Page 81 of Trying Sophie

He turned a few shades of red and dragged his palms down his face. “Jesus Christ, Sophie.”

“What? Am I killing the mood?”

Why are you doing this?my conscience screamed. This isn’t like you. Stop it!

Why in the hell had I brought up his past? It’s not like he’d hidden who he was. I’d thought I was okay with it. That all those women meant nothing to me because they’d meant nothing to him. But I couldn’t seem to help myself. Jealousy had reared its ugly head and demanded to be heard.

Declan marched across the suite to stare out the window. After a few tense moments he turned back to me, his eyes blazing. “I said no pressure and I meant it, but I think this was a bad idea. I can call you a cab or drive you home. Your choice.”

“Wait, no.” I took two steps toward him but stopped when he looked at me with contempt.

“I’m sorry. Really. That was rude of me. The only thing I can say in my defense is that when you asked if I was clean, all these angry, jealous, vile thoughts ran through my head and before I could stop myself, I lashed out.”

His anger had abated, but he looked at me now with weary eyes.

“Can we call it even?” I implored.

Bracing his hands on the window sill behind him, Declan crossed his feet at the ankles and studied me. A beat later, he shook his head and sighed. “I can’t change who I am Sophie. Who I was. But if my past bothers you that much, we shouldn’t do this.”

I dropped my eyes and stared at the floor. “I want you Declan. Really, I do, but I’m worried about being just be another notch on your bedpost.”

Pushing off the window, he crossed the room in three purposeful strides. Wrapping his large hands around my arms, he squeezed them gently. I raised my eyes to his.

“How can I make you see that’s not true?”

“I don’t know. Maybe you can’t.”

When I looked away, he groaned and loosened his grip. Trying a different tactic, he asked, “What are you most afraid of?”

Man up Sophie, I thought to myself. If you’re not brave enough to have The Talk, you’re not mature enough to have The Sex.

I couldn’t help how I felt and if we didn’t get this out in the open, it might always be between us. And despite this being a difficult conversation, it was more important to tell him how I felt than to keep it bottled up inside and resent him in the future because I hadn’t been honest with him from the get go.

I took a deep breath and squared my shoulders. “The thing I’m most afraid of is you’re going to be with me today, then turn around and fuck someone else three days from now. I’m worried that if we do this, it’s not going to mean the same thing to you that it’ll mean to me.”

He closed his eyes and exhaled loudly as he pinched his fingers around the bridge of his nose. When he opened them, he dropped his hand and leveled an indecipherable gaze on me.

“How can you think that?”

“I know it’s not fair of me to judge you for your past, but you don’t exactly have a solid track record here. Tell me I’m wrong. Convince me that when we walk out of here you’re not going to think, ‘That Sophie, she was one hell of a lay. Who’s next?’”

“Is that really what you think of me?” he asked somberly.

“That’s what I was talking about earlier,” I answered sadly. “I don’t really know you, do I? What if you forget about me tomorrow?”

“That won’t happen.”

I continued as if he hadn’t spoken because if I didn’t, I’d never say what needed to be said.

“I know I’m leaving soon and less than an hour ago I told you we should just enjoy each other while we had the chance, but I think I’ve been fooling myself. I can’t be casual with you, Declan. If we’re going to be together, it has to be more than just sex.”

My eyes dropped to the patterned rug at our feet and I held my breath, waiting for him to laugh, scoff, or otherwise indicate I was being completely unrealistic with my expectations. Which is why I was taken by surprise when he lifted my chin with his finger and, staring into my eyes, chased away all my doubt and fear.

“Done,” he promised, finality in that one word. “And just so you know, there was never any question that’s what this would be. I’ve thought about this for so long, wanted you as much as I’ve ever wanted anything. I have no intention of screwing up one of the best things that’s ever happened to me.”

He rubbed his rough, calloused thumb across my cheek. Dropping his eyes, he cradled my face in his hands and watched his fingers stroke along the apples of my cheeks. Finally, his eyes landed back on mine. “Do you have any idea what you do to me?”

I shook my head because I couldn’t seem to find my voice.

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