Page 58 of Trying Sophie

Taking a chance, I spoke my suspicions aloud.

“What is it that bothers you more? That you don’t get to sleep with me or that Declan will? I actually don’t think this is about me. I think it’s about the things Declan that you think should be yours.”

I hated referring to myself as a thing, but when needs must, you went with what you had.

Cian started at my accusation. “Now, wait a minute—”

“No, you wait a minute,” I answered, poking him in the chest. “If this jealousy is honestly about me, then I’m sorry for it. But it’s not, is it?”

When he refused to meet my eyes, I continued.

“I’m sorry you had plans for your life that were cut short, but that’s not my fault any more than it is Declan’s, and if you’re going to treat me like shit because of some misplaced feelings of jealousy, maybe you’re not the man I hoped you were.”

I thought he’d argue, tell me how wrong I was, or that I didn’t have the first clue what I was talking about, so I was surprised when his shoulders slumped and he whispered, “Fuck, you’re right.”

Cian set the bottle on the ground between us.

“You’re right,” he declared, more emphatically. “And the worst of it is I know it’s no one’s fault, but there’s nothing I can do about any of it. I feel so helpless sometimes. None of this is where I ever thought I’d be on match night. I should be on the field, sharing these moments with him.”

The anguish in his eyes tugged at my heart and I blinked back tears. I couldn’t empathize with him because the life I’d set out for myself when I’d been 18 was going swimmingly—or it had been until I’d received that call from my mother—but I could sympathize with him, imagine how angry and bitter I’d have been if my life had been dictated by something so out of my control.

“Fuck,” he spat before gripping his head. “I’m a mess,” he admitted on a harsh laugh, dropping his hands to this sides. “But you’re right. This situation and how I’ve been acting has more to do with my own fucked up jealousy than anything else.”

I put my hand on his arm in a show of compassion and was gearing up to tell him it was okay, when he abruptly switched topics.

“But this thing with Declan,” he said. “Regardless of my issues with the rugby stuff, I know him Sophie and he’s a player. He’s never had a relationship. He never sleeps with the same girl twice. He has his fun and then he discards them. Ask him yourself if you don’t believe me.”

“It’s alright, I believe you. My grandpa said pretty much the same thing,” I admitted. “And besides, I’ve known my fair share of professional athletes so you’re not telling me something I don’t already know about the type of man Declan is.”

He looked down at me with disgust and I realized he’d misinterpreted my statement.

“No, not like that,” I sighed exasperatedly. “I don’t date athletes but my family … well, my other family owns a professional basketball team so I’ve been around athletes and their women my whole life. You’re not telling me anything I haven’t seen with my own two eyes.”

Cian relaxed against the wall and said, “Listen, Sophie. I like you. I just don’t want you to get hurt.”

“I appreciate that, but I’m a big girl and I have no intention of getting hurt. Not by Declan or anyone else.”

“He’s my best friend, and I love him like a brother—” I snorted “—no, I really do, but he isn’t a guy you want to get involved with. The things I could tell you …”

He trailed off and a part of me wondered what he would reveal while another part never wanted to know what dirty secrets they shared.

“He’ll use you, Sophie. It’s what we do.”

“Maybe,” I said on a shrug. “Or maybe I’ll use him.”

“Right,” he answered, rolling his eyes and pulling out a cigarette. “You’re not like that.”

“Maybe I am,” I answered, even as I wondered why I had.

I was the furthest thing from that type of person.

“Anyway,” I said, changing the subject, “are you going to come teach me about rugby or what?”

He blew out a trail of smoke, stubbed out his cigarette, and bent to pick up his beer bottle. Tossing it in the bin, he said, “Yeah, you may as well learn from the best. Lead the way.”

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