Page 4 of Silent Desires

I glance at the one wall of the room that has windows looking into the library. The blinds are currently pulled closed, so I stand and move over to them to peek out. There’s still nobody out there. Maybe I could find a good book to read?

My mother doesn’t think I can read, since she’d never taught me and I’d never been to school before. But I started reading long before she started locking me up. I never get my hands on books anymore, though. It’s clear I have a lot of catching up to do with other people my age, and I can’t help but hope that now I’m in high school, I have a chance to do so. But I hadn’t expected my mother to tell them I’m an idiot who can only color and do nothing else. What a waste.

But she isn’t here, and nobody else is either… I slowly open the door, and when I’ve double checked that nobody is in sight, I head towards the book stacks. I slowly stroll down the first aisle, reading the different subjects. I want to grab every book I see, but I decide to check what there is before choosing.

I stop in the math section. Wasn’t I supposed to be in a math class this morning? Staring at the books, I’m amazed by the variety. I had no idea there were so many different types of math. There were dozens of different books here. I decide to start at the top, assuming they must be in order. Algebra.

I take it back to my private room and shut the door. Forty-five minutes later, I’ve finished the book. Algebra was… cool! I jump up, peek out, then quickly grab the next two books, Advanced Functions and Calculus.The next book I read takes me an hour to finish, which is when I start to hear voices in the library. It must be lunch time now. I don’t want to get caught and get in trouble, so I hide the math books under my coloring books and start coloring a llama. That’s when I heard a soft knock at the door, making my heart leap into my throat.

The door slowly opens and Mr. Hargrove pokes his head in. When he sees me, his shoulders drop in what looks like relief as he smiles. He steps inside and closes the door behind him, closing us in together. I think I should be nervous about that, like I was in his office, but I am surprisingly at ease with his presence now. He doesn’t scare me like other people do.

“Hi Mina, are you doing okay in here?” I nod. “Brilliant. Is there anything you need?” His British accent sends goosebumps down my spine.

Do I need anything?Yes, keep talking to me. I carefully swallow the lump in my throat and shake my head.

“Would you like to read something from the library?” he asks calmly. I know my mother told him I can’t read, so I wonder why he would ask me that. Was this a test?Oh no, was he reporting all my actions to my mother? Was she going to know I was making eye contact all day?

My eyes start darting around as my breathing picks up.This was so bad.It was clear I couldn’t trust anybody, why was I so stupid? She’s right, I’m a worthless idiot. Tears start forming in my eyes and suddenly he’s kneeling before me with his hands on mine.

“Hey, now. It’s okay. Take a deep breath for me. Come on, now. You don’t have to read any books, forget I mentioned it. I just need you to breathe for me, okay? Look at me, Love. Look at me.” I finally glance up into his beautiful hazel eyes and watch as he takes a deep breath in. I copy him, and when he releases it, I follow. We kept breathing like this for a few minutes until my breathing settles.

As my body calms, I realize I’m squeezing his hands tightly. I try to let go, but he holds my hands firmly and tries to get me to refocus on him again. When I finally give in and look up, he stares back at me with so much intensity, it’s as if he can see all of my secrets. I’m not sure if I’m scared he can see them or scared he can’t. Both thoughts terrify me.

“Good girl.” His smile almost does me in. I want him to always smile at me like that. I give him a small smile back. Even that feels strange. Smiling was not something I was used to doing or seeing.

“Okay, I guess I’ll leave you to your books. Are you sure you don’t need anything?” he asks as his eyes study mine for a hint of truth. I shake my head again. He gives me a tight-lipped smile. “Okay, Love. The final bell is at three fifteen, but I will come get you around three sowe can get you outside before the swarm of students hits the halls. Sound good?” I nod and give him another smile. He smiles back and leaves, making me release a deep breath. I don’t think he’s aware of what I’ve really been doing in here all morning, so he has nothing to report back to my mother. That was if he is, in fact, reporting back to her on my actions.

I spend the rest of the day reading other math books. The more I read, the easier they seem to get. A lot of the principles are similar, I just have to memorize formulas, which is easy. I realize these must be the freshman subjects. I do all the practice questions at the end of each chapter and am pleased to find I’m grasping the subject well. I wonder how long it will take me to get all the way up to the senior ones?

When it gets close to three o’clock, I make sure all my math books are back on the shelves and my own stuff is packed away. True to his word, Mr. Hargrove enters at a minute to three, giving me a warm smile.

“Hi Mina, all ready to go then?” he asks when he sees me with my bag packed. I nod and stand up, shouldering my bag. He holds the door open for me and as I start to pass him, he places his hand on my lower back, making me jump in surprise. He quickly snatches his hand away.

I want to apologize. It’s not his fault I’m jumpy, but I can’t say a word, so I just keep walking and pretending it didn’t happen.

“How was your first day?” he asks, then seems to realize I can’t answer, so he continues talking. “I hope it was okay in the library. I felt bad leaving you there alone, but I guess that’s what you’re comfortable with? Maybe we can slowly get you used to being around other people? Do you want to spend the day in the library again tomorrow?”

I nod vigorously. There was no way I could go into a classroom tomorrow. The thought sends a fresh wave of panic through me, making me shiver. All those people staring at me… My breathing picks up just thinking about it, but this time I remember the deep breaths he showed me earlier and calm myself down before it gets out of control.

He looks down at me and smiles. As he turns his head back in the direction we’re walking, I’m almost positive I hear him whisper a barely audible, “good girl.”

I can’t stop my smile as I watch the ground as we walk towards the school exit. When we step outside, he asks, “I assume your mother made arrangements for you to get home?” I nod because she did. The arrangement is I have to walk. Luckily, I have an extra ten minutes since I got out a bit early.

“When you get here tomorrow you can come to my office or head straight to the library, I will come find you if I don’t see you and make sure you’re settled in, okay?” I nod at him, silently thanking him for something that would have caused me worry tomorrow. He says goodbye and I head across the parking lot at a fast pace, hoping I can remember the way home and actually get there in time.

Chapter three

Iopen the front door and hold my breath.Silence.I exhale slowly and gently close the door behind me before heading towards the basement, hoping I get lucky and get down there unnoticed.I’m not that lucky.

I jump back when I see my mother waiting in the kitchen for me, blocking the stairs.

“School ended an hour ago. Where were you?” I look at her as fear courses through my body. I don’t know how to answer, I basically jogged home, despite my ill-fitting shoes. Even without getting lost, it’s a really far walk for my short little legs.

“Did you think you could run away?” I quickly shake my head. “No... Were you whoring yourself out? Maybe to that guidance counselor, so he wouldn’t tell me what a fucking brat you’ve been today?”

She sounds insane. Things always go bad for me when she gets like this. I slowly take off my backpack and drop it to the ground, hoping I can make a faster escape without it. Not that it would do me any good, I know I can’t escape her.

I keep shaking my head at every accusation, hoping she’ll stop and come to her senses. She advances towards me slowly, and I back upwith shaky legs. That’s when someone’s arms go around me, locking me against a firm chest. Startled, I look up into Jeff’s disappointed glare.

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