Textbooks and binders seemed the most likely.

“Here, put this stuff in your bag.” She tosses over a plastic dollar store bag and I peek inside. Coloring books, pencil crayons and a sharpener.What are these for?

“Now listen to me closely. You need to keep your head down and your mouth shut, that shouldn’t be a problem for you,” she says with a snicker as she starts to drive. “This is the only time I will drive you, so I hope you’re paying attention to where we’re going so you can get home after school today. I’m giving you forty-five minutes to walk home, which is more than enough time. You won’t want to see what happens if you’re late.” She grinds out the last bit through clenched teeth.

My heart starts beating faster with the realization that I’ll have to find my way back home. I don’t even know the name of our street. I quickly start paying attention to street signs and try to force myself to remember the turns. The drive takes about fifteen minutes, which feels like it will be a really long way to walk.

But as we pull into the parking lot, the walk home is no longer my biggest concern. In large letters across the front of the building readsMcAdams High School. I stare at the building in confusion.Why are we at a high school?The building looks similar to high schools I used to see on tv. Not huge, not small, completely average. There are a few teenagers hanging around their cars in the parking lot, but it’s mostly quiet.

My mother parks and turns to face me. “Eyes down. Don’t interact with people. Don’t draw attention to yourself and don’t be late home. Let’s go.” As she turns, I watch her features change from hateful to pleasant, like she’s slipped on a mask.

I drag my feet behind the clicking of her heels as we head into the building, wishing I had a voice to ask why she is enrolling me in a highschool when I’m twenty-one. I don’t have a high school diploma, so maybe I needed that before I could attend college.

She appears to be aware of our destination as she walks through the halls with full confidence. Meanwhile, I drag my feet behind her, stumbling over my too large shoes and trying to keep myself from being noticed. Luckily, the halls are quiet.

Eventually, we end up in what appears to be the main office. An older lady, who appears to be the receptionist, sits behind a desk with a short hallway off to the side that appears to lead to a few offices.

“Good morning, how can I help you?” she asks cheerfully.

Keeping my head down, I wait for my mother to reply. “I’m Helen Davies, I called yesterday about enrolling my daughter, Mina, she’s to start today.”Helen Davies?Why is she using a fake name?

“Mrs. Davies, yes, it’s nice to meet you! And you must be Mina, welcome to McAdams High.” She’s speaking to me, but my mother’s voice is ringing in my ears, reminding me to keep my eyes down. I fidget with the straps on my backpack silently.

My mother sighs. “I’m so sorry. Like I mentioned yesterday, she doesn’t like interacting with people.”

“No, no, don’t apologize. It’s quite alright, let me see if Mr. Hargrove is ready for you,” the woman responds and I watch her out of the corner of my eye as she stands and heads to the second door down the hall. She knocks, then a moment later, she opens it, pokes her head in, and has a few whispered words with the person inside. When she pulls her head back out, she motions for us to join her.

I follow my mother into the office, making sure to keep staring at my feet and not make eye contact with anyone. The door shuts behind me and the sudden noise makes me jump.

“Good morning ladies. Welcome to McAdams High, Mina,” a deep accented voice says from somewhere in the room. His voice reminds me of a British show I watched years ago. Does that mean this man is from England? I really,reallywant to look up and identify who that voice belongs to, but with my mother’s eyes on me, I know better.I have the scars to prove it.

Without lifting my head, I manage to take a quick peek at the room. There’s a large desk, which the man must be standing behind, and two chairs in front of it. My mother takes a seat in one of the two chairs, but I don’t dare move until instructed to do so. Besides, my mother would never allow me to sit on the same level as her. We are not equal. She constantly reminds me of that, telling me I’m trash and unworthy of her love. She is my superior and I know I need to listen to her or face the consequences.

“Please excuse her bad manners, Mr. Hargrove, like I said, she has a bit of an attitude problem.”

What attitude problem?

“I’m sure she’ll be fine, Mrs. Davies. I have her schedule all ready right here.” The sound of shuffling paper reaches my ears.

“Oh, Mr. Hargrove, I thought we spoke about this yesterday. She really doesn’t need all these classes. She’ll be lost in all of them, anyway, since she can’t read or write.” My mother seems uneasy about what he has shown her, but I’m still reeling over what she just told him. Does she really believe I’m illiterate? I haven’t been allowed to attend school since grade one, so she might really believe what she’s saying, and I wasn’t about to correct her. It could be to my advantage if I understand more than she realizes.

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