Page 16 of Unexpecting

″Are you happy?” I blurted out as I played with the final two peppers on my plate. Instead of answering, J.B. took his empty plate to the sink. “J.B.?”

″About what? Being divorced?” he retorted with his back toward me.

″About everything.”

I watched as his shoulders rose. “I miss having someone to love,” he said so quietly I barely heard him.

″You—do?” My voice cracked at the word. “But you—you never want a relationship?”

″I haven’t met a woman I can trust,” he admitted, turning to face me. “I’m sure it’s because of the divorce, but I’m not into all that psychobabble. I don’t need to be fixed. All I want is to meet a nice girl and get to know her slowly. There’s always so much pressure, and it’s so much worse now that I’m older. They always want to talk about marriage and babies and a future. I just want to take my time. There’s no hurry, but women always think you’re distant and noncommittal when you want to take it slow, and there’s no point in explaining to them because they start jumping to conclusions…”

″I had no idea,” was the only thing I could say.

″Why would you? Sorry, Case, but you want the same thing as everyone else. Get married, have a baby… do you even want to take the time to get to know someone? I knew her like the back of my hand, and it still didn’t work out. I’m not going through that again. If I ever find someone to settle down with—if, a really big if—I need to make sure she’s the right one this time.” He turned back to the sink before I could respond.

″What about me?” I asked through a suddenly dry mouth. I had to ask. The memory of being with J.B. was strong—sitting across from him, having dinner, our first date. The first time he kissed me after he brought me home, and we laughed because we had the same address. When he showed up unexpectedly at the store one afternoon, bringing me a tiny, perfect cherry cheesecake because I had told him it was my favourite dessert.

″What about you?” he replied with some hesitation as he turned slowly to look at me. “I knew what you wanted before we even hooked up, so there was really no point. I didn’t want marriage and a baby right away, but I thought… anyway, it’s a moot point, isn’t it? You backed away quick enough when Coop said something.”

″What if I hadn’t? What if I—I don’t know. What if I had told him to go to hell?”

J.B. smiled then, but it didn’t reach his eyes. “He’s your best friend, same as me. You wouldn’t have told him that. Besides, Case, you wanted the same things as every other woman seems to and you weren’t willing to wait for some guy to catch up. You would have gotten sick of the pace in a few weeks. A month, tops, and then put the pressure on me to do something about it, which I wouldn’t have been ready to do. Never would have worked out.”

“Never worked out…” I trailed off, feeling dazed. Is that how J.B. sees me? Lumps me together with every other woman who’s marriage-crazy like Brit? How different am I from Brit after all? That’s all I was ever looking for—a good man to get me pregnant. I really didn’t care about any other factor, only that I got what I wanted.

″What does it matter?” J.B. asked. “It was a long time ago. Maybe it’s better this way. Meant to be.”

I couldn’t ask him if he really thought that. I was having a difficult time taking in the information I’d just received. I didn’t think I could take any more. To think I had backed off so easily because I was afraid of J.B. breaking my heart when all the time he had been thinking the exact same thing. What if…?

I really couldn’t go there tonight.

″So that’s why I like the ladies.” His voice brought me back to the kitchen. “There’s no harm in meeting people. It’s the only way I’ll find someone who might be right for me.”

″Someone who wants to take it slow. Not rush into anything.”

“Where there’s no pressure. Someone who doesn’t care how old she is, or that all her friends are married or having kids, and who can’t hear that damn biological clock all the time.” He took a step to where I was still sitting at the table and dropped a kiss on the top of my head. “And that’s not you, Case, as much as I wanted it to be.”

″Is that my problem?” I asked him after a long silence where I found my eyes filling with tears. J.B. had started loading the dishwasher. “Too much pressure?”

″For some. For others, it’s just because they’re assholes. You’re a great girl and you know what you want, and when a guy doesn’t want the same thing, he’s going to get the hell out of there.”

And that was the end of that discussion.

I told him good night and thanked him for dinner. I headed downstairs to my apartment. I decided to see what I could find out about artificial insemination. If a baby were the only thing that would make me happy, then this was my only option, and I’d better find out what I was in for. Unfortunately, I couldn’t seem to concentrate and ended up downloading a bunch of songs from iTunes and clearing out my inbox.

Maybe I do put too much pressure on myself and the men I meet, but I want a baby. And while I was thrown by what sounded like J.B. expressing feelings for me that I had no idea he had, I can’t dwell on that. J.B. Bergen and I would not have worked out, and there’s not going to be a second chance because both of us realize that.

I just have to take that big feeling of regret, stick it somewhere, and get on with things.

Chapter Eight

“The sight of other babies will undoubtedly bring about maternal urges in the expectant mother, along with excitement and possibly panic.”

A Young Woman’s Guide to the Joy of Impending Motherhood

Dr. Francine Pascal Reid (1941)

Brit was right aboutone thing: during the next few weeks, I was too busy to do more than think about having a baby.

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