Page 107 of Ruck Me

“Who said I need yourhelp?”

I rested my forearms on my thighs, my hands hanging loosely between my knees. Part of me wanted to rail against her, to tell her she had no fucking choice but another part of me, the larger part, was tired of fighting. I blew out a long, exhausted breath, the toll of the past month resting heavy on my shoulders.

“I know we have a lot to work through but let me be clear. I am going to be a father to my kid. I don’t want to fight you, but I will.” Our eyes locked and held, her face unreadable. When she didn’t acknowledge my statement, I asked, “Do I need to apply for joint guardianship?”

She blinked and looked away. Her voice a whisper, she said, “No. We can work it out betweenus.”

Then room fell silent again, and she refused to meet my gaze. When I didn’t think I could take it another second, I broke down and asked how she’d been. “You’re not toosick?”

Aoife’s eyes found mine, hard and unyielding. “Nothing I can’t manage.”

At a loss for words, I nodded. Now that I was here, nothing I’d planned to say felt right anymore. As I stared at the girl I’d wanted to be my wife—the woman I’d hoped would eventually give me blue-eyed babies—the fight went out of me. I was still angry, but seeing the fierce determination in her steely gaze, I couldn’t bring myself to hate her anymore. Maybe I never had, I thought as my heart thumped in acknowledgment.

But if I didn’t hate her anymore, where did that leave us? Without my rage to fuel me, what did I haveleft?

“Aoife,” I groaned, my voice coming out hoarse and broken.

Her eyes darted somewhere over my shoulder, and I watched as she tried to pull herself together. As she tried to pretend my being here didn't affect her. “Why are you hereEoin?”

I sat back in the small wooden chair, and it groaned under my weight. “I told you. I want to be a part of our baby’slife.”

“Why?”

My head cocked back in surprise. “What do you mean, ‘why?’ Because it’s my kid. Maybe I didn’t make that obvious when I said I’d go to the courts if needbe.”

Her head cocked to the side. “What changed yourmind?”

I blew out a long breath and ran an agitated hand through my hair. “I don’t know if there was any one thing, or if it was a culmination of everything. All I know is the second I found out you were pregnant, I wanted that kid more than anything I ever wanted before. I told you that already.”

I shifted uncomfortably in my seat. I’d known we’d have to discuss that conversation, but that didn’t mean I had to like it. I’d finally accepted I’d done us a disservice that night, storming out of her place without giving her the benefit of the doubt, without hearing her out. If I’d reigned in my temper and let her speak, we might not be where we were now. No, that wasn’t true. There was no might about it. We definitely wouldn’t be where we were now. Had I kept a steady head and listened when she’d tried to tell me she’d decided to keep it, we might even still be together. I’d have been angry over her deception, but I might have understood. I might have forgiven her. I might not have cared about all therest.

Might, might, might.

I had a lifetime of mights in front of menow.

We bothdid.

I sighed and dropped my head forward “I don’t know Fi,” I answered, looking back at her from lowered lashes. “Something inside of me broke when I thought you’d gotten rid of it. I don’t know how to explain it, but in that split second, it felt like something had been ripped from me, and I could never get itback.”

She nodded and licked her lips. “Yeah, I know that feeling.”

“Why didn’t you tell me?” I asked, my voice breaking. “Why didn’t you trustme?”

Aoife’s eyes filled with tears and her chin trembled. Her chest was rising and falling with suppressed sobs as she looked away. “I thought I was doing the right thing. I wanted to spare you the worry. I was trying to be strong for both ofus.”

I closed my eyes and groaned. Aoife had lied to me out of a misplaced sense fo protection. It didn’t make what she’d done right, but it did make it somehow more understandable. She’d wanted to spare me by shouldering the burden on her own. And now she lived with the consequences of those actions. I might have staggered under the weight of my anger, but she stood tall and proud under the heaviness of responsibility she’d chosen to face on her own. An obligation I should have taken on aswell.

When my eyes opened, Aoife had lost the battle with her composure—weighty tears snaked their way down her face before dropping into herlap.

Rising from my chair, I eased a knee onto her mattress. Tentatively, moving slow as if she might flee, I scooted forward and wrapped her in my arms, rocked her back and forth and whispered all the things that were in my heart. “I don’t know if we’ll ever find our way back to each other, Fi—or if we somehow do, I know it’ll never be the same—but I’m not going to let you do this alone. I’m going to be right by your side through it all: when our baby says its first word, takes its first step, goes to school, graduates from university, gets married and has his or her own babies. All its firsts, I’m going to be there. You and me, together.” I dropped a kiss on the top of her head as her sobs died away. “You’re going to be a fantastic mother, and I’m going to be a good father, and we’re going to love this kid with all our hearts.”

Unbidden, my hand hovered over her belly, hesitating. Reaching down, Aoife placed my palm on her swollen stomach, and an electric jolt shot through me. “Was that … ?” My question trailed off, my eyes filled withawe.

“A lot of people say you can’t feel the baby move until the end of the fourth month, but I’ve been noticing these little flutters for about a week now,” she explained, her warm palm resting against my knuckles while I felt another tiny jolt. “I went to the doctor yesterday just to make sure I didn't imagine it, and when she performed the ultrasound, he kickedme.”

I froze, my palm pressed to her belly. “Did you say ‘he’?”

Aoife sighed and gave a slight chuckle. “Lord save me from boys.” I could hear the smile in her voice, so different from the pain of just minutesago.

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